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Thursday, May 29, 2008

Omaha: Kickin' Everybody's Asses Since 2008 (except for Houston and Raleigh, that is)

Kiplinger just came out with their annual "Best Cities To Live, Work, and Play" issue, and guess who's dominating fools?

Don't pigeonhole Omaha as insurance, Warren Buffett and mail-order steaks. This one-time Great Plains pioneer town has a stereotype-busting cultural scene. Walk through north downtown and discover the indie-rock club Slowdown next to Film Streams, a cinema art house. In Old Market, red-brick roads run past open-air restaurants, galleries and chic boutiques.

They rank Omaha ("Paradise on the Plains") as the #3 city in the United States to live in, behind Houston ("The Comeback Kid") and Raleigh, NC ("Work In Progress").

Pretty cool stuff. And for the record, I don't think this happens without an influx of Heavy Soulers moving here over the past few years. Not a coincidence.

By the way, this post is looking at you, contributors and readers who don't live in Omaha! Get your asses over here!

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Wednesday, May 28, 2008

check out my new site dudes

Just thought I'd let you all know that I launched a new website today. There isn't a ton of new material, just a new design that will allow for easier updates and additions.


Check it out, you might even see some familiar faces in the weddings section.

Speaking of weddings... congrats Pete... sorry we couldn't make it back.


Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Interesting Experience in Denver...

So I spent a few nights in Denver over the weekend, I was pumped to find cheap rates at the Regency Hyatt, only to find out the reason it was so cheap was because of a big Conference going on. Our first interaction happens on the elevator after checking in, on the way up to our room, the elevator stops on the conference level, where several interesting characters board:

Me: "Is there a conference going on this weekend?"
Man wearing dog collar: "Yes, there's actually two of them going on. One of them is a Lutheran conference."

Me: "What is the conference you're attending?"
Collar Boy: "We're at the Rocky Mountain FurCon Convention?"

Me: "What's that?"
Chewbacca: "Well, it's kind of an art thing."

Interesting encounter. His lanyard looked to have dragons or something on it, so I figured it was maybe a big D&D meeting, or something exciting like that.

Our Second interaction comes just minutes later, at the lobby bar, which is at the base of the escalators going up to the convention center, which is basically prime real estate for people watching. We're minding our own, when all of the sudden it became Halloween, and we're talking two full grown humans dressed as animals.

So we call over the waitor to ask what's going on, and he basically says: "I'm not supposed to make fun, go look it up on the internet: 'FurCon.'"
Me: "Do you watch Entourage?"
Waitor: "Yes, that's basically it, go look it up, it's unreal."

So I grab a couple of the animals for a quick photo. As time goes on over the weekend, more and more interesting things happen. People wearing tails, paws, masks, anything associated with animals, it was wild. It culminated with my buddy and I trying to take a first hand look at the conference (which we were quickly shown the door from), not before we witnessed a few werewolfs, a techno dance floor with 4 guys dancing, and a room where 10 people were playing some animal fighting game on XBox. Good times.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Good news baseball fans!!!

I was channel surfing tonight and caught part of the Braves and Mets on ESPN. Providing the color was our favorite red-headed giant, that's right folks Rick Sutcliffe is back from colon cancer!!! Even better is now I don't have to hear that ass clown Steve Phillips which is just better for baseball.

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Tuesday, May 20, 2008

decent stats too

In honor of GA and Mayfield's pissing match, I just thought I would point out that Carlos Quentin is having some decent numbers so far for the Sox.

current stats .302 BA, 12 HR, 38 RBI, .417 OBP, .604 SLG

Not too bad for a guy who is making $400K. Meanwhile, the Astros are paying $14.5 million for Berkman's numbers and the Cubs are paying $14 million for Soriano's.

