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Friday, April 18, 2008

The Tunnel Walk: Spring Game

Here it is, Husker fans: where the hype hits the field for the annual Red and White Spring Game.

As you can tell from this blog and other media sources across The Good Life, the excitement for new head coach Bo Pelini is at fever pitch. The same can be said for the Spring Game: with a sell-out and tickets going for $85 at Ticket Express, it's safe to say that people are kind of fired up.

(Side note: Tunnel Walk gives an enthusiastic two middle fingers up to Ticket Express. Don't use them.)

Also with much hype comes...The Tunnel Walk! We know how excited Husker fans get waiting for us to put out the newest edition of The Walk, so the wait is over.

And because the Spring Game is just a glorified practice, we're treating The Tunnel Walk in the same fashion. So temper your expectations, and here we go....

Kickoff Classics: Start Me Up vs. Crazy Train


Assuming you make it into the stadium for kickoff, which can admittedly be daunting, especially if the game starts before noon or after six, either The Rolling Stones’ last big hit ‘Start Me Up’ or Ozzy Osbourne’s ‘Crazy Train’ will be blaring for some 165-pound orphan to put his boot to the leather prior to kickoff.

While both are seemingly appropriate for such malnourished foot-to-football contact, The Tunnel Walk feels that a tale of the tape needs to be done in order to establish The Official Tunnel Walk Kickoff Anthem.

Motivational Purpose (fans): Start Me Up seems to be approachable for the octogenerarians, and of course the boomers in the stands love the Stones. Crazy Train motivates people to hang themselves. Advantage: Start Me Up

Motivational Purpose (special teamers): The Tunnel Walk seems to feel that most special teamers would be fired up if Enya was played prior to the kickoff, but thankfully for everyone involved it’s not. For sheer make-you-wanna-run-through-a-wall-ability, we gotta give it to The Dark Prince. Advantage: Crazy Train

Guitar Skills:
This is not a slight to Keith Richards in the least, as the Tunnel Walk is a huge fan of his licks, particularly on “Tumbling Dice”, “Honkey Tonk Woman”, and “Can’t You Hear Me Knocking”, but guitarist Randy Rhoads was on the fast track to becoming the greatest metal guitarist in history before he died in a plane crash. Crazy Train is his swan song and signature riff, while Start Me Up is maybe in the top 20 of best Stones’ guitar songs. Advantage: Crazy Train

Extracurricular Activities of Artists: Ozzy Osbourne once bit the head off of a bat, pissed on the Alamo, snorted ants for the hell of it, and tried to kill his wife. All this and he still had time to father two of the most annoying children on the planet. But then there is Keith Richards, who snorted his dad’s ashes, has been banned from entire countries numerous times, arrested for drugs more times than Robert Downey Jr., and fallen out of a tree that he was sitting in for no apparent reason. Throw in the rest of the Stones, and this one is probably no contest. Advantage: Start Me Up

Careers: Ozzy was in Black Sabbath and a bunch of solo stuff, and also had a very popular reality show. The Stones are the fucking Stones. Advantage: Start Me Up

Most Effective at Psyching Opponents Out: Start Me Up kind of fires people up in a non-menacing way, like ‘Pump up the Jam’ without the Techno or ‘Rock and Roll, Part II’ without the pedophilia. Crazy Train tells opponents that their kick returner will be decapitated. Big Advantage: Crazy Train

Originality: Start Me Up gets played at practically every sporting event, and while Crazy Train is hardly obscure, after all, it has been covered (and well) by Tom Jones, The Tunnel Walk feels a little less pervasive. Advantage: Crazy Train

So there you, have it, by a slim 4-3 margin, your winner of the Kickoff Classic: Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne, which would certainly get Tom Osborne’s approval.

Top 5 Beers of Spring

1. Sam Adams Boston Lager
2. Blue Moon
3. Old Style
4. Busch Light (perfect for grilling)
5. O’Douls (because Spring is the perfect time to quit drinking, you know, if you were so inclined.
6. Bonus: Top snack of Spring: Cheetos with hot sauce. Seriously.

Other Spring Position Changes of Note, besides Cody Glenn


1. Greg Sharpe to really good play by play guy
2. Steve Pederson to antichrist
3. Iowa State to official Big 12 doormat, replacing Baylor
4. Danny Woodhead to NFL
5. Coach Mike Anderson from also-ran to semi-god of Haymarket Park

Rosey, Don’t Let The Door Hit You In The Ass On The Way Out

Ah, spring. Hope springs eternal, does it not? Indeed.

There’s a lots of reasons for optimism this Husker season. Gone are the no-looking-back-while-defending-the-pass-while-playing-roughly-80-pounds-overweight defense. Gone is Bill Callahan and his inability to fire up a meth head hopped up on a case of Red Bull (and his “too complicated for you!” shit attitude). Gone are Steve Pederson and his North Platte-rep-killing.

This all should be enough. However, there’s one extra treat for you, Husker fan: no more Jim Rose.

Jim Rose and his own special brand of complete insanity and lunacy can be found on 1110 KFAB on their “Good Morning Show.” Thankfully, it will not be gracing the broadcast booth at Memorial Stadium.

In fact, the only thing that concerned us about Rose “leaving” the booth was that the hilarious skits on Unsportsmanlike Conduct would fade away. Well, they haven’t. It’s literally the best of both worlds-situation here, folks.

We were going to do some more on this part of the Tunnel Walk; however, upon beginning to fire up the ol’ Google, we found this. This is the home page for one Jim Rose, who lives in Wickford, RI. It might tip the unintentional comedy scale all the way past 10. It will take you about 3 minutes to look at everything on his site, so make sure to do so. You’ll be happy you did.

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, Adrian Fiala!

Prediction


Prediction time! Considering it is impossible to predict the final score of a inter-squad practice, we will say this: Tunnel Walk is a pretty big fan of Coach Pelini splitting the teams up equally. It should be a lot of fun to watch, and we think there will be a lot of pent up aggressiveness on display after 4 years of Cosgrove systematically ripping these players' will to live away.

So who wins? You, Husker fan. Enjoy watching your beloved Cornhuskers take the field with some pride once again.

See you in the fall.

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Comments:
Too bad that Jim Rose doesn't live the Good Life...wait a second, that bastard stole my fajita recipe!!!
 
nicely done....

I'm going to add a "things to watch for" list:
-Linebacker play, this is making me a nervous wreck, if Cody Glenn is really in a postion to start next year we are in serious trouble. So watch the play of LaTravius Washington and Blake Lawrence...we are going to be counting heavily on them next year.
-Defensive Ends, will Turner return to his pash rushing form or will him and Potter continue to get knocked on their ass by tight ends?
-Backup QB race...Witt or Lee. This is maybe the biggest battle of the spring in my eyes, one of them needs to emerge, not just for QB2 but for the following year.
-Roy Helu...is it hype or is he really having the best spring of all our RB's like most reports have mentioned.
-Tight ends...this has been a real sore spot the last few years, do we have any worth a sh!t this year???
 
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