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Thursday, March 29, 2007

The G.O.A.T....of chew??

"Boo if you want. You know I'm right!" (c) Chris Rock.

Call me a pussy, but this chew is incredible. Skoal Citrus Blend Long Cut. I chewed a can of this in a day--perhaps even less. Not because I chewed more than normal--it was because I kept wanting to add on for more of the wonderful Juicy Fruit flavor. Shit is bananas!

(And who said tobacco companies market towards kids???)

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Opening Day

Are we getting together for some baseball Monday?

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

A favor to ask...

Would one of you kind souls pick me up a ticket to the Hold Steady show in Omaha? They go on sale on 3/31 and they're only $8. Please start early because the show's at Sokol Underground and will sell out ridiculously quickly.


Sunday, March 25, 2007


That I really am in Australia:


No Caller ID

That's what you all may be seeing soon. It will be me on the other end. Just got a calling card and it's only like two cents a minute, so I'll be ready to chat. I'll try to mind the time difference, but I may want to drunk dial you, so get ready. Hope everything is going well. Heard Georgetown is in the Final Four. Told you.

Speak with you all soon.

Family Man GA Hill

Another thing. . .if you missed the ending of the DII game yesterday, do yourself a favor, and take a look.

Barton vs Winona

Saturday, March 24, 2007

The Land of Queens

or whatever.

Guess where I'm at, bitches? Townsville. It's in Queensland. That's in Australia. I spent the morning at a topless beach in Sydney. Too much. As husky as I am, I still needed to get in the water to prevent anything from getting too awkward, if you know what I mean. 75-year-old women are gorgeous there. It's revolting to have that type of physical reaction seeing grandmothers (possibly great-grandmothers).

Deucey, if you can, sell my car because I'm not coming back. It won't get you much, but it does have a sweet auto-pilot system from most of the bars in Omaha.

Townsville is a lot like Lincoln. Remember how much I terrorized that town? Get ready for deportation, MIB. It's 3:23 in the morning and Big Brother and Big Sister-In-Law and MIB have just finished of a case of beer we bought a couple of hours ago. And they said, and I quote, "We're not big drinkers."

I get to watch my nine-year-old nephews "football" game tomorrow. AT 9:00 IN THE EFFING MORNING! I'm sure I'll be in fine form. I wouldn't know what was going on anyway, but watching a foreign sport should do wonders for my intellect.

Last night was bananas. I was captured as a hostage by two beautiful women in a cab. Before introducing themselves, they offered me a beer. Needless to say, I was in heaven. They don't really believe in open container laws. Did I mention that I wasn't coming back? We miss two ferries. One because we were late and they are women. Neither of which made a difference to me. The second because we were finishing our beers. Fantastic. We finally got to the city and the rest of the she-wolves had already polished off two bottles of champagne. Or so they call it. It's really just sparkling wine. I won't correct them. They get defensive. We move to a place called the Opera Bar. It's right outside of the Opera House and just across the Harbour from the absolutely amazing Harbour Bridge. I must have looked like quite the fairy, what with the six gorgeous women surrounding me. If anyone had looked closer they would have realized that I'm neither fit enough or well dressed enough to be gay. All I had been told (mostly by these girls' fathers) was that these girls would drink me under the table. Don't challenge me to that. I did in fact win that war, but lost a battle in the 45-minute cab drive home. Apparently, I passed out so hard that the cab driver had to wake me up. You just got Belushied, Sydney.

Word to your mothers,


Thursday, March 22, 2007

Have fun down-under!

So MIB, I get home from Kourtney's house this morning and I see there's a tow sticker on your driver side window. I think "that's weird," considering its only been parked there for two days. I go to investigate. Turns out the tow sticker is there, not because the car hasn't moved, but because your plates expired sometime in 1999 and you haven't gotten new stickers put on your car. Seriously, how have your plates been expired for 6 months and you haven't been pulled over at 1:15 on some Friday night?

So now I don't know what to do. Well, I can't put the car in the garage because the bastard who broke into my car stole my garage door opener and I'm not getting a new one for a week and a half, so that's out. I can't just move the car to somewhere else because it will still get towed. And I most definitely am not paying to get your car licensed. So I pose the question to you and the rest of the blog, what should I do with the MIB's car since he's M.I.A. for the next three weeks?

