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Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Unapologetic Unresponsibility

This past weekend members of this friendly blog traversed the airways to The Valley of the Sun to catch a few rays and ball games. Although this trip was intended for pure leisure, I like to make every situation educational. Here a few of the things I learned:

--According to many anthropologists, the current ratio of good looking girls to ugly girls is 1:1. Fair enough. In Phoenix, the ratio is closer to 48.2:1. If you're an ugly girl in Phoenix, it is a city ordinance to have breast augmentation. I love fake titties.

--A diet consisting of Steves, Chucks, and Carls complemented by Taco Bell and dirty dogs will turn your rectum into a flame thrower. And while it's true that nicotine is a natural laxative, smoking while pooping will only increase the propensity of the molten poo. It's staggering.

--Making friends with local Spring Training celebrities is cool. Unless it's an asshole former umpire who now pays the bills by being a doorguy/bar bitch. It is inappropriate to challenge this larger ex-umpire to a fight when you are drunk by means of the shots of Jack Daniels that he bought for you.

--Being drunk three separate times in one day is not only possible, it's sweet.

--It is not always necessary to wear swimming trunks to the hotel pool, even if you brought a pair. It is however, inappropriate to wear nothing.

--Peer pressure does not end when you leave college. Nor should it.

--No matter the rapport you build with a cocktail waitress, check with her about possible boyfriends before spouting the line, "I want to be on you."

--When having adventures on the walk home, always bring a buddy. When said buddy tries to convince you to get into a bent shopping cart, allow him to. You never know when you'll tip over in front of a party and be invited in. Once inside the party feel free to make passes at girls disregarding any boyfriends that may be present. It is also okay to ask for a drink. It is not okay to become a beer bloodhound and search the apartment until you find one. However, if you do find one, feel free to take it.

--Know when to leave the party--it's always best to be known as the mysterious strangers, who stole the last beer at the party.

--Also know when to leave the aforementioned shopping cart on the side of the road. If you choose otherwise, make sure it is your buddy who has to ride in the cart. When you finally come to a fence, it is best just to leave the shopping cart behind. Seriously. There's no reason to lift a shopping cart over a fence, just so you can push your buddy back to your hotel room in it. If the multitude of warning signs don't convince you that it is a bad idea to take the cart back to the hotel pool, make sure some sort of female security guard is in the alley behind the hotel to stop you.

--Always bring cool props on trips like sailing caps and old cellular telephones. They'll come in handy.

--It is not necessary to use your empty backpack as a parachute while jumping into the hotel pool from the balcony. Nor is it necessary to jump off of the balcony in your sivvies. It is even further less necessary once in the pool to throw your undies up to the balcony.

--If one of your flip flop sandals blows out on you, you must destroy the other, not unlike when a musician destroys his guitar. It is your responsibility to punish that other sandal for making you look foolish. It is a very cathartic experience. It also requires you to have a "New Sandal Day" which is fun for everyone.

--The plain Belgian waffle with strawberry syrup is the perfect hungover breakfast, although a case can be made for a dirty dog and a Chuck.

--If 9-year-old girls know what a hangover is, they do not know how to treat one. It sure as shit isn't talking the hungover's fucking head off while he tries not to vomit on her. And if the hungover can manage a ten-minute cat nap and happens to wake himself up by snoring, shut the fuck up. Don't laugh. Don't ask me if I knew I was snoring. Of course I know I was fucking snoring, I woke myself up. And another thing, no that was not supposed to be a beard. And yes, I realize that the sideburns are a little lacking. Just watch your fucking SpongeBob, you little cunt.

--A good recovery scheme is not to nap for three hours and then watch the four-disc, 12-hour DVDs of The Office, even if you have the next day off.

Please, learn these lessons well so that I may not have to again.

Yes I realize that "unresponsibility" is not a word. I realize that irresponsibility is the correct phrasing. It was done for the "I'm still drunk" spelling effect.
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