Tuesday, February 28, 2006
I think not.
This is just wrong...
Pick your Sweet Sixteen
Forget about a 7-foot center and a point guard who can shoot the lights out. We all know what makes the perfect March Madness team: big-screen TVs, chicken wings and beer specials.
We're forming our own Sweet Sixteen - 16 noteworthy sports bars in Nebraska and western Iowa. We'd like to hear about your favorite. How long have you been going there? What makes it great? The quirkier the place, the better.
Send submissions by March 13 to Dane Stickney at The World-Herald, 1334 Dodge St, Omaha, NE 68102 or to firstname.lastname@example.org. Please include your name and daytime phone number. Or call Dane at (402) 444-1220.
When the NCAA men's basketball tournament heats up, we'll choose the best and publish our "bar bracket" in Living.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Dave Chappelle's Block Party
Just your reminder that Dave Chappelle's Block Party comes out on Friday. This will be your first of five reminders this week that the greatest movie event of our lifetimes premiers on Friday, March 3rd.
Thank you. Bitches.
UT...We done got a smart college!
Vince Young scored a six on the Wonderlic. A SIX. The average Wonderlic score is a 21. Hell, the average football player scores a 19.
But a six? You could do better guessing every question.
I guess at least this quiets those rumors that tutors do most of the work for players at major football universities.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Heavy Soul Bar Madness
You ready for the sweetest thing ever?
Big Boi and I created and seeded a true tournament of champions consisting of 64 watering holes in the Omaha and Lincoln area. You determine the winner. Don't bitch if your favorite bar didn't make it. And don't bitch about the seedings. It took us hours of painstaking contemplation and cigarrette smoking to come up with this.
Get your brackets in by next Monday, March 5. Winner gets a tournament t-shirt.
This is how you predict winners:
Predict an existing bracket
You must be a registered user to predict a bracket. If you are not currently logged in, you will be prompted for your email address and password. If you are not a registered user, you can register by clicking on the "Register Here" link. A password will be emailed to you immediately. (You can change your password to something more familiar once logged in.)
Go to the bracket that you would like to predict.
Click on "Predict It!" in the right hand corner.
Enter the information requested including your password emailed to you.
The bracket will then be displayed. Games will be listed with buttons next to the team names. A scoring field will also be displayed. Highlight the button next to the team/individual you predict will win. Input your predicted score. Continue this through the first round.
Click the "Enter" button at the bottom of the page.
The next round will then be displayed. Continue the process until the bracket is complete.
You can return to check your bracket by just returning to the original bracket and clicking "Predict It!" and logging on. This will take you to your bracket.
in a related story, i forgot to get my wrist band last night, and i'm playing cards in the suburbs tonight so my roommate and i had to take a two hour lunch to go get them. it felt good to be ducking work for the cubs again....summer is just around the corner.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Violence, Booze, and Gambling...
Just wanted to pass on an invitation to all the Heavy Soulers. Saturday March 4th we will be having a poker tournament at my house. Tourney will start at 5:00 PM so if you want to play you should be there about 30 minutes early. As always, we will have a keg and will also be ordering the UFC Pay-Per-View as well. This is a perfect opportunity for all you alleged males who have been posting about how much Coldplay rocks to gain back some manhood. If you are a fan of Booze, Violence, and Gambling make sure to give me a call.
Also, this is like 2 weeks away so Rod I gave you an ample amount of time to think of an excuse on why you can’t make it.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
This is Classic!
(From THE WALL STREET JOURNAL)
By Paul Beckett
VELDHOVEN, Netherlands -- In the VIP room at the Dutch Open this month, some
of the world's greatest darts players prepared for their matches. For a few,
that meant an occasional walk through the smoky haze to a practice stage.
Mostly it involved sitting in comfy chairs with a stiff drink and a cigarette.
On the menu: breaded pork with fries.
Jelle Klaasen, 21 years old, was having none of it. The Dutch player doesn't
smoke, drinks nothing stronger than orange juice and weighs in at a slender
165 pounds. His vices include an occasional weekend pizza and a shortage of
fruits. The healthy approach, he says, "means I can stay more focused."
Some darts players joke that a balanced diet requires holding a pint of beer
in each hand. In their world, Mr. Klaasen is something of an oddity, and a
successful one. The unassuming Dutchman has become a symbol for those who have
lofty ambitions for a game that developed in the United Kingdom more than a
century ago as a boozy, working-class pastime. Dutch darts authorities, who
are pushing the clean-living concept, are even dreaming of a spot at the
As a virtual unknown, Mr. Klaasen stunned the darts world last month at the
BDO Lakeside World Professional Darts Championships in Britain, the most
prestigious event in darts. In the final, he beat Raymond van Barneveld, a
38-year-old fellow Dutchman. Mr. Barneveld weighs about 290 pounds. Before the
game, to calm his nerves, Mr. Barneveld, known as Barney, says he had his
usual tipples of Bacardi-and-orange and Jagermeister.
"Barney wasn't fit enough, he was sweating like a pig and the boy looked
like he was practicing with him," says Bobby George, a former world champion
from Britain and a commentator for the BBC, which aired the final live. Mr.
Barneveld says he lost because the crowd was firmly behind the youngster.
"Jelle lets people see you can play darts without drinking and smoking,"
said Michael van Gerwen, 16, a Dutch player who has won international
tournaments on youth and adult circuits. He is old enough to drink in the
Netherlands but says he chooses not to. "You can play better without drink,"
he says. "You know what you're doing."
The Nederlandse Darts Bond, the Dutch darts association that runs the Dutch
Open, banned alcohol and tobacco from the floor of official tournaments about
eight years ago, becoming the first national darts association to do so. Even
audience members can't drink or smoke as they watch matches, a sharp contrast
to the pub-like atmosphere that prevails at tournaments in Britain. Players in
Britain and the Netherlands have been barred from smoking or drinking in the
middle of games for about 20 years. Tournaments in both countries, however,
still provide lounges near the main hall for those in need of a drink either
before the games or during intervals.
Many of the world's greatest players say their ability to launch three darts
into a cork board with maximum accuracy will be curtailed if they can't steady
their hands and relax their minds.
"I drink `til I get myself settled," says Andy "The Viking" Fordham, a
jovial 44-year-old pub owner and world-ranked player. He says that often
involves downing 15 to 20 bottles of beer in advance, though for the Dutch
Open he switched to white wine. Mr. Fordham says darts doesn't require much
physical fitness. A couple of years ago, when he was at the peak of his
playing skills, he weighed about 420 pounds, though he has been trying to slim
Having booze and cigarettes readily available helps attract darts' biggest
stars, typically middle-age Englishmen. "Our roots come from the pubs and
clubs of England. Having a drink is all part of it," said Martin "Wolfie"
Adams, 49, captain of the England darts team and one of the world's best
players. His usual pregame tipple is a few pints of "bitter" -- a dark,
English beer. "We all get in the practice room before a game and think `What
time is the bar open.' "
Mr. Adams says it will likely be the next generation of players who will
change darts' reputation. Between puffs on a cigarette, he says if tournaments
barred alcohol and smoking, he would have to think about whether to
At the Dutch Open, despite the ban, refreshments weren't hard to find for
the almost 5,000 players that showed up to compete. Down a tented walkway from
the conference hall where games are played stood a marquee tent blasting heavy
rock music and serving Heineken.
Helen Hofland, director of the Nederlandse Darts Bond, favors further
restrictions on alcohol and cigarettes, but realizes that eliminating them
entirely is unrealistic. "If there is no VIP room, I think the players will
just go to their hotel rooms and have a drink there," she says. "But they will
drink a little less than normal."
Ms. Hofland says her push eventually may help fulfill many players' dream of
one day being considered for the Olympics. "If you've got 10 players like
Jelle, it's correct to go for the Olympics. If you've got 10 like Fordham, you
have to question yourself, `Are these Olympic players?' " Ms. Hofland asks.
"Are you the same as the swimming guys, the skating guys: is it a sport?"
Mr. Klaasen throws his three darts quickly. It takes him a total of four to
six seconds to toss them toward the board, compared with the as much as 12
seconds for other players. Commentators think this has the effect of rushing
opponents, especially those a little heavy on their feet.
The outcome of the Dutch Open handed a victory to those who say health and
fitness don't much matter. Mr. Adams, who had an upset stomach, switched to
brandy and Coke from beer, and went on to win the men's doubles competition.
Mr. Klaasen didn't make it to the later stages of the men's singles, blaming
the demands of his new-found fame for cutting down on his practice time.
In the final, Mr. Barneveld defeated Scotland's Gary Anderson -- a player in
better shape than most because he also works in construction -- in a
best-of-five-set final by three sets to two.