Here's a comparison of what that money got the respective team in the last 7 days:

Cubs with Soriano: .400 BA, 5 HR, 11 RBI, .406 OBP, .903 SLG

Astros with Berkman: .370 BA, 3 HR, 6 RBI, .452 OBP, .704 SLG

Sox with Quentin: .400 BA, 3 HR, 9 RBI, .519 OBP, .850 SLG

Also, Quentin posted those numbers with 10 less at bats than Soriano and 7 less than Berkman.

Sports Guy: Bitter

I don't know if either of our readers have seen this, but the world of Internet Sportswriting has been shaken. The Sports Guy is launching an assault directed toward his employer, ESPN over what appears to be their editing of his articles.

1. A week ago, he emailed this quote in to Deadspin:

"I still love writing my column and only re-signed last year because I really did believe that we had hashed out all the behind the scenes bullshit and come to some sort of agreement on creative lines, media criticism rules, the promotion of the column and everything else on ESPN.com. Within a few months, all of those things changed and certain promises were not kept. It's as simple as that."

2. Then, he began posting old columns he had written on his new blog.

3. This weekend, this photo hilariously appeared on his new blog.

4. Now, the following statement is posted on his new blog.

"I thought it would be fun to post some of my old columns from the "Boston Sports Guy" site (where I wrote columns from May '97 to June '01), if only because none of them have a home on the internet right now. This particular one was written right as I was starting to find a groove and my column was starting to resemble what it's like now, only if nobody was killing five of the best jokes or making me re-write them so they weren't as funny."

5. The Worldwide Leader has not commented. In other news, the sky is blue.

This is a really disappointing turn of events but is certainly not surprising given ESPN's noted interest in sterilizing all creativity stemming from any actual talent they employ. The network would seemingly much rather employ an entire roster of Mike and Mike-style blandness than give anything to anyone with anything slightly edgy or off-the-cuff to say. (By the way, Jason Whitlock's quote, "The next time Greenberg or Golic say something insightful or provocative will be the first time," is easily one of my favorite media moments of the last year. The full quote is hilarious, google it.) Kenny Mayne? Give him horses and three minutes on game day. Dan Patrick? Gone. Sports Guy? Ruining his columns. Allegedly. Jalen Rose? Bowtie. (Nevermind, but that is my favorite development of the NBA playoffs by far.) Considering we are dealing with Disney, it's no surprise but its a waste of some of their best employees.

I will give them credit because they have done some really good investigative pieces with E:60 and the O.J. Mayo story recently, but they are making it abundantly clear that when it comes to their stable of talent, only company men will run the races for them.

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Why Mayfield Is A Flaming Douche Bag: A 1,508th Look

Your stupid post doesn't deserve a response, but I suppose I'm a sucker.

You showed me. Soriano is having a way better year. Forget the fact that Berkman is almost batting .400 while chasing the triple crown (has that ever happened?), Soriano’s 4 homeruns in 3 games against the worst pitching team in baseball is by far more impressive.

Let's take a look at Berkman's May 6-11th POW pitching opponents:

Washington: Hill, 0-1, 4.08 ERA
Perez, 1-4, 4.34
Lannan, 4-4, 3.40
Los Angeles: Lowe, 2-4, 5.34 ERA
Bilingsley, 3-5, 4.34
Kuroda, 1-3, 3.67

TOTALS: 11-21, 4.20 average ERA

Soriano's, last week:

San Diego: Wolf, 2-3, 5.16 ERA
Estes, 1-0, 2.57
Peavy, 4-3, 2.91 (**Unanimous Cy Young Winner, 2007)
Maddux, 3-4, 3.98
Pittsburgh: Gorzelanny, 3-4, 6.64 ERA
Duke, 2-2, 4.23
Dumatrait, 1-2, 4.39

TOTALS: 16-18, 4.26 average ERA

Now wins/losses don't have much to do with anything--see Peavy and his non-existent run-support--but ERA is still a decent overall look at the pitcher. And it would appear that they basically faced the exact same pitching. So to write it off as facing "the worst pitching team in baseball" is, predictably, short-sided and short on research, because your boy did the same thing. And against virtually the same pitching, while taking streaks into consideration--which is what we were doing all along, not the entire season, fucko--Soriano was better.

