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Tuesday, October 07, 2008

I want a new drug...and a new baseball team.

With no Heavy Soul favorite teams any longer in the hunt for the World Series crown, baseball talk will likely be flushed until the spring. But before we plunge this season for good, I need to vent.

I wrote in the preseason that I was really excited about the prospects (both meanings) of the Oakland Athletics this year. My hopes were shattered. Against history and odds, the Fighting Billy Beanes had a very productive first half of the season. But that didn't distract us from the systematic dismantling of the team. Then the regular string of injuries hurt descended like the plague of locusts that they are.

Again, the destructive forces of trades and injuries are nothing new to my psyche. But the stank coming from the dugout and scorecards is something new. Not one regular ended above .300. One fucking pitcher had 10 wins. While across the division, K-Rod was saving 100 games, Huston Street saved 18. Daric Barton, a man-child who I've had intimate thoughts about, had an Alex Gordonesque rookie year. If the A's are gonna be this shitty, I might as well become a Royals fan. At least I could catch a few games in person each year.

I'd like to give you a closer look at what I mean.

Kurt Suzuki, .279 BA, .346 OBP, 148 G. I'm fine with this guy. I'll cheer for him as long as he's in the league.
Rob Bowen, .176 BA, .219 OBP, 37 G. Thanks, Chicago Cubs. You deserved to win it all simply for unloading this bum on us. The A's used their 2004 1st round pick on All-Everything Landon Powell and in four years, he hasn't sniffed the bigs. He might be a hypochondriac.

Daric Barton, .226 BA, .327 OBP, 9 HR, 47 RBIs. I wasn't expecting huge power numbers from him, but Andy Ruiz had a better average in D-League slow pitch...barely. There's a 21-year-old kid in A-ball named Chris Carter who blasted 39 ding dongs this season, but he's at least 3 years away. And by that time, he'll probably be trade bait. Awesome.

Mark Ellis, .233 BA, .321 OBP, 117 G, .993 fielding pct. I'm not going to say much bad about Rapid City's finest, but his average did drop about 80 points from last year. Ouchy.
Cliff Pennington, .242 BA, .339 OBP, 36 G. Great name. If we don't resign Ellis, here's my starting 2B. I'm room temperature on that.
Eric Patterson, .174 BA, .269 OBP, 30 G. At least he can play left field. I hope he's as good as his older brother Corey.

Bobby Crosby, .237 BA, .296 OBP, 39 2B, 61 RBIs. In his first healthy year since '05, Crosby looked like a real son of a bitch.
Donnie Murphy, .184 BA, .274 OBP, 46G. This guy barely missed out on the NKOTB reunion tour.

Eric Chavez, .247 BA, .295 OBP, 23 G. Yes, he had three surgeries late last season, but he will get paid $11 million next year to most likely DH. Double awesome.
Jack Hannahan, .218 BA, .305 OBP, 47 RBI, 143 G. (See also: Murphy, Donnie)
Jeff Baisley, .256 BA, .319 OBP, 14G. I don't want to know who this is.

Ryan Sweeney, .286 BA, .350 OBP, 5 HR, 45 RBI. Led the team in BA. Closer to Mendoza than Williams.
Carlos Gonzalez, .242 BA, .273 OBP, 26 RBIs, 85 G. So much for five-tools. I'd settle for one good one.
Travis Buck, .226 BA, .291 OBP, 25 RBI, 38 G. If he can stay healthy, he could be average.
Rajai Davis, .260 BA, .288 OBP, 25 SB, 101 G (Oakland stats only)
Aaron Cunningham, .250 BA, .310 OBP, 14 RBIs, 22 G
Jack Cust, .231 BA, .375 OBP, 33 HR, 77 RBIs. I thought the steroid era was over.

Justin Duchscherer, 10-8, 2.54 ERA, 22 starts
Greg Smith, 7-16, 4.16 ERA, 32 starts
Dana Eveland, 9-9, 4.34 ERA, 29 starts
Sean Gallagher, 2-3, 5.88 ERA, 11 starts with OAK
Josh Outman, 1-2, 4.56 ERA, six games, four starts
Gio Gonzalez, 1-4, 7.68 ERA, 10 games, seven starts
Dallas Braden, 5-4, 4.14 ERA, 19 games, 10 starts
Dan Meyer, 0-4, 7.48 ERA, 11 games, four starts

Joey Devine, 6-1, 0.59 ERA, 45 2/3 IP, 49 K
Brad Ziegler, 3-0, 1.06 ERA, 47 G, 11 SV
Huston Street, 7-5, 3.73 ERA, 63 G, 18 SV. This asshole made me not hate Texas for a bit.
Andrew Brown, 1-0, 3.09 ERA, 31 G
Santiago Casilla, 2-1, 3.93 ERA, 51 G
Jerry Blevins, 1-3, 3.11 ERA, 36 G. Real name is Jerry.
Jeff Gray, 0-0, 7.71 ERA, 5 G
Alan Embree, 2-5, 4.96 ERA, 70 G. Graduated with Wade Boggs from high school.

Short story made long, I'm sick of this shit. Trade away our best three pitchers at some point during the year. And the heart of the clubhouse in Swisher. And now the new ballpark has been delayed until 2012 at the absolute earliest. Maybe I'll switch to the Twins. They've got a new ballpark coming and I've seen in person that construction has started.

Although Oaksterdam's finest all-purpose ball park ranked second to worst in health-code violations, they still offer sweet bottomless nacho and soda packages for $30. So there's still hope.
I think Al Davis might be consulting this team.
After reading through that roster, I know how it felt for those fans on Major League when they read the Indians opening roster...who are these effing guys?

I'm really enjoying being a Royals fan. It's such a small commitment that it's very relaxing, and people feel bad for you.
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Thanks MIB. I had nearly forgotten about "The Andy Rule". I found those "self portraits" in your old room when I moved out and I will be posting them soon. Sick-o.
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