Mr. Barneveld "doesn't look like the most accomplished sportsman," said Ben
Lee, a 26-year-old English darts enthusiast who works in the British prison
service and traveled here to watch the tournament. "But he's proven it doesn't
Still, even Mr. Barneveld concedes that getting in better shape might be a
good idea. "I said to myself when I came back from the Lakeside, `I'm going to
lose 30 kilos [66 pounds] this year,' " Mr. Barneveld says. Since then, he has
bought a treadmill and has switched his pregame tipple to white wine.
Think about it. Camping with hippies and indie kids. The smell of patchouli thick in the air. I think it would be sweet.
Do I have any takers?
This isn't the life I ordered....
And of course, that's funny...right. Well today at work I got a forward entitled Chuck Norris auditing tips, and I laughed out loud. I'm not sure laughing at a joke has ever made me feel so bad about myself. Granted, I'm not an auditor, but I got most of the jokes. I'm including a few of the best below:
- Chuck Norris does not have to dial 9 first
- Chuck Norris highlights in black
- There is a sharp rise in Workers Comp claims whenever Chuck Norris is at the client
- Chuck celebrates the end of each audit by burning the client's house down. Why? Cause its just what Chuck likes to do.
- Chuck Norris takes a 15 minute coffee break every 5 minutes
- When a partner asked if the client had any other long-term liabilities...Norris simply held up his fists
- If Chuck gets tired during the day he takes a nap....on the CEOs desk
- Chuck Norris does not accrue for expenses...he accrues for pain
- Chuck Norris has a hard drive...but it doesn't refer to what's in his computer.
- How does Chuck Norris hole punch? Answer: with a shotgun and an extremely accurate aim
- Chuck Norris not only assigns useful lives....he takes them away
- Chuck Norris erases pencil marks with his beard...it erases pen too
- If he finds an exception, Chuck Norris amortizes pain over the remaining useful life of the client
- Chuck Norris has a full time plumber assigned to him for when he uses the restroom
- What's the risk of significant misstatement? Answer: A Chuck Norris roundhouse
If you also laughed at any of those, welcome to my sad little world.
"us women curling team naked"
Wow, I don't know if this is hilarious, sad, or a bit of both: check out the last few keyword searches on Google and Yahoo that have led people to Heavy Soul lately. MIB, there are some pervs after your girl, son! Better take care of some business.
About Last Night's Coldplay Show In Omaha...
But here's the thing: when did it become "cool" to raise your cell phone in the air during slow songs??? What happened to LIGHTERS?
I think this may be the most not-rock and roll thing to ever happen to concerts. Ever.
Monday, February 20, 2006
The Rod and myself saw this as bad news i.e. life without Paul’s drama’s is a good life. Since the good Doctor left town we have had lived a peaceful/clean life with no vacuuming at 3 am on a Tuesday, or no obnoxious med students. Anyways the good doctors dad stopped by to pick up mail, and I asked him about this turn of events, as it turns out Dr D may not be making the trip to South Africa. Instead he wants to take the money he had set aside for the trip and buy a plot of land in Guatemala. What the Fuck. . .I have absolutely nothing else to say on the matter other than Fuckin Paul.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Do you know how I know I'm gay?
I got 2 Coldplay tickets for $50! Whooooooooooooooooooo!
I LOVE CRAIGS LIST.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Darren Daulton, the new Marshall Applewhite
Darren Daulton is completely insane. The intern had this up last week and it is a must read. Daulton honestly talks about how on Dec. 21, 2012 “those who are ready to ascend will vanish from this plane of existence, like the Enterprise in Star Trek.” Does that not sound just like Marshall Applewhite and the Hale-Bopp comet? If you ever get invited to the Daulton Residence whatever you do don’t drink the Kool-Aide.
After reading this, I take back what I said about Dave Chappelle being crazy.
February MLB Predictions
American League (Note: I don’t pay that much attention to the American League)
Winner- Boston Red Sox
They just seem to me like the best team. If Josh Beckett and Curt Schilling can stay healthy they are going to be an unbelievable force. They lost Damon, but I love Coco Crisp and besides they still have Manny and Big Papi. Plus watch out for Mike Lowell. Last year was bad year for him offensively (he still won a gold glove) but if he can give the Red Sox anything close to what he was doing the previous three years their offense will be incredible.
2nd Place- New York Yankees
Toronto went out and overpaid for a bunch of guys but they are still not going to do any better than third. While their offense is amazing the Yankees Pitching staff is garbage. We have seen the best of Randy Johnson and Mike Mussina, and Carl Pavano is a huge question mark. I placed them at second basically because there is no way the Boss would let this team be mediocre.
Winner- Chicago White Sox
They look even better than what they did last year which is pretty scary.
2nd Place- Cleveland Indians
I’m a big Travis Haffner and Victor Martinez fan plus the rest of the central sucks.
Winner- Oakland A’s
Great pitching and an underrated offense. I think this year they won’t get off to such a slow start and will win the west.
2nd Place- The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
This team won 95 games last year. They have solid pitching, solid offense, and good depth. I think this will be the closest division in the AL.
Winner- Atlanta Braves
I will continue to pick them until they lose. Even though the Mets look ten times better on paper, I like the Braves. It will be interesting to see how they handle losing their pitching coach though.
2nd Place- New York Mets
The Amazings were only behind the Braves by two games last year, the addition of Billy Wagner alone will make up for about 6 wins(Brandon Looper had 8 blown saves last year). Plus they added some serious fire power to their offense with Carlos Delgado. Tough lineup consisting of speed and power. If anyone can put an end to the Braves run it is the Mets.
Winner- The 2005 National League Champs….Your Houston Astros
If Roger Clemens comes back in May, which I believe he will, this again will be the toughest pitching rotation in the National League. Their offense last year was bad, but they were young and had a lot of injuries. If Berkman and Ensberg can stay healthy they will be fine. They also Added Preston Wilson who is not going to drive in 141 runs like he did 2 years ago, but he will have around 25-30 homeruns with around 90-100 RBI’s. They have a great starting rotation, a great bullpen, unbelievable depth, and an improved offense.
2nd Place- St. Louis Cardinals
Still a great team but they lost Reggie Sanders, plus Rollen and Edmonds are getting up there in age. The main reason I put them at second is because I don’t think the Astros are going to have such a slow start like they did last year.
Note: I think this division will pretty much end the same way it did last year. Cards and Stros way out in front, Brewers, Cubs, and Reds fighting to stay above .500 and the Bucs barely staying a float.
Winner- San Francisco Giants
As long as Barry is healthy that is.
2nd Place- Who cares it’s the NL West
Anyone else want to make an early prediction?
Friday, February 17, 2006
"No one was ever going to have sex with the goat."
Now, this is not all that funny in of itself. But as the story continues, it gets funny.
Brian Peyton, president of the ag house, said that the goat was brought in as a joke, "to make some pledges think they would have to have sex with it."
Thankfully, Peyton went on to explain that "it was not hazing-related, and no one was ever going to have sex with the goat."
Well, thank God he cleared that up.
Brought to you by ABC affiliate WBKO in Bowling Green, KY.
Time for a vote.
Some background: JJ first became a Heavy Soul favorite when he opened for Ben Harper in the spring of 2001 (at least I think that's when it was). He has rolled along and I've generally remained a fan, seeing him approximately 10 times in concert. And I think his live show has generally progressed. With the addition of the guy from ALO on tour this year (he was also on the somewhat recent Austin City Limits), the songs definitely have some more depth and character live. On an unrelated note, my personal JJ concert highlight is when Jimmy Buffett joined him on-stage for Pirate Looks at 40. But the most recent studio album made me start to wonder whether or not he was just a one trick pony, and I happened to like his trick. And now he has this Curious George thing, which I know nothing about but am guessing probably isn't a departure from his past musical style, plus it's a kids movie....
To the vote:
_____ Jack Johnson rules
_____ Jack Johnson used to rule, now he's kind of worn out and a weenie.
_____ Jack Johnson never ruled, i.e. he has always been a weenie.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
my first time...
Of course, this is likely of only minor interest to this blog, since I've never had an "im" chat with any of you....and have only had like 10 in my whole life.
The google thing is relatively cool though....if you're kind of a dork, and you're at your office all the time.
Oh man. This is just comedy. Ol' cardinalkim left this comment underneath the Jail Blazer story np gage posted. And there was just no way I was going to let this be hidden underneath the comment section, so here we go...
You Louisville fans and your inferiority complex--having to come onto a random blog to post incoherent ramblings because no one else on random fucking message boards will listen to your dumbass anymore. Let's take a look, shall we?