"Lots of funny things here," too.

Forget the fact that Berkman is almost batting .400 while chasing the triple crown (has that ever happened?),

D-Lee says, "Damn, that Mayfield is dumber than a box of rocks--doesn't he remember this ESPN cover?

It has happened. In 2004. For a Chicago Cub...(taken from the Astro's/MLB's Berkman POW Press Release):

The four-time N.L. All-Star's .682 batting average was the highest over a six-game span for a player with at least 20 at-bats since Derrek Lee of the Cubs hit .750 from June 17-23, 2004.

D-Lee was a Triple Crown candidate most of 2005, hitting .400 in the months of April and June that season. He also ended up with over 40 home runs. He came up slightly short in the three major categories over the course of the entire season, but yes, there have been players recently that have had as great of a season as Fatman. And they play for the Cubs.

First of all, it’s May. Second of all, it’s 2.5 games.

3.5 games, bitch.

Why? What does that prove? If your guy is fatter, why try and distort the numbers? The season isn’t even 2 months old, why not pull their numbers for the entire season?

Because, you illiterate fuck, I was comparing their two POW stats. And I did not realize Berkman had two; searching for "Player of the Week" on MLB.com only came up with the one he won in April. Even if I did, their numbers are still comparable:

Soriano: .516 BA, .516 OBP, 7 HR, 14 RBI, 1.258 Slugging, 39 TB
Berkman (May 6-11): .682 BA, .741 OBP, 2 HR, 5 RBI, 1.136 Slug, 25 TB

Soooooooo....batting average and OBP wins, I guess. And the reason I was just using those stats is because you were arguing that Berkman was the hottest player in baseball. Fact of the matter was right after you posted that, Soriano got hotter than Berkman was. No one said that Soriano was having a better year, nor that he was a better player. Rather, I was giving you and your shitty shit shit team shit. And, predictably, you go off the deep end and whine as you do any time someone talks shit about the Astros.

Also, Berkman's hot streak kept rolling last night against the Cubs, didn't it?

Berkman: 0-4, 3K, 4 LOB

At this time last year, of the three teams leading their division (LA, NY, MIL) none of them made the playoffs. 2.5 games in May. Guess the Astros should pack it in. There is no way they can make up that comfy 2.5 games with 120 games remaining. Impossible.

Apparently only you can cherry-pick numbers? So the Astros probably-won't-happen-again climb from 15 games under .500 to World Series is your big backbone to your argument? Well done. Why not look at relevant team stats?

Cubs: .286 BA (including pitchers!), .372 OBP, 117 OPS+ (!!), .450 SLG, +76 Run Differential (!!!), 121 ERA+ (!!!!!!)
Astros: .263 BA, .323 OBP, 100 OPS, .422 SLG, +9 Run Differential (!), 94 ERA+

So, let's see...the Cubs are better than the Astros in every single significant category. Particularly with a 117 OPS+ (2nd best in majors, behind Boston's 122), 121 ERA+ (3rd in majors, behind ARI and CLE), and their +76 Run Differential is the best in the majors by 20 RUNS!

Yes, it is May. There's a ton of baseball left, and considering we're talking about the Cubs, I'm sure that there's injuries galore to come along. However, all of the gaudy offensive stats included Soriano doing nothing/being hurt the first almost 2 months. And the pitching stats also include Ted Lilly's dead arm, Bob Howry's puke-inducing pitching, and Rich Hill completely imploding--three of the four or five most reliable pitchers from last season playing like shit, and they still have a Top 3 or 4 pitching staff in the majors.

Not to mention if you look at Baseball Prospectus' PECTOA odds, you see the Cubs ending the season with a 95-67 record--better than their current .562 winning percentage. And your Astros, sitting at 76-86, good for 5th place in the Central. In fact, that would place the Cubs with the best NL record and only 2 games behind the Red Sox' best projected record in baseball. The Astros....well, not so much.

