It was good to know you. Your witty commentary and delicious Dorothy Lynch concauctions will be missed.

Labels: Awesomeness, Dick Tricks, Dorothy Lynch, The Tunnel Walk

Did anyone know about this rivalry trophy until it was featured on NCAA Football? The Tunnel Walk didn't think so. The Mighty Cornhuskers hold a large advantage of the Tigers in the win column, but the teams have alternated wins since 1996, which bodes well for the Big Red. Here's what Wikipedia.org has to say about it:

Labels: Dorothy Lynch, Nebraska Football, The Tunnel Walk

Welcome back, sports fans. We know you've missed Tunnel Walk. Tunnel Walk has missed you too, baby. But now Tunnel Walk is back and promises never to leave your side again. It's just that Tunnel Walk gets so scared when there's no football. And a scared Tunnel Walk is a dangerous Tunnel Walk.

So NU finds itself facing the vaunted VaTech Hokies. What's a Hokie? Don't feel embarassed, only Tunnel Walk and Jim Druckenmiller knew before this week. A Hokie is simply a loyal Virginia Tech fan. It comes from a cheer created in 1896 when Virginia Agricultural and Mechanical College changed its name to Virginia Polytechnic Institute. So where does the turkey come from? The HokieBird is based on the nickname "the gobblers" granted in 1908. There are many theories as to where this came from. One is that the football team would respond to a crowd cheer by gobbling. Another is that an observer commented that the team "gobbled" their post-game meal. One theory held by some Tunnel Walkers is that Tech football team gobbles something else. Hey yo! Zing!



Top 5 Ways to Tell it is a Big Game in Memorial Stadium

1. Even the people with oxygen tanks stand up occasionally
2. You are so close to the person sitting next to you, you could inadvertently conceive a child
3. Clapping is so out-of-sync it becomes in-sync
4. Coach Ekeler kills scout team linebacker in pre-game revelry
5. Tom Osborne clips coupons, reads Nicholas Sparks novel, makes Cream of Wheat, eats Cream of Wheat, sips hot tea, levitates


The Recruit Files:

Already Committed: Cody Green, QB. 6-4, 220lbs, Dayton, TX. Already the bell cow of the class, Green seems to be the epitome of the Balanced QB if we were playing NCAA 09. A converted RB (he wore the #21 jersey before switching to a more quarterbackly #7), Green can burn you with his feet. However, it's Watson's "multiple" offense that Green is being groomed to run so you know Green must be quick with the draw. Green will graduate in December and presumably be in Lincoln in time for Spring ball. Pat Witt did that a couple of years back and it hasn't hurt him any. Rivals rates Green as the 10th best dual-threat QB (4*) and Scout has him as their 5th overall QB and gives him 5 stars. He seems like a good kid who should have a bright future with the Cornhuskers, but so did Josh Freeman, and Harrison Beck, and Curt Dukes, and Allan Evridge, and Carlyle Holiday, and Carl Crawford.

Wishlister: Gabe Lynn, CB. 6-1, 180lbs, Tulsa (Jenks), OK. Gabe Lynn has been on the sidelines of more Nebraska games in the past two years than any of us...ever. Gabe Lynn is also Phillard's half-brother. Gabe Lynn is a top-5 corner for the class of 09. The first two items on the list combined with number 3 equals a spot on this week's Wishlist. Lynn has stated that he wants to see playing time quickly and despite the logjam of young corners for NU, the Tunnel Walk believes Lynn has the talent to see playing time as a true freshman. That said, with this staff's restraint burning unnecessary redshirts (see: Compton, Will; Steinkuhler, Baker), anything can happen. Despite having somewhere in the range of 50 scholarship offers, the race for Lynn's signature on Signing Day really comes down to Nebraska and Oklahoma with OU in the lead. All along, Lynn has played the role of the uninterested when it comes to NU. This could either mean that he doesn't want his relationship with Phillard to block other schools from recruiting him or it could simply mean he just isn't that into NU.

