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Tuesday, July 31, 2007

From Our Friends on the Left Coast

This week's irrefutable proof that Los Angeles can go fuck itself (Thanks to B at exit177.blogspot.com, the best NP blog on the internet, no question):

A column from the the LA Times by T.J. Simers

Nebraska fans, lend him your ears -- and more. Simers wants to experience the run-up to the USC game with Cornhuskers fans, if any are willing to show him what their lives are like.

July 31, 2007 I am writing this now to give the overland stage time to get it there. USC will be playing in Nebraska on Sept. 15, and I will be joining the greatest football team ever assembled as they strike out into the wilderness. If possible, I'd like to spend time boarding with some corn cobs, maybe getting a smell of what it's like to be around livestock — then leaving Lincoln to move around the state and spend a few days here and there.

A stop in Wahoo at the Wigwam Café is probably a good start, but I was thinking it'd be interesting to stay with a real-live-boring Cornhuskers family somewhere out on the prairie so I can feel what it's like to have nothing to look forward to in my life other than a Saturday afternoon football game.

I'll be going to Nebraska early in the football week, and while I'm not sure what corn cob hospitality is like, I'd like to remind folks that when they came to L.A., I tried to help.

Remember when the Cornhuskers came to the big city to lose in the Rose Bowl? Everyone here knows there are no individual seats — just long benches for the skinny people who live here.I was looking out for the corn-fed porkers, of course, including all their big-butted women, when I told them that if everyone sat down after the anthem, there were going to be people falling atop each other at the end of each row.

A number of corn cobs e-mailed to say they were unhappy with Page 2 but thrilled now to have their very own Internet machines.They also wanted to tell me about their wonderful lives, kids and the modern facilities being built right down there by the creek. Well, there's nothing like a Wal-Mart coming to town to excite the locals, so I was thrilled for them. But for some reason that didn't come across in our correspondence, and there might still be some hard feelings.

I got to thinking last summer, though, as I drove the family-that-I-used-to-love across Nebraska in a RV what it must be like to actually live there most every day of your life.I can't remember for sure if it was Nebraska or Kansas where I saw a tree, but it just seemed as if there wasn't much there.

That's why the corn cobs love their football. It's all they have, everyone wearing red, and sitting there like plump, ripe tomatoes with corncobs stuck to their heads, singing, "There is no place like Nebraska."Hard to argue. There's not a 7-Eleven in the entire state, thousands of people never once tasting a Slurpee, which got me wondering whether I could live that way for a whole week.

I know there aren't a whole lot of cities in Nebraska, but I'm willing to spend a few days out yonder with a family if someone would like to show me what it's like to live without DirecTV and not ask me to kill a chicken for dinner.

I can play checkers if forced, though, or make a run to the Feed Store. Right now I'm willing to go wherever the corn cobs tell me to go, and while several have already done that, I'd like to see for myself they're not talking about some place in Nebraska.

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This kind of thing is something you should just blow off and say "whatever" to...but FUCK this guy.

It is incredible to me that some elitest fuck that writes for the LA Times--how are those layoffs and double-digit losses coming?--has the nerve to write things like this.

Now, I get that LA can be a beautiful place--there is absolutely no argument against 72 degree weather everyday is as good as it gets--and fake boobs everywhere. Fantastic. Here are the things that also make it beautiful (headlines taken from a quick Google News search):

-"43 Are Arrested in Gang Inquiry in Los Angeles"

-"Lawyer: Kevin Federline Focused on Parenting After"

-"ACLU sides with gangs" (No, this is not from The Onion.)

-"Phil Spector trial: Day 41"

-"Lohan sued over car crash"

-"Retired LA police sergeant fatally shot waiting for tow truck"

-"A Law-Abiding Pedophile?"

Wow, LA sounds so awesome that I want to kill myself.

I've been to LA, and I have to admit, I liked it a LOT better than I imagined I would. Pretty cool city. But it is a ridiculous city. It is virtually not real. No one there is real. It is a city that you only matter if you "know" someone, and you don't die at the hands of someone suffering from a nasty little case of road rage.

So here's to you and LA, A.J. Enjoy your real estate collapse and impending recession! Oh, and your early death from lung disease from all the smog.

Fuck off.
Also, did anyone read this guy's bio? He went to college in DeKalb, ILL and lived in Wisconsin and Idaho . . .how can be seriously make fun of Neb after making the decision to go to college in DeKalb!!!

Your article is well written. Cant wait to read more
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