In summary, I was simply comparing Soriano's and Berkman's recent hot streaks. And pointing out that the Cubs are a superior team to the Astros, as well as most of MLB. As what has come to have been expected from you, a whiny, self-aggrandizing bitch of a post was thrown up, denigrating Heavy Soul and her reputation. And because "eat it" left you so sad and offended, I'll end with this:

Suck on my shit.

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Our Guy is Fatter - A Second Look

The more I look at the previous post, the more I believe it to be the most ridiculous post in the history of Heavysoul. Even more ridiculous than all those times GA said that every GM in baseball would take Prior over Oswalt. I figured I would break down the ridiculousness line by line.

Our Guy Is Fatter
No he’s not, and that includes both fat and phat.

This Week’s NL Player of the Week is the Cubs’ Alfonso Soriano.
Cool. Alfonso won a POW. Berkman’s already won two without being mentioned. You know why? Cause this reward is stupid. The guy who has the best week is generally a player who faced the worst pitching.

Let’s compare Soriano’s past week with Lance Berkman’s POW week from the previous week
Why? What does that prove? If your guy is fatter, why try and distort the numbers? The season isn’t even 2 months old, why not pull their numbers for the entire season? I will tell ya why, cause Soriano sucked ass the first month and then had a phenominal week in which he torched bad pitching. Instead of pulling what Berkman did one week in April and comparing it to a week in which Soriano hit over 50% of his RBI’s and 70% of his HR’s for the season, here are there stats thus far:

Berkman: .389 BA .467 OBP .784 SLG 16 HR 44 RBI 8 SB 1.251 OPS
Soriano: .282 BA .327 OBP .514 SLG 10 HR 26 RBI 3 SB .845 OPS

Now I see why you compared these two. Berkman’s numbers are gaudy, but once you line them up against another premier hitter in the league they become inhuman. His OPS is over .400 points higher.

Oh, and the Cubs have the 2nd-best record in baseball, with a (for this early in the season) comfy 2.5 games ahead of the Astros.
Lot of funny things here. First of all, it’s May. Second of all, it’s 2.5 games. The Astro’s were 15 games under .500 in May and made the World Series in 2005. At this time last year, of the three teams leading their division (LA, NY, MIL) none of them made the playoffs. 2.5 games in May. Guess the Astros should pack it in. There is no way they can make up that comfy 2.5 games with 120 games remaining. Impossible.

Eat it.
My favorite line. An excellent way to puncuate your made up stats. You showed me. Soriano is having a way better year. Forget the fact that Berkman is almost batting .400 while chasing the triple crown (has that ever happened?), Soriano’s 4 homeruns in 3 games against the worst pitching team in baseball is by far more impressive.

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Monday, May 19, 2008

Our Guy Is Fatter

This week's NL Player of the Week is the Cubs' Alfonso Soriano.

Let's compare Soriano's past week with Lance "Fatman" Berkman's POW week from the previous week:

Berkman: .455 BA, .517 OBP, 4 HR, 12 RBI, 1.136 Slugging, 25 TB

Soriano: .516 BA, .516 OBP, 7 HR, 14 RBI, 1.258 Slugging, 39 TB

Oh, and the Cubs have the 2nd-best record in baseball, with a (for this early in the season) comfy 2.5 games ahead of the Astros.

Eat it.

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Where's the NBA talk?

I'm really surprised nobody has really posted anything about the playoffs. This is probably the best post season in recent memory. The only thing that could ruin it would be a San Antonio-Detroit Finals. No matter which team wins in New Orleans tonight, I'm really looking forward to the East and West Finals. If yesterday's game between Lebron and Pierce (was anyone else playing?) is a portent for tonight's game and the final series, I'm pretty pumped.

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Friday, May 16, 2008

Suck it Deuce

We are one week into The Deuce bad mouthing the True Blue Tradition and turning his back on the popular internet vote. Let us check the past week of Baseball.