Louisville currently sits at 16-8, and 4-7 in the Big East. The Cards beat a really tough 6-17 (0-10 in conference) South Florida last night at home. Must have been a tough game--South Florida outscored you guys in the second half. Thank God you guys put on a dominating six-point lead going into halftime.
Here's the deal: "the greatest college coach in the history of the NCAA" would never...NEVER...have a team this bad. Louisville is going to be lucky to make it to the BIG EAST tournament, let alone the NCAA's. They are currently the #10 seed in the Big East, with Syracuse (5-6), DePaul (2-9), West Virginia (9-2), Marquette (6-5), and UCONN (9-2) to finish out the season. Just going off records, they should finish 1-4. But I'll even give them 2-3, with a home "upset" against Marquette. That would leave them at 6-10 in conference.
There are four teams trying for the last two spots in the Big East tourney--Louisville (4-7), Rutgers (4-8), St. John's (4-8), and Providence (4-7). Guess who has the toughest final 4 or 5 games? Louisville has Syracuse, West Virginia, and UCONN in their final five--all away games. They host DePaul (which is their one granted win) and Marquette, who at 5-6, is hardly going to be pulling punches. The other teams? Their opponents combined records are 59-81, or an average of 4.5-6.2. Louisville's is 6.2-4.8. Not to mention Rutgers gets to play South Florida...twice. I'm guessing:
Providence: Finishes 8-8
Rutgers: Finishes 7-9
St. John's: Finishes 5-11
That leaves the Cards sitting at home--for their conference tourney.
The greatest coach in the history of College Basketball? Not with that record. Hell, he isn't the greatest coach in UK history. If you're not the greatest coach ever to coach somewhere you were at--news flash, you're not the greatest ever.
As far as Louisville being a better city than Lexington? Ohhhh, dog! Burn! Who gives a shit?
And finally: Who has won between Tubby and Ricky the past two seasons? Who has the best record in the NCAA's the previous three years? Tubby and Ricky Pee have the same amount of National Championships, dumb ass.
But hey--stop by Heavy Soul anytime! I would love to make you look foolish again.
Too Funny, And Also Why I Was Pissed
These are keyword searches from Google and Yahoo that led unsuspecting, innocent souls to Heavy Soul. Check out the fifth one down, Delusional. Asshole.
But it is hard to pick my favorite. It is either the fact that someone typed in "www.doeskylefarnsworthwearthetightestpantsinbaseball.com" to a search engine (let alone that Heavy Soul came up as a result), or "My Way Lounge" was typed in and led them here.
Either way, pretty facinating, because I can never get our blog to pull up when I search for stuff--even when I type in word for word something that is on here.
WOW, are we getting old
Are you kidding me??? This movie has been out for 10 years? Yikes.
So that made me think--what are some other milestones such as this one that makes you sit back and say "holy shit, I am getting old"?
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Wednesday, February 15, 2006
A: If you guess anything other than the Portland Trail Blazers, you're a dumbass.
I love this team.
Since I Write Stupid Stuff...
I'll keep this brief. A couple of more additions to the Heavy Soul Merchandise Store. One, a short-sleeved, cheaper Women's Curling t-shirt. Second, a new long-sleeved shirt with a diagram of a curling rink. Enjoy.
30th and Ames, Perhaps?
1. "THE GREATEST CONCERT EVENT IN THE HISTORY OF MY GENERATION."-To be sure, this concert will be an amazing, epic testament to music. Small problem though: Other than Kanye West and, thanks to the Grammys, John Legend, 95% of the people in YOUR generation have never heard of the rest of these acts, unless you include the Fugees who were last relevant 10 years ago.
By the way, what generation are we in again? Who knows if the greatest concert event in the history of one's generation has even taken place yet? Aren't these kinds of titles best applied ex post facto? Are the people at Lollapalooza in the early to Mid 90's, Bonaroo, the New Orleans Voodoo Festival, etc. wearing boxing gloves yet?
2. "I feel bad for (Dave Chappelle)."--Anyone, and I repeat anyone, who signs a huge contract and flames out within months does not deserve sympathy from anyone.
Let's take sports for an example. If I'm stoked that a young upstart, let's say Dontrelle Willis, signs with the Cubs for a 5 year, 80 million dollar contract and right before his opening day start he says something to the effect of: "Sorry, I just don't really have it in me right now." and heads to South Africa, are you pissed?
Absolutely. Don't tell me this guy doesn't have some sort of obligation to the network, his fans, and co-writers.
He choked, plain and simple. I think he deserves another shot to make some great TV again, and he will undoubtedly get that chance.
However, I'll save my sympathy for someone a little more worthy, like Kyle O'Connor.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
"We're going to play these white people...for our freedom!"
Dave Chappelle's Block Party is coming out March 3rd. The Roots. Kanye West. Common. Mos Def. Talib Kweli. Dead Prez. Jill Scott. John Legend. And the first time the Fugees played together since The Score. All on the big screen. I have now watched the trailer 15 times. Tonight.
What is cool about it is that he gives out a bunch of "Golden Ticket" invites the week before the show to random people in Dayton, Ohio. The same Dayton, Ohio that....MY PARENTS LIVE IN!!!!! WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING LIVING IN NEBRASKA??? DAVE CHAPPELLE DOESN'T GIVE AWAY GOLDEN TICKETS TO THE GREATEST CONCERT EVENT IN THE HISTORY OF MY GENERATION IN OMAHA, NEBRASKA! LET ALONE GOLDEN TICKETS TO THE GREATEST CONCERT EVENT IN THE HISTORY OF MY GENERATION THAT HAPPENS TO BE TURNED INTO A MOVIE EVENT DIRECTED BY THE MAN THAT DIRECTED ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND!
Sorry. That's it.
EDIT: Whoops, forgot the link to watch the trailer. Check it out here. God, this is going to be the best movie ever.
What's my name bitch?
1) The Chaney hunting accident is absolutely hilarious. I don't care if its tragic, I laugh at morbid shit all of the time. Why stop now? (Ok, turns out the guy had a heart attack today, not as funny anymore)
2) I don't know if you guys heard about what Ken Starr has been up to lately, but he's currently in deep shit with both the California Bar Association and the Attorney General's office. Evidently, he was working as counsel for some death row prisoner and sent Schwarzengovernor a bunch of falsified affidavits for the original members of the jury. Turns out that's a big no-no. I also think its funny that Starr's now the dean of Pepperdine law school. The guy did the shittiest job on that Clinton investigation and he gets to be dean of one of the coolest law schools in the country? I don't think that gigs going to last as long as he wanted though.
3) I don't care who you guys vote for in 2008, but please, please do not vote for Hillary Clinton. That chick is just plain angry. Just think of when your significant other is angry, you're life is hell. Her presidency would be like four years of that only on a mass scale: she would be pissed at congress, pissed at the supreme court, pissed at England, piseed at the EU, and just generally pissed at the world in general. Her presidency would be as terrible as this one, only we couldn't laugh at her like we can at the boy king.
4) How much do you think Nike is regretting the millions it spent on Bode Miller?
5) Ray Nagin is a jackass. What mayor talks about his/her city using cliche racial stereotypes? This guy failed that city in the first place, at least he could refer to the population as people and not creations from Hershey or Nestle. I did see a great t-shirt though: Ray Nagin and the Chocolate Factory (it shows Ray in a purple top hat surrounded by Oompa Lumpas).
6) Could somebody at least tell me when they like my quote of the week. I'm feeling a little unappreciated.
7) Why does everybody act like FEMA is the antichrist for wanting to stop paying for the refugee's room and board? New Orleans is completely opened again. They need all of the workers they can on the gulf coast and they're paying really well for it too. FEMA can't continue to pay these people for the rest of their lives. Sooner or later they have to find work and new housing. And its not like the payments are just going to stop. FEMA's going to step down payments over time. I don't want to sound like I don't care about these people, God knows they've had a tough year, but the federal government can't support them forever, so why shouldn't FEMA start shutting down payments now?
8) How crazy is it that World War III is about to start over some stupid cartoon in a Danish newspaper?
9) Do you think Heavy Soul has been monitored by the NSA?
10) The first openly gay priest of the Episcopal Church just entered rehab for alcoholism. He is also the son of a tobacco sharecropper and didn't have running water until he was ten. This is somebody who actually deserves his own reality show.
11) The MIB and I won the opening round of the Dort's dart league with an eight to three win. In this league you and your partner play eleven games: one on one 301 (4 games), one on one cricket (4 games), two on two 301 (1 game), two on two cricket (1 game), and two on two double-out 701 (1 game). Great times, but Denise lessened the fun by making a chart of who had animations in 301 and 701, but wouldn't mark down the animations in cricket. I was not happy.
