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Friday, February 01, 2008

Pete's NFL Picks: Super Bowl Edition

With a head of steam coming off of a bye-week, it’s time to get down to business: the business of the SUPER BOWL. The SUPER BOWL combines the best elements of football, gambling, drinking, capitalism, and crockpotted cuisine into one gluttonous Sunday. Why is SUPER BOWL capitalized? Well, that brings me to a trend that I had never noticed until this year.

Apparently, the NFL has copyrighted use of the term Super Bowl. I don’t know if this was done in 1967 or 2005, by Hank Stram or Paul Tagliabue. What it means to you and I are ads exclaiming, “come watch the big game at Hooters,” or “It’s the biggest game of the year, so buy some Clearly Canadian” (Clearly Canadian is good and making a comeback, according to my sources). The NFL has copyrighted words. Advertisers will not say SUPER BOWL. But Pete will write SUPER BOWL in this post at least 12 times. I will keep you all advised on any lawsuits that roll in.

Now, in what was intended to be a post earlier in the week that got derailed by my first-hand Drake basketball experience (they are currently on an 18 game winning streak and ranked 16th nationally. Plus their coach’s first name is Keno, like the gambling activity, so this is relevant. And the circle comes around). I now present you with an abbreviated version of the best NFL teams of all time in this guy’s opinion. Let me say that if the Patriots go on and conquer the Giants to complete the 19-0, they will shoot to the top. They are not listed now because until a team wins a Super Bowl, they cannot be in the discussion.

1. The 1989 49ers. This team had Montana, Rice, and Craig at their absolute peaks, and is perhaps the best offense in NFL history before this year’s Pats. Their defense was a little above NFL average, but they demolished Denver 55-10 in the 1990 Super Bowl and were a juggernaut of epic proportions.

2. The 1967 Packers. This team had like 79 Hall of Famers and Vince Lombardi. Bart Starr. Ray Nitschke. Jerry Kramer. That receiver that was so hungover he almost didn’t play. I love that story.

3. The 1985 Bears. A close third. The best defense either goes to them or the 2000 Ravens. Walter Payton. Singletary. This team had playmakers galore, especially on defense and special teams, featuring North Platte uncle and underrated Tecmo machine Dennis Gentry. Would be first except that Jim McMahon was really not very good, and their best receiver was a better track athlete.

4. The 1978 Steelers. The best team of the 70s. God, I hate the f-ing Steelers. Let’s move on.

5. The 1999 Broncos. This narrowly, and I mean narrowly edged out the 1992 Cowboys, and I’m probably alone on this one, but hear me out. An explosive offense featuring my all time favorite receiver Rod Smith, Terrell Davis, Easy Ed McCaffrey and his youth league shoulder pads, and a destructive offensive line. The defense was stout as well with my least favorite player Bill Romanowski and Trevor Pryce. This team went 14-2 in the regular season and rolled a good Falcons team in the Super Bowl.

Honorable mention goes to the 1992 Cowboys and Gothenburg, NE native Jay Novacek. Like the interesting new band Vampire Weekend, they are pretty fantastic. But they are no Kings of Leon.

Then, here comes a top 5 crockpotted list of Super Bowl foods:

1. Little smokies. 2. Super Bowl dip (You know, the one with like cheese and hamburger meat with taco seasoning) 3. Chili (especially with the Nebraska public school-created concoction with cinnamon rolls, which you can now get at Runza) 4. Spare Ribs (I rocked these for the title game) 5. Beer cheese (dip or soup, all good)

Sentence I hear on Monday after the Super Bowl every year that makes me want to jam a pencil through my ears: “The commercials just weren’t that great this year.” Really, dipshit? That’s because they’re commercials. Watching TV for the commercials is like smoking for the lung cancer. Grow up.

And now, the pick. We are wrapping up another successful playoff season here at Pete’s NFL Picks. A documented 6-4 ATS record. My horoscope says tread lightly, don’t mess up a good thing, and don’t blow your entire profit on the last game of the year. Those astrology folks sure know me. Anyway, onto the pick.

NEW ENGLAND (-12) over The New York Football Giants

New England is clearly the better team here, and since they have reached the summit, they have every motivation to bludgeon the Giants into the turf. I’m not saying the Giants won’t hang in for awhile, but I’m actually, and regrettably, predicting that we are in for a boring game, kiddies. And by boring I mean low-scoring, bad commercials, more eating than watching, and betting the under 53.5 (the bet I really like).

I don’t have a good feel for the spread here, but I do like that under and that is my last bit of football financial advice for this NFL season, but we will be back with a vengeance in September.
New England 31 NYFBG 17

As always, feel free to agree with me in the comments below.

Oh wait, it’s the Super Bowl, and that means prop bets! Here we go, a happy bonus for you lucky bastards:
Top 7 Props
1. Tails
2. Under the National Anthem (Jordin Sparks will be in a hurry to get through it, trust me, she sucks, and I have insider info. Pound it. Thank me now or later.)
3. Tom Petty will play “Free Fallin”.
4. Randy Moss under receptions
5. Brandon Jacobs over carries
6. Pete under 8.5 beers (I'm old and it's a school night)
7. Mayfield, Hales, Delusional KC Fan, GaHill, Toffer, and every other HeavySouler, over 100 little smokies, 3.5 crock pots, 80 beers, 48 prop bets, and under 21.5 discussions involving commercials. (Note, the odds on this are about 1/937)
Long shot: Kevin Boss or Kevin Faulk will score the first TD’s.

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I've got insider info for your #7 prop bet...

Bet the overs on the crock pots! We're going to be swimming in chili, boys!

I think the G-men have a better shot at beating the Pats than any other team in the NFL. They have the ability to get in Brady's face without blitzing. If the G-mens D-line shows up and is able to get pressure on Brady, this will be a very close game.
Check out the prediction from Aqua Teen Hunger Force's Carl;


Giants by 23!
Try this:

Fuck! It wont let me post the whole thing. After "episode" plug in : ID=8a25c39217bfdc6e0117c0a95fa50003

It's worth the effort
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