Tubby is out at Kentucky...

and moves to Minnesota? GA has probably been ranting about this for a solid 3 hours by now which is why there hasn't been a post yet.

Boo to the closing time

Turns out bars in Sydney, New South Wales, Australia, close at midnight. Aren't these louts supposed to be drunk? So my sister-in-law's sister is as gorgeous as advertised and her friends are all single and adorable. For your sake, you need to come visit me...and quickly. Everyone here seems to like their drink, so much in fact that they banned both Red Bull and Jaeger at most bars due to the fact that too many people would do like four Jaegerbombs in a row and throw up all over. Cool. My kinda place. By the way it's half past midnight. They've got a couple of beers over here that compete. One is Cascade. I believe it's Tasmanian. Not devilish.

Someone respond to these posts.

Your friend,

The Man in Black.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Greetings from Down Unda

For those of you who tried to foil my plans to travel to Australia by planning a week-long going away party (I'm looking your way MIB), you've failed. HA HA!

I've made it. I'm sitting in the most beautiful city I've ever seen. I just found out that the word paradise, comes from the Aussie word for "ridiculously gorgeous." Who knew? There are these little harbours filled with sailboats around every other corner. The skyline is very modern, but sprinkled with really sweet old churches and museums.

So I think I'll have a nap and rest up for the barbie that's being held in my honor. And I've been told my host (my brother's father-in-law) that my guide (his daughter--not the one married to my brother) can quote, "booze better than any guy I know. From the looks of you though, you might be able to keep up." Can't wait. Like my renal system needs more abuse.

I've been on the continent for four hours and will guarantee I'll be back in two years.


Southern Hemisphere MIB

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Too Soon. . .sorry TJ

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Kentucky vs. Kansas: A live blog!

4:14: We are live, from Dundee! Welcome. That was quick…Big Randolph Morris with a nice low-post move. 2-0.

4:14: And followed by a KU three. Not a good sign, friends. Oh, that, and Billy Packer is calling the game. Of course. Wow, THANKS CBS!

4:15: Morris again! He looks motivated big time…and when he is motivated, he is among the best.

4:15: KU with another three. And a steal. Christ.

4:16: Ah, another announcer referring to a player as “long.” Is there a more disturbing buzz word in sports than this? Do the announcers check these guys out in the locker room before the game?

4:17: Nice three by March Bobby Perry. Hopefully regular season Bobby Perry stayed in Lexington. Because he sucks.

4:17: Mmmm. Love having a freshman point guard who has never played in this big of a game in his life. Working out well for Kentucky. At least the next great Kentucky player is in: Jodie Meeks! He is going to really good.

4:18: Another KU three. Sweet Jesus. 11-7, KU.

4:18: *Opens new Internet browser* Hmmm, Google: how fast can you find a listing for “pizza?” Apparently in about 2 seconds. I love the Internets.

4:20: Pete just sent me these two text messages: “Make sure to mention that I am eating Swedish Fish and Wild Bill’s Jerky right now. I love Bucky’s.” and “I could have done without these asshole announcers. Does anyone even like Billy Packer?” My responses to those text messages are “*Marv Albert voice* YES!” and “Literally, no.”

4:22: Billy Packer just said something factual for the first time in his life: “Mike Ditka is pretty much Mr. Chicago, isn’t he?” I emphatically answer “Fuck yes.”

4:24: Great follow by March Bobby. I hope Morris isn’t going to shoot just to shoot the entire game. Nice block by him, though.

4:24: The graphic: “Tournament History.” I don’t even know why they’re trying to compare Kansas here. The numbers aren’t even close. UK wins. Except for probably this game.

4:25: March Bobby again! Tie ball game, 11-11!!