Tony Watson will start Friday against Charleston So. in a game that is not associated with the tourney that they are playing in the rest of the weekend. Joba goes on Fri., GI Johnny on Sat. and Sun. is officially TBA but i expect to see newcomer Jared Cranston who is getting some lofty praise.
Newcomers you should familiarize yourself with:
Cranston-JUCO transer out of Kansas, LHP who was drafted last year in the 40-something round. It's expected that he will give Watson a run for his money as the weekend sunday starter. Basically with him in the mix we have 4 starting pitchers who will all be highly drafted in the next 2 years, that's unheard of.
Andrew Brown-JUCO 1B/DH who will platoon w/ Buckman at first...has a lot of pop, hit 20-some HR in JUCO last year. Right handed so will work nicely w/ buck.
Steve Edlefsen-1 year JUCO..drafted in '04, middle IF who will likely start at 2B but may play some 3rd as well. NOt much power but hits for a good avg. and is supposed to be a whiz w/ the leather.
Jesse Shriner-JUCO Catcher who will give Jeff Christy a much needed backup...Christy caught 95% of the games over the last 2 months last year which is brutal. Having a good backup will be great this year...hit 21 HR in 2 years of JUCO so he could DH as well.
Luke Gorsett-Get to know this name for sure...he will start at a corner OF spot all year and will be in the middle of the lineup. Led all JUCO's w/ 24 HR last year and hit 39 combined in 2 years and drove in 120+ runs. He'll be the protect for Andy Gerch...big key to this year's success.
Erik Bird-Hard throwing RH freshman from Omaha...is the heir apparent to Jensen as next year's probably closer, will be a key set up man this year.
A lot of this year's success will be determined by just how far our starting pitching can take us...it's good enough to take us back to Omaha and has the potential to be the best starting rotation ever at our beloved alma mater. The bats are where the questions remain...Gerch will DH for the first half of the season due to shoulder surgery, it might be asking a lot for him to be great until that shoulder is completely healthy. Bryce Nimmo will take over the leadoff/CF position and was avg. at best last year...he does possess great speed but he's a big question mark. Buckman was great in pre-conference last year but couldn't hit the broad side of a barn once he started seeing big time pitchers, hopefully he can adjust and be the everyday first baseman. Christy might be the best defensive catcher in the nation but he'd better hit better than .220 this year.
Anyway enough rambling, everybody get your live stats ready for Thursday at 2:00.
The logo must die!
That is all.
Monday, February 13, 2006
What is an athlete?
Who are better athletes: Olympians in general, or professional athletes in the major sports in America (NFL, NBA, MLB, NHL)?
Predictably, MIB took the side that these winter athletes are relatively just as good of athletes as, say, a player like Ahman Green.
My argument is this, because it came up during luging and MIB was appalled that I did not give the "atheltes" enough dap. So here you go--please vote in the comment section:
If you took Darrin Erstad--a 16-time letter winner in high school, a college National Champion punter, and World Series Champion and gave him a month to prepare for the luge. Then you take whoever won the Gold in the luge and give him a month to prepare for a weekend series against the Oakland Athletics.
Who is going to perform better?
My contention: Who the fuck do you think is going to preform better? Errrrrrrrrrrrrstad. And it is not even remotely close.
Merch Store Updated
Also, remember to visit our advertisers. The sooner you get to clickin', the sooner we get to buy prizes for the Heavy Soul Open.
EDIT: By the way, as long as you don't use any trademarked material, you can put whatever you want on any merchandise. So come up with ideas! That goes for our logo, too. It has been pointed out that some weren't thrilled with the lightening bolt logo, so I changed it back to the bar code. If you can draw up something better, let me know, and I will change it. GA Hill
The Biggest Scandal of All Time! or
Seriously--this hockey-betting ring "scandal" is what it is: some millionaire hockey players placed bets (on sports that are not played on any kind of ice) through an assistant coach (who also happens to be a millionaire).
Now, is it a story? Sure it is. If you are a sports news organization, of course you are going to report on it. I understand that there may be ties to the mafia here. That is a noteworthy story.
However, the breathless reporting on SportsCenter is half stupid, half vomit-inducing. It is not so much this story, as much as it is that SportsCenter has turned into a nightly retarded cousin of "20/20." All the "investigative" reporting, the corny "interest" stories, the "stories" that are turned into "scandals" by ESPN's non-stop reporting--it's all just too much for me to handle anymore.
I think that ESPN and SportsCenter are making a fatal mistake of underestimating their audience's intelligence. This story is a perfect example: you mean to tell me, ESPN, that professional athletes--*gasp*--GAMBLE??? I am flabergasted. I am flabergasted. These ultra-competitive multi-millionaires like to put action on games. This is shocking.
Is Wayne Gretzky stupid for saying that he didn't gamble and doesn't know anything about it? Yes, of course he is. But is it my business that his wife might put down $75,000 on the Super Bowl? Of course not. Who cares? The guy just made $75,000 in interest in the time it took me to type this sentence. But, by God, ESPN is going to make sure I know about it. And they're going to do everything they can to make sure to catch him if he trips up at all, too--and report on it until I know every last detail about it. Whether I care or not.
It is just so frustrating and annoying to see what SportsCenter has become. Remember the Big Show? Dan Patrick and Keith Obermeyer going through highlights while saying something funny here and there. They even used to show the box score! Yes, the box score--that thing where you find out how the different players did that particular night? Remember that? Now you're lucky to see who the leading scorer was besides seeing what the score was. For that matter, you're lucky to get every score from a given night. Instead, you get to hear that J.J. Redick's feelings are hurt by opposing student sections, and that he writes poetry to release his tensions (that story, which aired last season, was 12-minutes long. 12 minutes of kick-me-in-the-balls bullshit that no one cares about, other than EZT.).
SportsCenter and ESPN are becoming a sad characture of itself, and I hope they fix themselves before the damn channel implodes under the weight of the garbage they throw at their viewers every night.
(Hey, at least Baseball Tonight is coming back soon.)
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Is it wrong that I laughed out loud?
My favorite part of the story is at the end when the local sheriff says that these things occur "frequently, but not often" and that "The nature of quail shooting ensures that this will happen. It goes with the turf."
Did I catch that right?? Did he say that hunting quail "ensures" that someone will get shot in the face and chest! I don't know what the hell they are doing in Texas, but I can say that I have been quail hunting many times and have never been shot in the face and chest.
In the words of George Bush (or at least my words as I would expect W to say them): Nice shootin' Tex!
Friday, February 10, 2006
Replacement Music Update
I am really excited to listen to The Gourds. Heavy Ornamental is really fun to listen to. If there is a cross between zydeco and bluegrass and you put it into a jam band, there you have The Gourds. Lots of banjo and accordians and songs about new roommates. Remember how fun their cover of "Gin and Juice" is? It continues on this album. Best of all, this is just a complete change-up from the neo-new wave stuff that has been clogging the musical arteries of most critics as of late.
I am slightly less excited to report about the Deadboy and the Elephantmen album. Not that it's bad, but it's not what I was looking for. The lead singer has a voice that I can best describe as a cross between Josh Homme of Queens of the Stone Age and the guy who sang for Bad English in the late eighties. Kind of a classic rock voice. The guitars are less bluesy than I anticipated, more of a modern sound (see Arcade Fire, Wolf Parade). The pace of the album is also a bit lacking, maybe it's just me. I would strongly recommend this album for those of you who bitch about the White Stripes because you don't like Meg's drumming and can't stand Jack's voice. These two elements are quite different in D& the E-men. Probably not as good overall, though.
Sia's, Colour the Small Things, is not too bad. Nothing like Norah Jones with the exception that she has a Vah-Jay and plays piano. Her songs are quite a bit more spacy with traces of electronica sprinkled throughout. Really good fall asleep music. A very good complement to say, Sigur Ros', Takk or Keran Ann's, Nolita. For all of you Six Feet Under fans, the song you heard as your depressing series signed off is on this album. I'm sure I can now be included in many N.O.W. meetings now that I have given this album some pub.
I still haven't listened to that Jason Collett fella. Actually, I listened to the first song in the car on the way home from Homer's and it sounded like a dude who thinks Yankee Hotel Foxtrot is the greatest album of all time and wants everything to stay the same. Okay, that's what I got from the first song. I'll give him a chance to change my mind. Maybe I'm just not in a Wilco-y mood.
