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Thursday, March 31, 2005

Tourist Guide: Nebraska Putt Putt Atlas

It’s that time of year again. Time to engage in a passion my colleagues and I have enjoyed for many springs/summers. This passion may or may not have led to alcohol abuse, urination in public, accidental vandalism, and gambling. The passion is mini-golf, and yes, we’re all going to hell.
Without further adieu, I bring you the five or six best courses in the state of Nebraska, as best I can. The ratings are based on the Entertainment Weekly scale. For those unfamiliar, kindly refer to your middle school report card, assuming you made the honor roll. If you didn’t make the honor roll in middle school at least once it’s assumed you are either a. illiterate or b. don’t have access to the Internet. Not my demographic. On to the ratings:

Honorable Mention: Big Apple-Kearney. You can drink here. In Kearney (in other words, you can drink here a lot.)

5. 56th and Old Cheney, Lincoln. A gargantuan 36-hole multi-leveled feast. Bonus points for batting cages and jailbait. Points subtracted for shoddy carpeting and lack of tolerance for people in their mid 20’s who are enthusiastic about mini golf. Rating: B-

4. Champions, Hastings. Break out the sand wedge, because these holes are long, causing the scores to inflate, which equates to more scoring discrepancies, thus gambling here is very exciting. Points taken away for being in Hastings, a cul-de-sac extravaganza located 20 miles from I-80. Rating: B

3. Jerrytown, Grand Island. The gimmicks abound at this wildly creative dive in the heart of Webb Road. Avoid those windmills! Bonus points for overall level of absurdity and unintentional tackiness. Points taken off because the carpet was laid by Jesus Christ, with the help, of course, of Jerry. Rating: A-

2. Blue Waters, Carter Lake, IA (it’s on our side of the Missouri so it counts). Exhilarating layout and design, the best maintained course I’ve ever seen. Ran by meth-addled child molesters (at least that’s my theory). There are never more than 3 other groups of people playing at any given time, and there’s a bizarre early nineties soft rock soundtrack. Rating: A+

1. Cody Go Karts, North Platte. The course that started it all, a beacon on the plains for all who’ve ever gripped the rubber putter (and I’m not referring to a male penis). The measuring stick on which all mini-golfers should judge their ability. The Augusta National of Nebraska mini-golf. Rating: A++

Thats a good list Pete, do you know if they ever opened that spectacle of a course that was supposed to be course #2 at cody go-carts in NP? I know there wer rumors that it was going to be amazing. Kind of the alter-ego to course #1, full of gimics and such. The purity of course #1 will never be surpassed.

By the way, I am still going to see what I can do about a photo essay about mini-golf tour.
Pete, I belive 56th & Old Cheney is known as Adventure Golf. Just an FYI.
a simply brilliant post Pete...

And to add something. Champions in Lincoln is a horrid course...easily a C-...if you're playing in lincoln take the extra 15 min. and drive south to a much better course.
In my opinion, course #2 will never be finished. If it does, it should be quite a spectacle. Personally, I'm not getting my hopes up because Old Man Gaedke has a lot of work to do and refuses to bring in any contractors or anything.
It's always nice when you can not only be informed, but also entertained! I'm sure you had fun writing this article. Excellent entry! I'm been looking for topics as interesting as this. Looking forward to your next post.
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