Dr. D-Bags Twins 2-4
Fan Favorite Royals 4-2

Thursday, May 15, 2008


So I was watching the Angels/Sox game tonight and in Anahiem when the visiting batter's picture and stats are displayed in centerfield they "photoshop" mustaches and bad haircuts on the players. It is pretty damn funny, childish but hilarious none the less.

That is all.

UPDATE: It is actually 70's night in Anahiem and they are applying the mustaches and afros to all players. Still pretty funny.

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So bad.

The Cubs signing Jim Edmonds is bad on so many levels. Below are two e-mails I put together today related to our new boy in blue.

The first details an office pool I started this morning and the second provides a brief review of his at bats today.


The start to the Jim Edmonds era. Which leads us to the:

Jim Edmonds Death Pool

I think you all realize that Jim Edmonds is not good at baseball, is a d-bag, is over the hill, and has very limited upside to go with his tremendous downside. Therefore, you are receiving this note to solicit interest compete in the pool described below. Let me know if you are in or out.
There will be eight players who receive one of the following periods via random drawing:
1. June 1 - 15
2. June 16-30
3. July 1 - 15
4. July 16 - 31
5. August 1 -15
6. August 16-31
7. Sept 1 - 15
8. Sept 16 - 30
If Jim Edmonds is released by the Cubs during your time period, the other 7 players will each pay you $20
If Jim Edmonds is placed on the 15-day DL by the Cubs during your time period, the other 7 players will each pay you $5
If Jim Edmonds is placed on the 60-day DL by the Cubs during your time period, the other 7 players will each pay you $10
If Jim Edmonds is traded by the Cubs during your time period, the other 7 players will each pay you $5
There is not an entry for the May 15 - 31 period because if something happens to him in the next two weeks, we are all winners.
The date of the transaction is the day he is pulled from the 25-man roster.


Below is a highlight of the at-bats today and the drawing for the pool. I didn't watch the game, but did read the play by play.
2nd inning - Single to right with two outs, bases empty - It should be noted that Aramis Ramirez was thrown out trying to score on a wild pitch during this at bad. Clearly he assumed Edmonds sucked and would not be able to bat him in.
4th inning - 1 out, runners at 1st and 2nd - Grounds into Double Play
5th inning - Bases loaded, 2 outs - It is worth noting here that Fukodome was intentionally walked to face Edmonds. The Padres were trying to set up the all important force with two outs, or just saying suck-it Edmonds, try and beat us. Edmonds flied out.
7th inning - Bases loaded, 1 out - Note - The Padres walked Fukodome (sly intentional walk?) to load the bases and face Edmonds, who promptly struck out.

So....if you're scoring at home, the Padres walked Fukodome twice to load the bases and face Edmonds. This is the guy that is allegegly going to protect Ramirez and allow Fukodome to bat second....um yeah. It is somewhat rare in baseball that a team can expose a weakness so quickly. I commend the Padres for showing their lack of respect for Edmonds.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Two Items

1. I was just at the Hy-Vee at 90th and Center picking up some lunch. It was there that I saw not one but TWO Dr. Pepper delivery guys eating lunch. I was right behind them, waiting to fill up my fountain Diet Coke, and BOTH OF THEM got...

Mr. Pibb.

Yes, that's right. Dr. Pepper's fiercest competitor, Mr. Pibb. And Dr. Pepper's employees are drinking it! With their uniforms on! There's like 10 different sodas/lemonades available at this fountain machine, and they pick Mr. Pibb.

Perhaps they know something we don't? Either way, I know if there is ever a time I want a Dr. Pepper, I'm re-thinking and going with the Pibb.

2. The Chicago Cubs National League Ball Club currently is in possession of the best record in baseball (along with Arizona--whom they swept this weekend--and FLORIDA).

So enjoy the fatman and his hot bat...I wouldn't get too excited about my team if it took a 8th-inning rally to defeat Barry Zito and the 23-loss Giants. I'm just sayin'.