Top 5 Pies of the Fall

1. Pumpkin
2. Baked peach (this is due to the delicious late-season Colorado peaches)
3. Pecan
4. Sour cream and raisin
5. Humble (which may come in the form of Missouri, Oklahoma, or both)

A Look Back at Excitednesses and Concerns

Dan Titchener. Tunnel Walk wanted him to be better than he has been. Averaging 38.6 yards per punt, Dan the Man only has to add about 8 yards to each of his boots in order to match the single season record. You can do it!
Bo Pelini. He's still undefeated as head coach of the University of Nebraska.
Khiry Cooper. Well, he's still on the team.
Walk-Ons. Unless you're related, you're a big, fat liar if you knew what jersey number Lance Thorell wore prior to the NMSU game. Many of his teammates don't even know his first name. Matt O'Hanlon (who was granted an extra year of eligibility earlier this year) and Hunter Teafatiller were each once walk-ons who've since earned scholies and they've done better than expected. Yay!
Ricky Redshirting Henry. Tunnel Walk believes it says volumes about the depth of the offensive line when a player that both coaches and players targeted as an impact player has the ability to utilize a redshirt year. Big ups to you, backup guards.
The Running Back Competition (Yet to be determined?). Tunnel Walk supposes this could go either way. Some will say that to truly establish a ground attack, a team must give it's lead horse enough carries to settle into a rhythm. Others (such as mythological dog Cerberus) say, "Three heads are better than one."
Prognosticators' Optimism. This has nearly gotten out of hand. Not that many expected NU to be anything less than 3-0 entering Saturday's matchup with VaTech., but the amount of sunshine being blown needs to be paused until at least next Sunday.
Lack of DT Depth. What did Tunnel Walk say about Jared Crick? And to be fair, what did Tunnel Walk say about Ndamukong Suh and Ty Steinkuhler? Following a season in which both Suh and Steinkuhler were at best just whelming, each have been auditioning for Guns of the Navarone: The New Class.



Where are You Now, Thunder Collins?

Labels: Nebraska Football, peaches, Sports Wagering, The Tunnel Walk

Sweet Lord, it's already Game Day Eve? These shortened weeks always affect people, even The Tunnel Walk. Thankfully, it is just San Jose State, so we should be able to do this on short notice.

(Wait, you're telling me that San Jose State isn't worried about coming into Lincoln? They're using this to soften their schedule? We should take this seriously? I guess we'll get to this later.)

Ghostbusters: The Husker Edition

This is admittedly just an excuse to geek out about Ghostbusters 3 reportedly being in development (being written by writers for The Office, and starring the original cast plus the Judd Apatow/Seth Rogen crew! Hot damn!), but we thought we could break down the Huskers--thus far--by way of Ghostbuster quotes.

"I'm gonna take back some of the things I said about you, Egon. [pulls out candy bar] You... You've earned it." - Dr. Peter Venkman

This honor is bestowed upon running back-turned-linebacker Cody Glenn. Even some commentors on this very blog voiced concern about Glenn actually being a viable candidate to play this year, let alone start. All Big Cody does is come out and contributes 12 tackles and 3 pass break ups to the cause. Yes, it was against Western Michigan. But Glenn, for the most part, looked like the most active and perhaps most athletic player on the field for either team. Here's to hoping the Education of Cody Glenn continues against the Trojans, er, Spartans.

"I feel like the floor of a taxi cab." - Dr. Egon Spangler

The Recruit Files

Already Committed: Dontrayevous "Tray" Robinson, RB. 6-1, 215lbs. Euless (TX) Trinity. Robinson is a big back in the mold of recent Huskers Cody Glenn and Quentin Castille. Oh yeah, he plays on the No. 1 ranked high school team in the nation. Suffice it to say, Tray plays against some decent competition. Robinson, along with his teammate DT Siosaia Tuipulotu, will be visiting Tom Osborne Field at Memorial Stadium as the SJSU Fightin' Dick Tomeys come to town. Robinson scored 2 TDs in his team's opener. He has prototypical size, but probably lacks the home run potential. Very solid commit for the Big Red.

Wishlister: Kraig Appleton, WR. 6-3, 190lbs. East St. Louis (MO) East St. Louis. Ranked by Rivals as its No. 11 WR, Appleton is the type of WR (4-star, St. Louis product) that The Tunnel Walk had hoped current Husker Chris Brooks to be. Appleton still lists all of his suitors, including NU, as Medium interest, but wethinks the Huskers' chances are considerably less than that. Marvin Sanders is the lead recruiter for Appleton. While he isn't mentioned in the same breath for his recruiting prowess as say Tim Beck or Mike Ekeler, it will be interesting to see what Marvin can come up with on Appleton.

Where Are You Now, Clint Finley?