We are Scientists. I falsely reported that these guys sound a lot like Bloc Party. Not as new-wave. A bit more straight forward rock. A really good listen. Nothing groundbreaking, but if you want an upbeat listen, this'll do it for ya.
Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins. Much more country than her work with Rilo Kiley. And she proves that there's nothing wrong with that. Whoever these Watson Twins are, they do a hell of a job with the backing vocals. Imagine all of the slower songs from her previous two albums in a more focused style.
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! This guy's voice is the love child of Gordon Gano and David Byrne. The music sounds like the product of a one-night stand between Wolf Parade and They Might Be Giants. Eww. Sounds gross, doesn't it? Well, it's not. It's like childbirth to a father. Hate the sound of it, but when you witness it, it's beautiful.
Cat Power, The Greatest. The happiest album from the queen of sad bastards. Very positive acutally. Bonus points for cool packaging.
Matisyahu, Live at Stubbs. If you haven't heard this dude, find it online and listen. Snow meets Bob Marley meets a rabbi? There's not even a punchline to follow. Check out his beat box skills towards the end of the album.
SO WHO ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
At least Jason Priestly has Indy Cars to fall back on...
1. The band Okkervil River is pretty fantastic. Indie rock, to be sure, but not the real pretentious boring kind, except for sometimes. They kind of sound like Bright Eyes smelted with early Wilco. (I'm not saying they're that good. I suck at describing what music sounds like, that's the real important lesson here.)
2. I found suitable post-PTI programming. The CNBC show Mad Money is on at 5 CST and it features this bald guy Jim Cramer, a self-made stock market baron, who has more enthusiasm than a 4th Grade Dodgeball game. He yells, literally, for one hour about stocks he likes, throws stuff around this weird war room looking studio, plugs his book incessantly, and people call in and he yells at them and makes fun of their portfolios. It's awesome, and it made me invest some money. Two thumbs up. Cancel Around The Horn.
3. I know Joe Theismann is involved, but the MNF team sound pretty okay. Tirico is a solid play by play guy, Kornheiser is going to rule and hopefully Joe's mic has electrical shortages every week. 8/10 overall.
4. Apparently a 37 pound woman had a baby this week. I really have no follow-up, just heard it on the radio and thought it was the kind of thing everyone would like to know about.
5. Alex Gordon is not going to be worth a damn, he already thinks he's Mike Schmidt or something. As if the Royals needed this news.
6. If gas stations did what flower places do on Valentine's Day, they would get sued. What gives?
this just in...TV sucks
GAHill sent me a text message saying that the show "Love Monkey" has been cancelled. This is noteworthy for two reasons. One, I forgot to turn my ringer down this morning when I got to work, so two of my co-workers were treated to a very loud "ooh. The mail is here" in Homer Simpson's voice (my text ringer) coming out of stall #3. And second, the show was decent. All 3 episodes had been somewhat formulaic, but the show definitely had promise. I haven't been this devestated since Fox cancelled Skin midway through it's first season. There are apparently no plans to try the show in a new time slot, it's just getting canned.
Another tv sucks of note, is that tonight there is a 2 hour season finale of Arrested Development, which could potentially be a series finale. Set your TiVo's and pour out a little liquor for our favortie tv family, the Bluths.
And as a reminder, 35 million Americans watch American Idol. And there is a bar near my house that has karaoke every night.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Confirmed: Heavy Souler and Women's Curler to Wed
"Yeah, this comes as somewhat of a surprise to me, too," in Black said. "I mean, I think I said something on a blog once about finding her attractive, but I didn't think anyone read that (expletive), especially her. I guess she Googled herself and found it."
In Black admitted he's really only been a curling fan every four years until seeing Johnson on a blog post.
"I've always thought curling was great. Men's or women's, it didn't matter. Last Olympics, my college roommates and I would stay up and watch those crazy (expletive) roll some rocks. I remember the ladies being a lot older then. I guess now that we're getting married, I'll have to become a full-time fan."
Johnson contacted in Black via e-mail today with her proposal. He read the message at work and was equally skeptical and hopeful.
"Initially, I thought this was a joke because I've had proposals e-mailed to me previously. But when she started spouting off curling terms like draws and the fact that the only true curling stones are made from Blue Hone granite that comes only from Ailsa Craig, Scotland, I knew it was really her," said in Black.
The groom-to-be was employed with Sprint through the end of the day.
"Yeah, as soon as I found out that she was sending me a plane ticket, I pretty much told that place to kiss my left nut, though I really should have waited to see if she really sent a ticket. God, I am so (expletive) stupid. How could they let me get away with that?" in Black lamented.
[Editor's note. Mr. in Black's expletive-ridden rant continued for a considerable length of time, leaving us with little to no printable material. For this, we apologize to our readers.]
Upon hearing the news, many of in Black's friends reminded him that he had no Passport.
Slow Pitch Softball rule change
I know this board has a ton of slow pitch guys on it so i thought it was appropriate...Did anybody else here about the national slow pitch rule change this year??? You can now steal bases...and no i am not joking. The rule states that second and 3rd base can now be stole once the ball crosses the plate. How frickin' "un-beer league" is this rule????
Now it should be noted that not all leagues are required to adopt it. Rumors in Lincoln is that A, B, and C leagues will use it but that it won't be allowed in the lower leagues, so you will have to check your league to see if it applies.....BUT, I hate it, just doesn't seem right to me.
However i will say, i just had a vision of npgage trying to steal second and ended up chuckling out loud here at my desk for good 8 minutes.
Some other horse shit:
Kelly Clarkson winning (I believe it was this award) Pop Vocal Performace of the Year. Um, OK. I'm going to call you a liar if you tell me Kelly Clarkson's song that won is better than anything that Gwen Stefani put out. But for you to tell me that Kelly Clarkson--who, more than likely, did not even write the song--deserves to win anything other than a swift kick in the ass over Paul McCartney? Are you serious? Seriously, think about that--Kelly Clarkson won an award for having better music than Paul McCartney. Paul McCartney's turds have more talent in them than that girl has in her whole damned body.
U2 winning Album of the Year. Come on. I like U2, it is a great album, but Album of the Year? That, just like the entire Grammy award process, is such a safe and pussy choice. Kanye's album was much, much more daring and *puts on Nostrodamus hat* much more influential than U2's. Seriously. U2 put out a great, straight-forward rock album. Kanye put out one of the most important albums released since Paul's Boutique. It, down the road, will be that influential.
Which brings me full circle to how I started this post--"But GA Hill," you're asking yourself, "didn't you just say "BE" was a much better rap album than "Late Registration" you dumb ass?" Yes, I certainly did. "BE" was a hip-hop classic, a masterpiece. Common's lines were tight and creative, the beats incredible--a perfect comeback record for Comm. But "Late Registration," I believe, is going to be one of those albums that will be listened to and referenced heavily to 20, 30 years from now. Kanye pulled hip-hop up to a whole new level, where he made "rap songs" into things that transcend musical genres (with much, much help from Jon Brion). "Late Registration" is our generation's "Songs In the Key of Life"--a critical and popular masterpiece that still sounds new today.
U2 will be played on classic rock radio. Kanye West will be a bookmark for rappers, producers, musicians, singers--the whole music industry for decades to come.
So why didn't he win the Grammy, again?
hey look over here
Earlier this week he announced a huge $2.77 billion budget plan in which the bulk of the budget is for defence and will create another record deficit. Not only did he announce this plan but he continued to say that he will cut the deficit in half by 2009 by cutting programs. He announced cuts to education and student loan programs as well as medical and medicaid programs. If I remember right weren't education and medicare some of the hot-button issues in the elections?
Now today Bush announces that in 2002 the US stopped a terrorist attack on LA. Now don't get me wrong, this seems important. However it seems a little convenient that this is announced just days after the budget fallout and now it is all over the headlines, overshadowing any thoughts about the budget. And why are we just hearing about this now? It is 2006 right? This happened over three years ago.
Things like this always happen. I cannot even count the amount of times I have read a news blurb about something our president did or signed that was burried in the news. A while ago when bush opened up thousands of acres of previously protected forests and wildlife preserves to build roads, I am pretty sure I found it on page 12D of the science page.
Maybe I am off-base but it just seems that this administration is very good at diversionary tactics and that the american public typically falls for it.
into the darkness...