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"This is the fattest I have ever been."

Holy Lance Berkman. He has been on a tear that few others have ever matched. Since being moved to clean up, Berkmans bat has led the Astro’s on a 16-6 run including sweeps over the Dodgers, Brewers, Reds, and Padres. Thanks to his recent offensive explosion, Berkman currently leads the Majors in runs, doubles, homeruns, slugging, and OPS. He is second in hits, RBI’s (NL Leader), batting average, and on-base percentage. Plus, he is 6 of 7 on stolen bases. That’s just stupid. It really is. He is literally leading or second in every major offensive stat minus stolen bases and triples. Incredible.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Sponsored By Heavy Soul!

We're sponsoring a page on Baseball Almanac. I'm pretty excited about it.

The Choice Has Been Made

Thanks for putting the poll together Adam, but after talking with your brother I've decided to go with the Minnesota Twins. Its particularly fitting that Minnesota and Boston begin a four game series tonight in Minnesota. As for the poll, I'm not really sure how the Royals ended up as a choice since I would rather remain a Red Sox fan than cheer for the Royals. Thanks to the people who provided honest input, while the few people who were just snarky and mean spirited should rethink how they treat their friends.


Happy Friday!

Here's your cheery, TGIF-type link:

Teens Accused of Using Dug-Up Human Skull As A Bong


Who Knew?

I was unaware that my lifelong obsession with falconry could be practiced right here in my own backyard.

In all seriousness, I will now be checking falcon-cam at least once a day.

This is fabulous. Was anyone else aware of this?

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Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Finally jumping off the largest bandwagon that has ever existed

I'm dumping my allegiance to the Red Sox Nation. I've finally had it. I just don't want to be associated with all of these jackasses that have jumped on board in the last five+ years.

So, I am leaving it up to my good friends here at Heavy Soul to determine what the Deuce's new baseball team will be. You can decide between five teams and I have outlined the pluses and minuses for each team. You guys can push it over the top one way or another.

1) The Florida Marlins



2) The Arizona Diamondbacks



3) The Minnesota Twins



4) The Seattle Mariners



5) The Goddamn Cubs



So choose wisely Heavy Soul. My sports fate lies in your hands.

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Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Could This Be The Best Album Of The Year?

Probably not...but it easily could become my favorite.

Al Green's "Lay It Down," executive produced by ?uestlove of The Roots, is an incredible record. It literally sounds like Rev. Green had the perfect record back in 1972, but then decided that he didn't really feel like releasing it. 32 years later, he listened to it again, and said "why didn't I release this? It's perfect!"

And it is. It is a perfect soul record. All vintage instrumentation, getting down with a Hammond B-3, horns, drums, guitar, bass, and some killer background singers (Anthony Hamilton singing backup for anyone is impressive). Add a very subtle hip-hop touch on the beats by ?uesto, and you've got one insanely great effort.

This isn't hyperbole, this isn't "Al Green released an old-sounding record--super hip!" This is genuinely one of his best albums, and top-to-bottom, is as good as his "Greatest Hits" album.

At the very least, take a listen to "Just For Me." Enjoy.

Al Green, "Just For Me" - Lay It Down

Al Green: Lay It Down. Blue Note Records. Release: May 27, 2008

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Monday, May 05, 2008

Holy Balls: Premie Bomb

1. The Crescent Moon has Grain Belt Premium.

2. They also have the "Premie Bomb," which consists of a Premie, a shot of orange juice in said Premie, and you drop a shot of orange-flavored vodka in it. Chug. Repeat.

I--I don't even know what to say about this (other than it tasting like an Orange Julius, which is incredible in every sense imaginable). Discuss.

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The four car pile up on Broadway Ave. Council Bluffs

Saturday night was good times, but in the immortal words of Lou Brown, "Nice catch Hayes, never fucking do it again." We can never do that ever, ever again. I've had quiet reflection for over two days now.

