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Monday, May 23, 2005

A few choice thoughts about North Platte

I had my first extended stay in the Planet this weekend. Just thought I would share a few thoughts I had during my stay. (Keep in mind I was staying with Kolkman)

- I now understand why all the gambling. The first thing I saw when walked into the Country Club was an organized blackjack game, complete with felt tables, real chips with markers and denominations, and dealers who actually call out "Changing $100!" It was the most incredible thing I have ever seen. Just blatantly breaking the law and not doing anything to hide it. You would think they would put that game in some smoky downstairs room with a sliding slot on the door, but no. They put it 20 feet from the bar so that patrons can continue to get drinks quickly, unbelievable. But that was nothing compared to the gambling that went on during the golf tournament. People were betting thousands of dollars on scramble golf. Not only that, they created sheets that explained the rules, listed team odds, and had "North Platte Country Club" listed across the top. They actually created documentation of the betting and then listed what the payouts were out in the open. I was use to the Saturday night poker game at Happy Hollow, but I just can't figure out how they can get away with basically running an open sports book out of a country club. Not that I'm going to bitch too much, we bet on ourselves in the silent calcutta and won like $400.

- Cody Go Karts is not that cool. That place is actually one of the most depressing fun parks I have ever been to. The slick track was closed down and the main track only had four carts going around. The mini golf course is full of weeds and the turf is coming up on most holes. Not to mention I had to use a goddamn range ball. Plus hole #2 might be the worst hole on the damn planet, every person in our group had to get down on their stomach and pool cue it through the damn stump. Pete, after playing that course, I believe you have to change those mini golf ratings. The only thing that course possibly has is a nostalgic value, which isn't enough to put it in the top five in Nebraska. Finally, the worst thing I saw was some poor chicken who they had stuck inside a machine and made it play tic-tac-toe against people who put in a quarter. Can you imagine how that chicken must feel losing all the time? Overall rating for Cody Go Karts: Made me want to listen to some Death Cab, put on a shirt that says "Fuck North Platte", and go drinking at The Alamo. In other words, Kill Myself.

- I only made it to one bar because Paul was a vag on Saturday night, but I'll give some general thoughts on the Brothers bar scene. Really, cheap drinks. I mean really. Let's just say that when I got back to Omaha last night I spent more on one Red Bull and vodka than I spent on three there. There were more cowboy hats than I was expecting and a lot of random thongs making their way above the jean line. Seriously, these girls must have collectively decided that they were going to let guys see that they were wearing thongs. They all had shirts that showed off a little stomach, low rise jeans, and a thong just sticking up in back. Fine by me. Also, lots of drunk fifty year olds in the bar. And when I say drunk, I mean drunk. One guy walked over to our table and started talking in some strange english sounding drunkese that included calling Paul a "shurgeown" (surgeon), his friend Ty was a "really handshome fella, no, I mean damn cute", and I was a "blashphemin', Goddamn Antichrisht," after he found out I was going to be a lawyer. Comedy.

Some parting thoughts:
- Paul's a slut
- People can't drive in NP, I was almost side swiped twice.
- Saw some dude randomly riding his bike at 10AM. He was chugging a beer while riding and had the rest of the six pack dangling from the handle bars.
- Will somebody please explain why there needs to be three viaducts in that town?
- If that town is so cool, why do your parents continue to move away and none of you live there?
- Finally, Gump is a funny fucking kid.

Big Boi...
Glad you got to play in that golf tourney...its a spectacle and it has the best calcutta I have ever been a part of....I should have told my dad to buy your team as well.
On another note...next time you go back, save yourself all the thought time on why that town sucks so much and drive 12 miles west...
Speaking of Hershey, I have a great Easter weekend story that I have been meaning to post...I'll give the short version...
-What's the safest way to to get home w/out a dui in the great town of Hershey??? Simple, have the sherrif who isn't currently on duty (instead he is still drinking at 4 am with you in Butch's while pouring himself free drinks) call in a fake 911 emergency that there is a cow on the interstate...
No joke, over easter weekend some of us went to Butch's, the owner didn't make us leave, instead just closed the blinds, told us to have free reign on the booze and to lock up when we left. One problem, the freaking sherriff on duty must have known we were in there because he just sat outside. What he didn't realize is that the off duty sherrif (yes we only have 3 with one on duty at all times) was in boozing with us as well. Off duty guy calls in a fake 911 and we all drive home safely...and you wonder why i love that town!
Big Boi,

I don't have enough time to respond to all of your heinous allegations about The Planet. I can sum it up by saying your biggest problem was that you went with Paul. An equivalent to that would be touring Amsterdam with a toddler.

Shearer, Birch, OC or Rick would love to accompany you on a real trip. And I guarantee you Cody Go-Karts looks a lot better after Memorial Day.

And TJ...That is the funniest story I've ever heard in my life, hands down.
Count again "God's Country" has four viaducts
Big Boi, you're right. NP is just like every other mid-major town in NE. Norfolk, NP, Fremont, Kearney, Wastings, Oga-whatever, Sco-Blow/Gaering, they're all the same. I'm not saying Lincoln is anything sweet, but really NP folks, other than a small fraction of people that come out of there, it's not very cool.
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