There is a polar expedition going on right now that is the most insane thing I have ever heard of and I am totally hooked on tracking it. There are these two guys Mike Horn and Borge Ousland, who are two of the world's foremost adventurerers and they are attempting the first unassisted winter expedition to the north pole. For those of you not paying attention winter at the north pole is completely dark! The expedition will last roughly 60 days, cover nearly 1000 kilometers and be done in complete darkness at temperatures plunging below -30 degrees celsius (which roughly equates to fucking cold in fehrenheit). All the while these guys are pulling their food and equipment on sleds that weigh 300 pounds. To prepare for the trip one Horn was running up mountains with a 55 gallon drum tied to his waist. Some other interesting things about the trip: Food is an issue, not only do they not want to run out but because they have to carry the food for the entire trip they needed foods with high fat content to give them enough calories. One guys solution, eating and drinking pure olive oil and butter. (gagging sounds). They are also worried about sweating too much. Because there is no sunlight they cannot dry any of their clothes and with the temperatures so low their clothes could freeze solid and never thaw out. Another thing is the darkness, as one pshycologist put it: "There is no good evidence of what being exposed to darkness for long periods of time does to the human brain."
You can track the progess of the trip at www.mikehorn.com. So far the trip has had its ups and downs. They have been going for about 18 days so far and still have 900 or so kilometers remaining. Early on they had to swim a lot of open gaps in the ice using special suits. Can you imagine swimming 200m in the dark at -20 degrees celsius? I can't. Also they are haiving a problem with drift. Depending on which way the wind is blowing the ice they are on drifts. At times it is drifting so much to the south that they are losing half of the distance they hike during the "day".
Anyway, I thought this is was awesome, crazy and that I would tell you guys about it. Check out the site if you get time. Then you can feel like less of man the same way I do after following these two badasses.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
What can't this dude do?
When they broke into "Yesterday," WITH Paul McCartney, I was fairly blown away. Pretty cool.
In other music news, and I won't take credit, but Esquire had this blurb about what new music could replace your favorites. They mentioned Norah Jones' Come Away with Me, O Brother, Where Art Thou? Soundtrack, White Stripes, and Wilco's Yankee Hotel Foxtrot.
Sia, probably best known for the song during the last episode of Six Feet Under, replaces Norah Jones.
The Gourds, probably best known to bargoers for their Gin and Juice cover, should replace O Brtoher.
Deadboy and the Elephantmen are a bluesy, rocky duo. Guess who they replace?
And Jason Collett, a Canadian, gets to play Wilco.
I'm gonna check 'em out and get back to you.
On a lighter note.
The point of all this, my brother (the fat one) and I are scheduled to run in an 8K in 7 weeks and I am going to make it a point to track my progress. You might be thinking to yourself, "it seems ambitious to try and run 5 miles when he stopped exercising in 1997." You are correct, it is ambitious, but I am goal oriented.
Details will be posted as they emerge.
And if you are curious about last night's workout, it involved running 1 mile, then walking 1 mile. Judging by my heart rate, the walking was also a significant workout.
There Should be a Class on this in Law School
Contract of Wifely Expectations
For purposes of clarification:You and any form of it will refer to _(Wife not named)_Frey
I and any form of it will refer to Travis Frey
Hygiene & Self Care: Initials:___
You will shave every third day, which includes underarms, chest, legs, and pubic area (navel to anus), and all areas are to be completely clean shaven. Above your vaginal slit you may have a patch of pubic hair in any shape, that must be centered about your vaginal slit, it will measure no greater than 2.0”x1.0”, and will maintain a hair length of less 1/3”.
Clothes & Other Apparel: Initials:___
You will wear only thigh-highs & garters, and only thong panties. The only exception would be during your menstrual cycle, at which time you could wear either or both. Half of all your shoe purchases will be high-heels, 2” or more. You will then wear these high heels more often. You will give me all non-thong panties and all pantyhose, all tights, all knee-high and/or ankle nylons. You be able to keep 5 pairs of non-thong panties of your choice for use during your menstrual cycle.
Sleepwear & Sleeping: Initials:___
When we are at home, and alone as a family, you will be naked within 20 minutes of the kids being in bed, and then sleep naked, unless instructed otherwise. If I am not home when the kids go to bed, you are still to be naked before I return home. The only exception will be during your menstrual cycle. When we are not at home, or not alone as a family, you will try to ensure that we sleep together. If we do sleep together you will sleep naked. I will make an exception for sleepwear, but only if you do not ask for them. Exceptions will be given based on how well you follow this contract in its entirety. If we do not sleep together, your sleepwear must conform to the standards for exceptions. When exceptions are given the following is acceptable and is your choice: T-shirt, pajama tops, or gowns as long as the over-all length is not past your knees. Panties (any type) can be worn also. Absolutely no bottoms, shorts, pajama pants, or full gowns can be worn. When we are in bed together I can cuddle, spoon, hold or touch you in anyway, as long as it is not excessively disruptive to your sleep.
My Time: Initials:___
When we are at home and alone as a family, from when you are to be naked until 12:00 am, or for three hours, which ever is later, will be My-Time. This time will be time you will devote solely to me, whereas you will in my service do anything and everything I want, which may or may not be sexual in manner. When we are not at home or not alone as a family, My-Time will be modified as follows:
you will have your clothes,
you will be able to speak openly,
and you wont’ have to perform anything sexual before we are in bed,
however all other rules still apply:
During My-Time you – WILL NOT
1) Argue about anything with me or to me
2) Complain about anything to me, or about me
3) Cry, sob, whine, or pout
4) Sigh, moan, bulk, or otherwise show displeasure or unhappiness
5) Raise your voice at or to me
6) Be condescending to, or about me
7) Ask for anything from me or for me
8) Be distracted from me by other things
During My-Time you- WILL
1) Be subservient, submissive, and totally obedient
2) To do what you are asked, when you are asked, exactly how you are asked
3) Be cheerful and adoring, towards me
4) Be close at all times, unless otherwise told to
5) Perform any and all sexual acts, excluding anal penetration and /or cum, when told to
It is your responsibility to follow this contractual agreement: you will not be reminded of its contents. If I find that you have not followed said agreement, you refuse to follow said agreement, or do so not in good faith, then you will pose for one set (10 photos) for each infraction. All poses must be done within 15 days from the infractions. If you refuse to pose for said photos, or said photos are not done within the proper timeframe. Photos will be taken of you in the bathroom, in the bath or shower, dressing or any other location where you maybe naked, or partially clothed. If it is not possible to get a full set of photos, then for ever refusal one set of photos or one move will be distributed on the internet.
____Frey, in signing this contract you agree to abide by all terms set forth in their entirety. Thusly by signing you are also giving authorization and permission for all sexually explicit photos and /or movies of yourself, to be used within the provisions described in the Noncompliant Paragraph.
Travis Frey, in signing this contract you agree that no photos and/or movies will be made unless within the provisions described in the Noncompliant Paragraph. You also agree that exceptions will granted based on closely______ has followed the above contract. All clothes turned over and in you possession, will be returned at the dissolution of this contract. Lastly by attaching each of your signatures to this contract it is believed, each person is signing of their own free-will, and not under coercion or duress, and that each party is doing so in good faith. If it arises that there is situation or circumstance not addressed by this contract, the contract will be redrafted and signatures again affixed. This contract will be reviewed every six months by both parties, and be revised as agreed by both parties. Until there is a newly redrafted contract with both parties signatures, this contract is continual and ongoing.
1st party’s signature – ___Frey ......................................................Date ________________________________________ ___________
2nd party’s signature - Travis Frey ...............................................Date
Since there will be no trading, negotiations, or conciliations of any kind, you are given chances to earn Good Behavior Days (GBD’s). To receive GBD’s you are to be compliant with everything requested or expected of you, and perform everything with complete and total enthusiasm. In addition, GBD’s will be given when you do things from the descriptions below when not expected. If you try to perform something not expected and I tell you no, you will receive half GBD’s. Specific GBD info is listed at the bottom right of each description.
Each GBD can be used to “get out of” doing the things requested or expected of you for an entire day with the following exceptions: birthdays, anniversary, shaving, and sleepwear. Unless someone is staying with us or we are staying with someone, then it can used for sleepwear. Also GBD’s can be redeemed anytime after you received them to the end of the next quarter. You must notify me by 12:00 pm of the day you are using a GBD or it can not be used.
Misbehavior & Noncompliant –Misbehavior is when you complain about what is requested or expected of you, or when you try to negotiate something else instead of what was requested or expected of you. If this happens you will lose 5GBD’s that would have been given. If it continues after the GBD are lost then you are considered noncompliant. However, it is not misbehavior to suggest ways to avoid those specific situations, other than to propose not to do them.
You are to do everything that is requested or expected of you, if you do not you are considered noncompliant. You are also noncompliant if you start something and can not or will not Finish, even if you state that you are in pain or something hurts. If you are noncompliant then you lose three times the amount of GBD’s that would have been given. If you don’t have enough GBD’s to cover the loss, then you will be tied to the bed and I will do whatever I wish too you. This will continue every night until you are ready to be compliant, at which time you will need to apologize and explain how you are ready to be my sex slave again.