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Thursday, May 01, 2008

Pete's NFL Picks: Kentucky Derby Edition

As Crash Davis once said, "Strikeouts are boring. Besides, they're fascist." While this is unabashedly true, no sporting event encapsulates what The Framer's of the United States conjured up from a democracy standpoint while drafting The Constitution quite like what transpires on the First Saturday in May at Churchill Downs each year.

For a thoroughbred to participate, the steed must meet one criteria: it has to be three years old. Females such as Ruffian, males such as Winning Colors (1988), and geldings (castrated males such Funny Cide) have all not only ran for the roses, they have ran away with them. Thomas Jefferson would have no doubt been stricken that his agrarian nation of independent farmers would have produced not only fields of copious grain, but also opportunity for all creeds, or at least all ponies. Susan B. Anthony clearly looked to inspiration for women's suffrage from Kentucky, where women had been running with men for a good 40 years before they were allowed to vote. I like to think MLK saw horses of all colors running together when he crafted one of his noble orations, but he probably didn't. Perhaps the playbill of "Rent" owes something to gender-neutral horses. I do not doubt this.

NFL Draft Thoughts

The Chiefs deserve some kudos, the Jaguars and the Titans do not. How do those teams make the playoffs every year? Do the Titans let uber-coach Jeff Fisher in the draft room? If not, they should.

Pop cultural notes from the last week or two:

1. Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay is damned hilarous, although it didn't really dawn on me how offensive the very principle was until now. I will still add this one to the canon of HBO Sunday Morning movies I will watch most of the time. (Others: Class Act with Kid and Play, Hiding Out with Jon Cryer, High Fidelity with Lisa Bonet, Harold and Kumar go to White Castle with Jon Cho, Just Friends with Ryan Reynolds and The Deuce with sock in hand)

2. I have heard several good albums lately. The new My Morning Jacket is startling. M83's Saturday's = Youth is great if you like The Pyschadelic Furs, which I do. Titus Andronicus is like Rancid mixed with The Arcade Fire with Conor Oberst on vocals. It's rude. The MIB and I approve.

3. The new Real World is pretty sucky, but there is a southern bird who referred to a minority's city of origin (Philadelphia) as "Blacksville". That was not awesome.

4. The New Hold Steady drops on July 15! What exciting times we live in, when one band I like actually puts out CDs every 12-18 months. I'm looking at you, Wilco.

Twins Update

Let's just say I'm okay without renewing the MLB package. When I'd rather watch the Magic-Raptors NBA series, a reasonable person would suggest that the season is rather uninspiring. That and Ron Gardenhire suggesting that walks are overrated. How this guy doesn't find his way onto Fire Joe Morgan once a week is a fucking miracle. If this guy managed the Yankees, they would be razzing him like that kid Lucas that tried to play football in that 80s movie starring Corey Haim as that kid Lucas. That movie is fucking spectacular. I can rattle off five Charlie Sheen movies that I will watch pretty much every time they're on without even thinking about it (Major League, The Chase, Lucas, Hot Shots, Men at Work, Red Dawn. That's Six.)

Musical Instrument of the Week

With a horse week, it's obviously the bugel. It might be my favorite part of horse racing, besides the gamblers and the act of gambling itself.

Horse-by-horse Derby Look
(by post position, odds)
1. Cool Coal Man--20/1--I usually am a sucker for Nick Zito-trained 3 year olds, and I'm glad this bum got the rail (do not bet under any circumstances) so I didn't have to take him. Avoid.

2. Tale of Ekati--15/1--I do not understand why his odds are right here, he's possibly a darkhorse (pun intended) but I can't help but think this is the Barclay Tagg factor. Not sold.

3. Anak Nakal--30/1--No lie, this horse isn't on my radar. What? Go read fucking Hank Goldberg.

4. Court Vision--20/1--Post position and pedigree make Pete likey, but I think he's competing for a piece, not a shot of the title.