4:25: My God. The make guarded threes, how about we not leave them wide open? Just a suggestion. 14-11.
4:26: GA Hill: “What are your specials?”
Pizza Hut: “A large single-topping Cheesy Bites pizza for $11.99.”
GA Hill: *silence*
GA Hill: (inner monologue) “Why fight it? You’re a sucker for gimmicks, especially unhealthy, food gimmicks.”
GA Hill: (out loud again) “That sounds great, but could I get two toppings?”
Pizza Hut: “Sure. That will be 45 minutes to an hour.”
GA: Aren’t you literally a block and a half from my house.
Pizza Hut: “Yeah, exactly.”
GA: “Point taken. I’ll pay with cash.”

4:29: Nice taken charge there by Sheray Thomas. Pretty incredible story. The guy comes back from a softball-sized tumor, and no one ever talks about it. J.J. Redick gets taunted by fans, and we have to see 15-minute stories on his poetry. Sounds about right.

4:30: Another charge foul on KU! The were both legit calls, but I hope this isn’t one of those games that every charge and ticky-tack foul is called. Unless, of course, it goes Kentucky’s favor. I will be totally OK with this.

4:36: I actually like how things are going here. UK is playing pretty solid defense. The tempo is a bit too fast here, though.

4:36: That’s great. Right when I say UK is playing pretty solid defense, they leave Sasha Kaun wide open right by the hoop. At least they’re making him earn his points on the line.

4:38: Wow, another ticky-tack foul on KU. I wonder if the NCAA is conspiring to make sure they win so Tubby is Kentucky’s coach next year.

4:38: Jodie Meeks, for three! Love this kid. 17-15.

how things are going here. UK is playing pretty solid defense. The tempo is a bit too fast here, though.

4:36: That’s great. Right when I say UK is playing pretty solid defense, they leave Sasha Kaun wide open right by the hoop. At least they’re making him earn his points on the line.

4:38: Wow, another ticky-tack foul on KU. I wonder if the NCAA is conspiring to make sure they win so Tubby is Kentucky’s coach next year.

4:38: Jodie Meeks, for three! Love this kid. 17-15.

4:39: Billy Packer just said of Meeks “I love this kid. He is going to be a really good player.” The future just went quite dim for Jodie Meeks. Sorry, kid! I was a big fan while it lasted.

4:40: 19-17, UK. Things could not be going better at this point. There’s a makeup no-call for KU.

4:40: God damn it, breakaway steal/dunk. KU is just too athletic. If they go on any kind of run, my day is going to suck. 21-19, KU. TV timeout.

4:47: Well, apparently the refs got tired of calling charges. What a horseshit call on my man Eddie Murphy; er, Ramel Bradley.

4:47: There’s the charge call! Jodie Meeks! Doing all the right things.

4:50: Pizza time! Back later (as if anyone is reading and/or cares)…. 28-25, KU.

5:03: And we're back...what a horseshit pizza that was. Oh my God, is it bad. I don't know how I keep falling for stupid Pizza Hut pizzas. The last time I ate Pizza Hut, I got that lasagna pizza. It tasted exactly like...poop. Also, Derrick Jasper is having one crap-tacular game.

5:04: That son of a bitch Papa John. With his bullshit smile and fucking Louisville red shirt on, taunting me with my pizza choice. I hate him.

5:06: UK 30, KU 36. Kentucky would have the lead right now if they could make layups. Literally.

5:07: Same score at halftime. Being down 6 at the half is not the end of the world, by any means. But it isn't good, either.

5:08: Being hammered with CBS programming commercials makes one think to themselves: "Is CBS the worst network television station in the world?" Yes. Yes it is.

5:10: I see that USC is beating Texas. Not coincidentally, Kevin Durant is not Texas' leading scorer. Coincidence? Uh, no. Not to sound like the Sports Guy (as I write a running live blog on the Tournament), but Rick Barnes really is one shit, shit coach. I don't care if Durant is getting triple-teamed, he is good enough to get out them. Clearly he is not getting the ball enough.

5:12: Nevada-Memphis is on now. Hearing Verne Lunquist and Billy Raferty makes me remember just how bad Jim Nantz and Billy Packer are. How do these guys keep getting the top games and the Final Four games? I literally have never heard or read anyone say anything remotely good about those two. I know Nantz is "Mr. Masters," but that doesn't mean he doesn't suck.

