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Wednesday, February 06, 2008

The Real Sesame Street

So this morning I got up to go to class, found out it was a snowday, and then climbed back into bed and turned on the TV. I watched Mr. Warmth on HBO Family last night and so when I turned on the TV, Sesame Street: Follow that Bird was in full swing. I remembered that Waylon Jennings made an appearance as the truck driver and sang a song with Big Bird so I decided to wait around to see that part. Unfortunately for me, I missed that portion of the movie. However, I did have a few observations about the show that everyone watched when they were a kid.

First, Sesame Street was a dump. That place looks like a Warsaw ghetto after Kristallnacht. Its supposed to be somewhere in Brooklyn. Yeah, Brooklyn after the Apocolypse. There are monsters running around eating everything in sight and a vampire roams the street counting the number of children loitering on the sidewalks. Kids shouldn't be on the streets in a neighborhood like that.

Second, what the fuck is a honker? Who came up with these things? They might be the single most annoying fictional creation in history.

Third, what do Maria, Gordon, Susan, etc. (the humans on the show) do? They teach little kids who hang out on the street during the middle of the day lessons about numbers and letters. Shouldn't they be concerned that the kids are hanging out on a street corner instead of being in school on a school day? Somehow, they also have the ability to go off searching for an eight foot bird for months. Who pays the rent and the bills? Are they independently wealthy or something? Are the street lessons a simple way for them to sling dope?

Fourth, there is no doubt that Bert and Ernie were gay.

Fifth, I didn't remember this until watching today, there were several grouches besides Oscar on Sesame Street. They act like a homeless, street gang. They all live in trash cans, talk shit to everyone they're around, and exhibit an overall air of invincibility. They should have just given each a 9 mm and a pair of Jordan's.

Sixth, Sesame was better when we were watching and Elmo didn't really exist yet.


Finally, the Sleaze Brothers (played by Dave Thomas of Strange Brew and SCTV fame and Joe Flaherty who was also on SCTV) might be the most evil characters ever created. These guys created an entire carnival with the purpose of conning little kids out of money. They rigged games, denied refunds, and tried to get as much money as they could while providing the least amount of benefit to their customers. The only thing worse than that is the Disney Corp.

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If I'm not mistaken I believer the street started in 1968 or 1969 so I believe you can diredtly relate all of your beef to LSD and the counter-culture.
I always thought that the Sleaze brothers (despite being SCTV vets) were a little too evil for the Sesame Street demographic. Most antagonists in young children's fare are cartoonish or so outlandish that even small children can supposedly distinguish reality from their antics.

However these assholes were real life, legitimate shysters with intentions of swindling children out of money while the kids thought they were going to a carnival for a presumably monumental event in their childhood. Innocence robbed in the name of muppets. Dangerous.

But, I suppose they can be attributed to a general malaise toward carnies, which is probably a good thing.
I don't like carnies... small hands... smell of cabbage.

On a somewhat related topic, one of my funniest concert memories is the Barnaked Ladies at Target Center.

After "2 weeks," they bust into one of their improv takes on all the current pop hits. After... Ray of Light, I think... Ed runs to the front of the stage and screams "NEAR", then runs to the back and screams "FAR."

He does 2 or 3 times, then when he gets back to the front of the stage and yells "NEAR", Steven immediately follows with "far.... whereEVER you are..."

Yep, BNL going from Grover to Celine Dion in two notes.

And for the record, Elmo is the antichrist.
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