Sleep Time & On Demand- Sleep time is from an hour after we are in bed until an hour before the alarm is set for. You are to set the alarm accordingly, and tell me what for time it is set for. If it happens that we are traveling or we are at an event, and we are not able be home or in bed, then sleep time will be consider 11pm to 7 am. During this time you are not expected to “perform” anything, however at anytime I can cuddle , spoon, hold, or touch you.
There are certain circumstances when you are to perform any and all requests immediately. On demand means what I say, when I say, where I say, and how I say. The circumstances are:
Anytime from 20 min after the kids are in bed up to an hour after we are in bed
Anytime from an hour before the alarm is set until when the alarm goes off
Anytime we are alone and without the kids
8-11 pm and 6-7 am when traveling
Dressing Up -
For special events that we are to dress up for, when we are going to someone else’s house, or just the two of us are going out your clothes must meet my approval.
General rules are:
Panties are always optional and need not be worn
Only thigh-highs & garter – no pantyhose
If your are not wearing thigh-highs & garter, then no panties
All skirts no lower then two inches below the knee (unless it’s for Church)
GBD- 1 for each time that was not expected
1 per week only if you had to
Shaving will be done every third day, and includes underarms, legs, and pubic area (navel to anus), all areas are to be completely clean shaven Every Saturday you are to use the Walh clippers with a guard no greater than ½” , and then present yourself to me for a measurement checks.
Above your vaginal slit you can have,
1)A rectangle patch; that must be centered above your vaginal slit, it will have a length no greater that ¾” the length of your vaginal slit, no wider than 1 in.,
2) any other shape or design that is centered and above your vaginal slit, with an area of no greater than that of an equilateral triangle with a height of ¾” the length of your vaginal slit, or
3) Completely and totally clean shaven. Regardless of which choice of shave, noncompliance is based on a #2 rate.
GBD ½ per week with #1
1 per week with #2
2 per week with #3
I will select your sleepwear for you, and you will find it under your pillow if there is none then you are to be naked. You are to have your sleepwear on within 20 minutes after the kids are in bed. This pertains to anytime we are alone as a family, whether or not I am home or in the bed with you, and whether or not we are at home. If there is someone else staying with us or we are staying with someone then you are to be naked at the time we go to bed regardless of what was selected. During you menstrual cycle you can wear a top and panties. The top is to be no longer than that to cover your butt checks.
GBD ½ per week
Fellatio, Intercourse, & Other Sex Acts –
Fellatio must last at least, 5 min. and may include climax. Intercourse includes anal and vaginal intercourse. Sex Acts can be oral, anal or vaginal, and include but are not limited too stripping, hand-jobs, fingering, masturbation, dildoing, vibrators, and object insertions. All applications of lube to myself, you, or any object, will be done by you.
GBD – 14 for anal intercourse not expected
7 for anal intercourse expected
3 per fellatio to ejaculation
1 for each not expected
3 per week for expected
Birthdays & Anniversary -
On your birthday, Jan 4th you will receive on e GBD that is good only on your birthday. On or before my birthday you will select and purchase a sex toy for yourself, this we be consider my birthday gift from you. On or before our anniversary you will select and purchase new lingerie for yourself. Lingerie may include a cameo & panty set, nice nylons & garter set, corset, baby doll set, , a costume bra & panty set, etc. Lingerie does not include night gowns, or PJ’s. The lingerie that you selected and purchased, will be your sleepwear for that night.
Photos – You are to pose for 20 photos per quarter on demand, unless you r quota is filled. Outfits, toys, and poses will always be chosen by me. You must be freshly shaven on the day that photos are taken regardless of your shaving schedule. You will also style hair , apply makeup and nail polish as needed. All photos are done in sets no less than five. You have a quota of one set per month.
GBD – 3 if all sets finished a month early
3 per set not expected
1 per quota met
Quarterly Negotiation –
By the first day of each quarter you must choose how to keep track of your GBD’s. You can either be given actual paper GBD’s that you are responsible for returning to be redeemed, or you can choose to have them track on the computer.By the end of the first day of each quarter you are to choose your “pet name” that you want me to call you by. Your choice must be meet my approval, and noncompliance will be a 20 GBD loss.
This is not a contract, it is a description of rules for you. You can within two weeks prior to the end of the quarter request a change. If you request a change before that time you will loss 10 GBD’s. Negotiations requested in a timely manner will be done after you are in your sleepwear. All properly made requests, will be consider. Changes made will be explained at the beginning of the next quarter.
Who the fuck is this guy?!! This is either the most depraved, insane thing I have ever read or the most brilliant. Granted the dude's obviously fucked in the head based on the other shit he was doing, but what guy wouldn't love his wife to do this type of shit for him (not the picture thing though, that's pretty creepy). The only problem is there is no consideration for the contract, you'd have to provide something in return for the contract (and not money cuz that's prostitution). Well, I'm going to go scour Westlaw and see what I can dig up.
It's the 7th Annual Bash for no particular reason and you're invited. Here are the facts:
- Who: A lotta people
- What: A major party
- When: SATURDAY, March 4th from 8:00 p.m. to 1:00 a.m.
- Where: Castle Barrett's in Omaha, 4330 Leavenworth St. (just a few blocks South of Dodge near 43rd St., right next to Barrett's Barleycorn)
- Why: We didn't burn the place down last year
- Dress: Optional, as always
- Admission: $15 get you admission and all the beer you can drink. Two cash bars for liquor will be available.
- The Night: Door's will open at 8:00 p.m. Please plan on arriving early as parking is somewhat limited. A door man will STRICTLY ENFORCE the 21 and over rule (saying you're "with the band" won't cut it.) Additionally, the party (at Castle Barrett's, at least...) will stop at 1:00 a.m.
- Band #1: Once again, "Bare" will kick things off with a mix of 80's, 90's and current rock. Lincoln-based Bare does not disappoint. These guys are all great friends of the party, be sure to catch their set at 9:00. http://www.bareband.com/
- Band #2: Yes, you guessed it... Paris recording-artist "3D" promises more 80's rock and feathered hair than you've seen since prom. With a completely revamped set-list and show, 3D will show why they're one of the most popular bands in the Midwest. Check them out at: http://3dinyourface.com
That's about it. I think everybody knows the routine. Please forward this to anyone who may have an interest and I look forward to seeing everyone on March 4th...
About the party...Did you know?
- The band Bare performed at the original bash some 7 years ago and has been involved with it ever since.
- Structural damage from the crowd forced us to relocate from our original apartment clubhouse to our current location.
- 10 kegs were consumed at the original Bash (28 kegs in 2005.)
- The 2005 Bash was discussed on Z-92's Todd 'n' Tyler Show the following Monday.
- Decision-making has exponentially deteriorated each year...
my night out...
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Kentucky Basketball 2005-06: R.I.P.
What a frustrating season. Tonight pretty much was the height of it. Kentucky up late, at home...and they get down one. What does a good and mature team (AT HOME!) do in this situation?
HACK UP A BUNCH OF THREES????? WHEN NO ONE ON TENNESSEE CAN DEFEND RANDOLPH MORRIS? THE ENTIRE GAME???
That was Kentucky's game. Period. And they couldn't put them away.
I have never, ever given up on a Kentucky team before. Even in the probation years. Well, sadly enough, I think there is a first for everything. I have never questioned Tubby, never questioned the players. Well, to the delight of everyone that contributes to this blog, and my friends everywhere:
I officially have given up on this season.
There's no consistent shooter, no power forward presence, no definative leadership....no chance. I still would honestly be shocked if they don't make the tourney and wouldn't be suprised at all if they win a game or two when they get there. But, sadly, this team has no chance.
That said (and in the true fashion of a hardened Cub fan), there is next year. Barring players leaving--which there is no one on this team ready to (I'M TALKING TO YOU, RONDO--if the only person scouting you in the NBA is Danny Ainge tonight and Chad Ford on ESPN, that means you're at LEAST a year away)--I think this team is a legitimate Top 10 team next year. They have some real athletes and an excellent shooter coming in next year. In fact, next year's starting lineup (again, assuming everyone who can stay stays), Rondo should be the shortest person in the lineup by 3 or 4 inches.
But those thoughts don't do much for me right now. Saturday night, I was depressed. Still was today. But I also came to grips with the fact that Florida is sweet this year and it was at Florida. However, this is Kentucky's third SEC loss at home this year, and THEY lost this game tonight. This is just totally unacceptable.