5:13: Just heard a small explosion. I think it was Seger's head after having read anything remotely critical of Jim Nantz. Sorry, buddy. The guy is clown shoes. And Billy Raferty just reminded us that basketball is supposed to be fun and entertaining to watch. God, I hate CBS.

5:15: Mrs. GA is almost home. Didn't really think about that when I started this thing. Might be signing off for good. Enjoy the rest of the game, and think of me when this game is over. It might be a rough night.

6:15: ...aaaand that should about do it for the Tubby Smith Era at Kentucky. Good God. 76-60 right now. It is unbelievable how out-athleted Kentucky is in this game. It is completely unexcusable. It's Kentucky, for God's sake! You should be able to recruit in your sleep there. It is very Solich-esque at this point.

It's too bad. Tubby has class for miles, and is, as stated many a time before, a great person. I'm a huge fan of his. That said, it's probably time to go.

A pretty appropriate end to the 2006-07. UK had ZERO wins against Top 25 wins this season; not really sure why I thought they could possibly beat the best team in the country. God, this sucks.

I guess at least the Cubs start soon. Don't want to go too long without cheering for a losing team.

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Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Hoofta: A Cactus League Summary

Well, we made it back (actually, I shouldn't say "we;" haven't heard from OC yet). The raging hangover continues, along with a slight case of food poisoning from dinner last night. Not good times.

That said, the Heavy Soul Spring Training (somewhat) Annual continued to solidify itself as the greatest of great times. The partying paradigm has shifted--apparently getting older allows you to hit it hard during the day, but not so much late-night--but still fun as hell. Some other changes: actual sit-down dining, The Deuce's modified Tucker Max death juice (at 10 in the morning, on a Sunday!), pink captains' what-a-chairs, photo documentation, moustaches, playing pool football, and some new bars.

But some things never change, such as MIB's ability to entertain an entire section of a baseball stadium, crappy camping grills, luke-warm chili for too-hot hot dogs, hundreds of dollars worth of beer, Mark Prior getting lit up like a Christmas tree, and an sense of impending doom for the Chicago Cubs.

All in all, a great trip.

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Friday, March 09, 2007

$20 Smokes

Bought a pack of P-Funks last night for $20 and was able to justify the purchase with my CFO at a Stripe Club. . . .Please get here soon

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Current Temp 72 F

I miss you guys and I will see you soon.

Yours Truly,
Drunk in Tempe

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Fire Joe Morgan

Another reminder that baseball is in the air: Fire Joe Morgan is back full force, and as snarky as ever. Nothing specific to point out, just that they seem especially funny this year. Make sure to go have a look-see.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Mad Dog & Glory; Better Known As HUH???!!!??

Has anyone seen the movie "Mad Dog And Glory?"

In the case that you haven't, let me give you a briefing....

-Bill Murray is a gangster who really wants to be (and tries to be) a stand up comic.

-Robert DeNiro is a cop.

-Uma Thurman--in, apparently, her first movie ever--is a girl that owes Murray, and gets "assigned" to DeNiro.

-Mike Starr--aka the big guy from "Dumb and Dumber," among other things--is Murray's right-hand-man.

-David Caruso--yeah, that one--is DeNiro's hard-ass partner.

Apparently, this is supposed to be a comedy-drama. Murray is a hard-ass gangster, DeNiro has a problem with being passive, Uma Thurman is one step less than being a gang whore, David Caruso is the true hard ass, and Mike Starr (you would totally know who it is if you saw him) is Caruso's euqal.

The point of this post is that DeNiro is pretty much a total pussy that BILL MURRAY pushes around, David Caruso is the "bad ass" that intimidates dudes, and BILL MURRAY runs shit. Not to mention BULL MURRAY kicks the shit out of ROBERT DENIRO at the end, at least temporarily (DeNiro ends up waking from the dead to fight What About Bob to A DRAW).

It is--EASILY--the weirest movie I have ever seen. I mean, my favorite actors in the same movie, but totally reversed and both completely playing out of their leagues. In turn, making this one of the most confusing and disturbing movies I have ever seen.

So, again: has anyone seen this movie??? Am I the only one who (up to tonight, THANKFULLY) never seen it?

