The end is nigh for EZT's virginity. Just over 24 hours away from the beginning of the end. In 24 hours we begin the death march, one hole at a time. Some will golf, others will drive the hearses. I will get drunk.

We'll try on tuxedos. We'll flirt with the inseam girl. EZT may shed tears.

We'll go to rehearsal. We'll embarrass him in front of his in-laws.

We'll go to Misty's and get drunk. We'll all buy the Mangler some Michelobs. We'll relive college days and try to find Gage a skank. Or perhaps he'll find one first. We'll wake up drunk, probably scattered across the capitol city.

We'll be late for pictures. I won't keep my eyes open. Most of us will smell awful or at least have that capability. Once at the church, one person is guaranteed to have a case of the beer shits. We will pick out which bridesmaid Vetter is going to rail. The processional will start and EZT will cry. Over/under on how many notes until it happens? "It is an honor for me to introduce to you for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. EZT," says the priest. We'll pay him for it.

We'll get into limos or buses or frat vans and have a little booze cruise. We'll show up to the reception in a manner slightly less than appropriate.

My mom will scold me for picking my ass during the ceremony. I'll giggle and buy her a shot. She'll politely refuse and slam the rest of her Michelob. The dance will start and a soul train will ensue. During Gage's turn, he will rip his pants. It must happen. Preferably during "Celebrate," by Kool and The Gang. Or "Everybody Have Fun," by Wang Chung. Yeah, I like that one better.

GA Hill and I will probably relive the ham incident when he steals some of my cake. Unbelievably, none of us will be thrown out. Partially because we have the good fortune of making it to the men's room before hurling.

Here's to EZT. We barely knew thee.