So, everyone--enjoy it while it lasts. You have about 8 and 1/2 months to revel in the silence of GA Hill.
P.S. I honestly appreciate everyone avoiding me during the seemingly 10,000 losses Kentucky has had this season. I'm sure it will be tee-off time in the comment section after people read this, so whatever--you've all earned it.
Here's to JJ scoring 50 and David Noel breaking his nose on the bottom of the backboard. Let's Go Duke!
You stopped a "feasibility" study. The reason it's called a "feasibility" study is to see if flooding your town to build one ass-rockin' lake is "feasible". Judging by the news last night, most of you will be dead by the time Ashland is flooded anyway, so you did an excellent job of protecting your own interests.
And don't say you want more people, jobs, and businesses in your town. I can think of a great way to make this happen: Turn on the faucets.
Normally it takes a good 2-day recovery time between shaves for my skin to be ripe and comfortable. I shaved yesterday. To test this bitch out, I shaved again this morning.
This didn't excite me like when the Mach3 Turbo came out (i.e. McGwire/Sosa homerun chase of '98). Sure it has more blades than the previous record holder (i.e. Bonds' 73), but I really was expecting more.
I still cut myself. Still got razor burn. Granted, both of these were noticeably less than with the Mach3 Turbo, and maybe it was the consecutive days shaving, but c'mon.
Also, and this may be the Cpt. Obvious point of the day, but it's a lot bigger. A bit awkward on your upper lip. Not as sleek. But a possible pinch hitter if your lady friend's battery operated boyfriend takes a dive.
I'm not saying this razor is an asshole like Bonds, but it's no Dan Quisenberry, either.
Monday, February 06, 2006
Apparently, Omaha's had a curling fascination since the late 50's. Cool. Turns out, and I am pissed, that we missed the timeline for curling lessons in Council Bluffs. But there is some consolation. The Aksarben Curling Association will be boozing at DJ's Dugout in Bellevue for all televised curling matches and invites each and everyone of us to join them. I'll go. The schedule is on this link. They seem like good people.
How did i miss all of this?
Here's my additions:
Duke hating...I realize that it's very easy to hate Duke and I'm ok with that. I'm also ok with my man crushes on JJ Redick, Wojo, Bobby Hurley, and Trajan Langdon. But the point I want to make here is something Pete said below...if Duke was playing NU no doubt i am cheering on the Big Red....as a matter of fact I was almost insulted by that comment as big of a die hard Husker Hoopster as i am. I
'm on my 8th straight year of season tickets for christ sake. On another note though Pete i really respect you dropping you allegiance to Kansas...good work, for that let me know if you want a ticket to Wed. game at the Bob so that you can cheer on Barry and the Miracles.
Also side Duke hating note....I'm going to the Final 4 this year...please God let Duke make it, thanks.
Creighton hating...I hate the Jays...but realy i just hate their fans. I think that if they weren't such pompous a-holes i could probably stomach to cheer for the second tier school in our state. I like Altman and I like his style of coaching and in general i can stand his players....but i hate the "Jay-backers" with a passion. I might actually hate their baseball fans more than their basketball fans if that's possible, i just dread that CU/NU Rosenblatte game every year. CU usually plays us tough because they know it's the biggest game they will play in that stadium every year and they always waste away a weekend series around that game because they throw their ace at us while we are throwing a freshman mid-week starter...just pisses me off. The only thing i like about Creighton athletics is that they serve booze at their games...but even that sucks because all they sell is Cosmo's.
another side note...the Husker Option guys have a little connection to us as i have been on their board before...last year they adopted the Raymond Central Mustangs as their h.s. team to follow and a lot of them show up at our games and are friends with our head coach...when are you bastards going to start showing up to see us????? For the record we are currently 7-8 with 6 losses by 5 points or less, i have lost most of my hair. Sub-districts are in Boys Town in a little over 2 weeks.
Curling...MIB, let me know what you find out about that curling league...i might drive up to play.
Friday, February 03, 2006
Heavy Soul...The T-Shirt!
Also, we had quite a week here at the blog. First we were featured on Deadspin. Thanks, guys--that mention generated unprecidented traffic for us. Then, the Coach K and Dookie V t-shirt put things right through the roof--since 9:30 am yesterday, this site has enjoyed a boom that, more than likely, won't be touched again...unless we really step up the posting. All said, we had well over 2,500 hits on this site in the past 31 hours or so. Unbelievable. And with my Creighton rant, well, I apparently became someone's best friend (glad I could be there).
All of this snowballed, right after the one-year anniversary of Heavy Soul.
As optimistic as I am, to say that I knew that this thing would still be rolling as strong as it was in the first two weeks of it starting out, I would be lying. It is a fun deal to do, and I think that now people have realized that we can indeed continue on this path to world domination. So bring the noise and let's keep this going.
Where do you stand?!?
I hate Creighton.
I'm serious. It is one of those deep, passionate hates. The "makes blood rush to your head and impair your judgment when you hear the name" hates.
Why do I care about Creighton? That, dear reader, is a great question. Because let's not kid ourselves--Creighton is nothing. Creighton vs. Drake? On a Saturday? The sound of that does not exactly wake the echoes of greatness, does it? I would rather stay at home and hit myself in the balls with a rubber mallet than watch a glorified high school game like that.But I do care. I have to care. I live in Omaha. I'm surrounded by it. And it is sickening. For several reasons:
1. Creighton fans are frauds. Yeah, I said it. Total frauds. Creighton fan is the guy who lives in Omaha and says things like "they play the game right," "Dana Altman is so much like Tom Osborne--he resonates with people in Nebraska," and "I really think Creighton can make some noise in the Big Dance."
First of all, don't say "the Big Dance," ever. Second of all, Dana Altman is nothing like Tom Osborne, other than the fact that he speaks in monotone during interviews--last I checked, he did not win two National Championships and is not considered one of the greatest college coaches of all time. All this aside, the biggest reason Creighton fan is a total fraud? Because every fall, they break out the red shirt and drive down to Lincoln every Saturday...because they're the biggest damned Husker fan in the world. Pick a side, asshole. Now, I am a member of a similar conundrum: I am a Husker fan through and through, but similarly, I am one of the biggest Kentucky basketball fans in the world. Big difference, though: I have always been extremely open about this fact (probably too open for most people around here), and I, as much as I make fun of Husker basketball, genuinely want them to succeed. Creighton fan inexplicitly hates Nebraska--during basketball season. This is horseshit. Bonus fraud points: Creighton fan similarly hates Nebraska baseball. However, as soon as the Huskers make their way to Omaha to play in the College World Series (yes, Creighton, it's true--playing your joke baseball team is not Nebraska's biggest game of the year like it is for you. It is a speed bump, at best.), there's 20,000 Husker fans running around Rosenblatt. Where do all these people come from? You guessed it: Omaha.
2. Creighton basketball games are a "place to be seen" here in Omaha. *gag* Ugg, I just puked in my mouth. For anyone who has been to a Creighton game, you know exactly what I am talking about. It is where the lawyers and doctors parade their happy ass little family around and drink $30 beers while the kiddies eat Thai food or whatever the fuck they serve at the Qwest Center. Get over yourself! These games are unbearable. There's 15,000+ people there, and you can hear a fucking pin drop. Because everyone is too busy glad-handing and talking about the kick-ass options they have on their new Lexus. Here's a thought: put down your Dippin' Dots, sit down in your cushy seat, put away your Kyle Korver Barbie-inspired bobble head that you paid $200 for on eBay, and watch the goddamned game. Yeah, the game! Remember--the reason all these people are at the arena? That's right! Yes, you absolutely can clap your hands! Feel free to get involved with the game!
3. Nate Funk and Kyle Korver. Sweet Jesus. Get these frat guys out of here. "Those guys are gutsy leaders who are just great shooters." Translation: we like it when pretty white boys are our best players. All you (still!) hear about is how great Nate Funk is and how unbelievable it is that they're still winning without him. "It's Dana's best coaching job yet!" Yet you don't hear Creighton fan talk about the fact that ol' Johnny Mathies is carrying the team this year, and is a better player than Nate Funk (and, weird--the guy is from Kentucky). I guess those cornrows scare the Omaha crowd a bit too much to acknowledge how good this guy is.
There are many, many more reasons to hate Creighton. And even though it is Friday, I do have to get back to work at some point, so I will leave it at three. Please, feel free to add to the madness in the comments!
American Curling is mustached men and...
This picture isn't the best, but I didn't want to spend much time surfing around. Feel free to add better links in the comments.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
My Sad Little Office
So what does this say about me?
It also is of note that my office in of the interior variety, so there is no window to look out of.