The last time The Tunnel Walk saw Clint Finley in person, it was in the Astronomy 103 Final with Dr. Martin Gaskell. That was also the only time The Tunnel Walk saw Clint Finley in person, at least that close. Originally recruited as an option QB, Finley developed into a more than serviceable safety for the Huskers. In fact, ol' Clint was a four-year letterman from 1997-2000. Hailing from Cuero, Texas (home of the elusive chupacabra), Finley went on to play for the Kansas City Chiefs from 2002-2003, amassing one career tackle. Finley resurfaced with the Dallas Cowboys' practice squad for two months during the summer of 2005. Clint Finley's younger brother, Joe Jon Finley, played collegiately for Oklahoma as a TE and that angered The Tunnel Walk. It could be said that the Fighting Finley Football brothers did alright for themselves, but it could also be argued that these Finley brothers are the most successful Finleys of them all. The Tunnel Walk's extensive research found nothing on the current whereabouts of Clint Finley. We sincerely hope he is in the BBQ business or owns a chain of classy car washes.

"You know who you look like..."
This week it's NU placekicker Alex Henery and the guy from Back to School. Henery went to high school at Omaha's Harry Burke High School. This guy, named Keith Gordon was a high school geek named Arnie in the 1983 Stephen King thriller, Christine. Then, he gets to rock in The Legend of Billie Jean with Christian Slater. And if that's not enough, he rounds out the resume by playing Rodney Dangerfield's son in the classic coming of age tale, Back to School.

Captain Profiles
Speaking of Alex Henery, he gets the special teams nod for captain this week. The Tunnel Walk believes it has something to do with the fact he hit a career-long 44-yard field goal and then duplicated it three more times.
Being named by the coaching staff as the Defensive Player of the Week earned Ty Steinkuhler the nod for this week's captainship. He led an inspired defensive front four with 8 tackles himself while the unit garnered 4 sacks. Keep in mind that the entire Nebraska defensive accumulated 13 all of last year.
All Nate Swift did to earn his C was catch 5 balls for 121 yards and two touchdowns (one of which was a 61-yarder. So much for the lack of a deep threat.). With his efforts against Western Michigan, Swift moved into a tie for second place with Irving Fryar on the all-time 100-yard games list. He is five behind The Jet, so it's not outlandish to see him dethrone Rodgers. Swift needs just three more TD receptions to land at No. 2 on the all-time list and 35 more receptions to take the lead on that list.
Todd Peterson is from Grand Island, Nebraska. He plays wide receiver for Nebraska and is of above average height and athletic ability. This makes him a good choice for captain.

Locks of the Week (YTD 2-1)

Cincinnati +21.5 over OKLAHOMA
Central Michigan +24 over GEORGIA
WAKE FOREST -7 over Ole Miss
KANSAS -20.5 over La Tech

(These picks are dedicated to EZT, who could use some tough love after a dismal performance last week. Let these get you back on the horse, EZT!)

Real or Fake Bars?

1. The Crow Bar, Mason City, NE
2. Sweaty Betty’s, Boelus, NE
3. Nightcrawler’s, Worms, NE
4. The Shady Lady, Stapleton, NE
5. The Catch Pen, Hyannis, NE
6. The Rusty Rooster, Yutan, NE
Answers: 1. Real 2. Fake-The Golden Nugget is in Boelus 3. Real (and awesome) 4. Fake, but used to be real 5. Fake, but that’s what I would name a bar in Hyannis 6. See picture at right

Maybe we can finally answer the question: What is a Hawkeye?

The Tunnel Walk enjoys Chris Fowler’s weekly college football round-up tremendously. This week, Chris discussed five non-conference, neutral-site matchups he would like to see played annually. Among the five was Nebraska-Iowa in Kansas City. The Tunnel Walk finds it extremely appropriate that this subject was tackled during the week our beloved ‘Skers take on San Jose State.

We advocate hopping on this bandwagon immediately. Not only would it give The Tunnel Walk another chance to make fun of our neighbors to the east on an annual basis, it would be a great 2nd week of the season game for presumably the rest of our lives. Now is most likely not the time to get this done, as The Tunnel Walk predicts that Iowa will not only not have a football coach by the end of this season, they may not have a football program at the rate they are going. As it is, though, it’s a natural geographic rivalry with no downside for either program.

All of this fails to consider the extreme coolness of playing an annual game in Arrowhead Stadium, which is always a great time. Let’s do this, Iowa!