F'in weird, dudes.

Thoughts while wondering how MIBs "going away week" is different than his normal week...

1. I didn't shave today. I might try this beard thing. I don't like it already. Nope. You guys are on your own. My apologies.

2. I can't work anymore now that AZ is no longer a twinkle in my eye. It's simply not possible.

3. I haven't listened to the Wilco album yet, but by all accounts it's freaking great.

4. How about the Huskers crushing any chance of Okie State's tourney hopes? Good times.

5. Creighton, despite an excellent performance in the MVC tourney, seems like a team I will wager heavily against in Round 1 of the NCAAs. They're acting like a team who won the game they wanted to win. The ultimate "just happy to be here" team.

6. Once again, all I can think about is Arizona. It can't come fast enough.

Monday, March 05, 2007

"Looks Like An Apple. Tastes Like A Grape."

Yep, that's a Grapple, alright!

So you're saying to yourself, "GA, what in the hell are you talking about?" I'm talking about this enchanging fruit I picked up from the grocery store yesterday. (Sidenote: The shocking part of this is that I bought fruit while at the grocery store. Not-so-shocking part is that I bought something completely random. There, I made the joke before you, dear reader, could get to it).

It feels like you're eating an apple, but wait a minute...what is that? What is that rush of grape Kool-Aid I'm tasting? How can this happen?

From the website:

Grāpple® brand apples begin as a Washington Extra Fancy Fuji Apple. Of all
apples this is the one that takes on the grape flavor best. This Patent
process is complex and the ingredient mix primarily includes
concentrated grape
flavor and pure water. All ingredients are USDA and FDA
approved and the process
has been licensed by the Washington State
Department of Agriculture.

There is nothing but flavor being infused
into the Fuji apple. The apple
takes on no additional sugars or calories.
They are not genetically altered in
any way. The apple is as healthy as ever
but now has the new exciting grape

So there you have it. It's an apple with grape flavoring infused in it. I don't know how these crazy fuckers did it, but I'll tell you one thing: God is jealous He didn't come up with it himself.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

New Wilco- Sky Blue Sky Web Rip

Wilco broadcasted their new album over the internet. Here is the web rip of that broadcast...

Wilco- Sky Blue Sky

pw: ai3nf7'

1. Either Way
2. You Are My Face
3. Impossible Germany
4. Sky Blue Sky
5. Side with the Seeds
6. Shake it Off
7. Please Be Patient With Me
8. Hate it Here
9. Leave Me (Like You Found Me)
10. Walken
11. What Light
12. On and On and On

Going Away Week

Bloggers, Heavy Soulers, faithful readers:

In the tradition of loud debauchery and self-importance, I am throwing myself a going away week to honor my trip to Australia.

From the time I get back from Phoenix next Monday, until I leave the following Tuesday, I will have an open calendar for drinks. (That's March 13-March 19 if you seriously mark your calendars.)

If you call me, I'll probably already be out at a bar near you. Come and visit. We'll catch up. Maybe even throw up.

Friday, March 02, 2007

The greatest book ever

I just got done reading the best book ever. Every single one of you has to read it. This guy is my boss in Hell.
I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell
By Tucker Max
Notice that he cut out the chick's face and put "your face here" over it.

Michael Jordan: Just In Case You Forgot

So after thinking I reached the end of the Internet today with all the time spent surfing around during my snow day, I inadvertedly came across the best thing I saw all day: searching for Michael Jordan on YouTube.

Just a friendly reminder for people obessessed with the likes of LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, Dwane Wade, Kevin Durant, etc....uh, yeah, these guys may as well be in high school still. Jordan was, is, and always will be the HOVA.


Thursday, March 01, 2007

Only Because....

....I generally have a problem with wearing shirts that have the word "fuck" on them (notable exception: my "FUCK OFF, PATRIARCHY!" t-shirt), I am sharing this shirt with the masses. Unbelievably cool.

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Snow Day

They are sending everyone home from the Bank due to the weather. I have to read over a Red Line, but is anyone up for some snow booze?

Get me to AZ...

This is ridiculous. I am officially done with winter. F U Sn-Omaha!

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