5. Eight Belles--20/1--The filly can run fo' sho', but all of these nags can. She'll get bet down for sentimental reasons and then demonstrate why she should have ran the Preakness instead. Nope.

6. Z Fortune--15/1--Impressive sire and a good draw. What's not to like? Consider.

7. Big Truck--50/1--I wouldn't pick this horse in the Gus Fonner Handicap.

8. Visionaire--20/1--I am fucking in. I love the name, the genes, the odds. I will be wagering a large portion of my budget on this one.

9. Pyro--6/1--Was looking like a favorite until he ran 10th out of 12 in his last race. I questioned whether he was a chicken after he laid that egg. Tip your waitresses.

10. Colonel John--4/1--Now here is a favorite I can get behind. Although he's never ran on real dirt. This would be like wagering on a football team that had never played on Field Turf. Probably a bad idea. I still think he factors.

11. Z Humor--30/1--Basically the Fredo Corleone of the Z horses. He'll break your heart.

12. Smooth Air--20/1--I'm not seeing it, but I don't know as much about him as I possibly should. I've never heard of his jockey either.

13. Bob Black Jack--20/1--My favorite name on the board that isn't Visionaire. My favorite horse on the board that isn't every horse but Z Humor and Big Truck.

14. Monba--15/1--My horse buddy tells me this is his pick, but he drinks about 1/2 750 of Jim Beam Black a day. You decide.

15. Adriano--30/1--Worth a long shock look because of his jockey, Edgar "Fast Eddie" Prado, who is no joke.

16. Denis of Cork--20/1--Hales will no doubt bet this horse because of that name. That fucking name. God, it's immaculate. Denis of Cork. Fuck yeah.

17. Cowboy Cal--20/1--A lot of 20/1 horses...I swear to god I thought this horse was called Cowboy Gal until my triple take.

18. Recapturetheglory--20/1--A superstition only I follow: never bet horses with many words ran together into a single word in the Kentucky Derby.

19. Gayego--15/1--Got a real good boost in his last race. Expect the odds to drop. Worth considering but I feel he is a flash in the pan.

20. Big Brown--3/1--Here is your chalk. But goodness, this post position is awful. He's going to have to drop all the way to the rail and make a late charge. I mean that is some doing. He's undefeated, but track record for gallopers with only three races under their belt is awful. Be advised.

What I will be drinking at the derby:

Everything. It's my bachelor party.

Derby Wagers (using a fictional budget of $40)

Below are Pete's Picks. To be perfectly honest, this thing is a 20 horse crapshoot. Picture sperm swimming to fertilize an egg, only with pedigreed, aristocratic horses, big hats, and lot's of intoxicated fratties screaming. Or, if you are at an OTB, like I will be, picture lot's of old people smoking Marlboro's. I think you get the picture.

Wager at your own risk, but if you must follow something, watch what I and Hank Goldberg do, and then somehow combine it. Yeah. That always works.

$5 Across the Board on the #8, Visionaire

$10 Exacta Box #10, Colonel John; and #4, Court Vision

$2 Trifecta Key #10, Colonel John; over #19 Gayego and #8 Visionaire

$1 Straight Trifecta 10-8-4

Hopefully I will be enjoying the Derby with most of the Heavy Soul Crew, and for the rest of you come out to Horseman's Park. We will be the young ones.

Good luck to everyone, and good times.

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My first time.

A couple of weeks ago, I finally started my quest to become Conan's replacement. I have less than a year before he takes over for Leno. Here's some footage:


If you made it through that, I need your help. I'll be competing in something called the Comedy Combat in Des Moines, USA on May 15th. Beloved readers, I'm calling in any favors I have out there. It's pretty much a popularity contest, so I'm in desparate need of your help. It's a Thursday night. Show starts about 8:00. If I make it into the top 3, I'll move onto the finals which will be held on May 29th. I'd love to see you all there.

P.S. If you want to stay on an air mattress and play Guitar Hero III, my place is open.

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The Revolution: A Manifesto by Dr. Ron Paul

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