A Dysfunctional Christmas Volume 1

For most Christmas is a time
To spread joy and cheer
But that is not the case
For a guy like me this year

I’m left with many questions
From the year that has come and passed
I go searching for the answers
At the bottom of a whiskey glass

But when I get to the bottom
Of that tasty little treat
I only seem to have more questions
Laying at my feet

Where have I been?
And What Did I do?
I did what at that Christmas party?
I made out with who?

So as Christmas comes a calling
I’ll hold my head up high
And pray the person I kissed
Doesn’t turn out to be a guy

Many things about Christmas
Leave me red in the face
And since you are still reading
I’ll give you a little taste

Searching for the popular toy
That’s on your child’s list
Is something that can make you
More than a little pissed

You will fight with other parents
And you’ll probably overpay
Just to make them smile
When they open it on Christmas Day

But then something will happen
That will make you really hot
Your ex will get her a puppy
And your gift will go for not

You’ll spend all day with people
You can’t stand the rest of the year
You wear a cheesy fake smile
And tell them things they want to hear

The things that you tell them
Couldn’t be farther from the truth
But you probably shouldn’t tell them
You’d rather be hanging by a noose

That isn’t Christmas Spirit
You should be the better man
Even though you want to introduce them
To the back side of your hand

The one thing that will save me
This year on Christmas day
Is that after Christmas Dinner
I can drink the night away

My face will light up with joy
Brighter than the North Star
As I sing Christmas carols
With Jack Daniels at the bar

When I was a younger lad
I could never figure out why
The bar was the only thing open
In the whole town Christmas night

But now that I am older
And have gone through this hellacious year
I am glad the bar is open
To serve me lots of beer

It helps me to forget
The problems that I face
There’s no where I’d rather be
Than in this friendly place

I’m saddened by the fact
This poem is coming to a close
I really enjoyed telling you
How much my life really blows

But I can’t end it like that
It really wouldn’t be fair
I should end it on a happy note
So good tidings I shall share

So if you’re feeling stressed
About Christmas this year
I have some sound advice
You just might want to hear

Wear a smile on your face
For worse or for better
Even if you’re gift
Is just a crappy sweater

Because Christmas will be gone
Just like every year that has passed
And jolly Old Saint Nick
Can kiss your hairy ass!