Top 5 Things to Do at Memorial Stadium During a Blowout

1. Find a portly gentleman surrounding you (no small feat in Memorial Stadium), and challenge him to a Fairbury-eating contest

2. Wager on how many people will be carried out on stretchers during the game

3. Guess how long Nebraska has been using those ugly, brown chair-seat things? (Our guess: since 1961)

4. Try and figure out what the hell is going on with this year’s cheerleading uniforms

5. Tell someone to sit down

Drinking and the A.M. kickoff

A dangerous combination, to be sure. Nothing can be less enjoyable than the early-morning puke followed by the 3 o’clock pass out followed by the 8 p.m. hangover. To avoid such a fate, The Tunnel Walk recommends you plan your day like this:

7-8: One or two bloody marys to get a quick buzz
8-11: Red beers! Nurse that buzz into a solid, but not extreme, inebriation
11-3: Sober up at the game, and make sure to get a Runza or Valentino’s or both
3-7: Go watch some football at a sports bar and have about five pints of domestic
7-8: Amigo’s and quiet reflection. See also: water
8-??: The world is your oyster, buddy

This Week’s Dorothy Lynch-capade

Tater tots. That’s right, suckas, The Tunnel Walk knows that fried potatoes and the orange yummie are the peas and carrots of the trans-fat world. Dip these fried nuggets of bliss into the deep orange ocean of love and St. Valentine himself will blush.

The Tunnel Walk always finds it inspiring when people are actually doing what they are put on this planet to do, such as Michael Jordan and basketball, Genghis Khan at ruling empires, and Dustin Diamond at being a douchenozzle. To this, we salute tater tots being dipped in Dorothy Lynch, like they were born to do.

Prediction Time

The Tunnel Walk feels strongly that Nebraska has better football players than San Jose State. All this talk about the spread offense is irrelevant if you have players running the plays in clownshoes. The Spartans are overmatched by the Huskers, no matter what question marks remain. Callahan and Cosgrove would not lose to San Jose State; they would probably win by around 6.

Look for Nebraska’s defense to fool everyone into thinking they are a lot better than they actually are, and for the offense to remain strong. We also predict a Niles Paul punt return for a touchdown.

Nebraska 55, San Jose State 6

Enjoy the game at a cost of $29.95.

The Tunnel Walk encourages our NFL fans to look forward to Heavy Soul's own Prickly Pete the Prognosticator's NFL Picks of The Week coming this Wednesday. As a preview, here's what The Tunnel Walk would guess he would pick:

New England over the Chiefs. Saints over Tampa Bay. Philly over the Rams.

From The Tunnel Walk, Hail Varsity.

Labels: Nebraska Football, The Tunnel Walk

Whooooaaaa, momma! 10 days from Opening Kickoff at Memorial Stadium! Good Lord, it has snuck up on us, hasn't it? I mean, it seems like Spring Ball was just last week.

With that said, we're planning on some pre-kickoff coverage here soon. Look forward to the return of The Tunnel Walk, plus some other goodies that we're (hopefully) working on.

Goooooooooo Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggg Reeeeeeeedddddddd!

Labels: Nebraska Cornhuskers, Nebraska Football, Nebraska Head Coach Bo Pelini, The Tunnel Walk

Here it is, Husker fans: where the hype hits the field for the annual Red and White Spring Game.

As you can tell from this blog and other media sources across The Good Life, the excitement for new head coach Bo Pelini is at fever pitch. The same can be said for the Spring Game: with a sell-out and tickets going for $85 at Ticket Express, it's safe to say that people are kind of fired up.

(Side note: Tunnel Walk gives an enthusiastic two middle fingers up to Ticket Express. Don't use them.)

Also with much hype comes...The Tunnel Walk! We know how excited Husker fans get waiting for us to put out the newest edition of The Walk, so the wait is over.

And because the Spring Game is just a glorified practice, we're treating The Tunnel Walk in the same fashion. So temper your expectations, and here we go....

Kickoff Classics: Start Me Up vs. Crazy Train

Assuming you make it into the stadium for kickoff, which can admittedly be daunting, especially if the game starts before noon or after six, either The Rolling Stones’ last big hit ‘Start Me Up’ or Ozzy Osbourne’s ‘Crazy Train’ will be blaring for some 165-pound orphan to put his boot to the leather prior to kickoff.

While both are seemingly appropriate for such malnourished foot-to-football contact, The Tunnel Walk feels that a tale of the tape needs to be done in order to establish The Official Tunnel Walk Kickoff Anthem.

Motivational Purpose (fans): Start Me Up seems to be approachable for the octogenerarians, and of course the boomers in the stands love the Stones. Crazy Train motivates people to hang themselves. Advantage: Start Me Up

Motivational Purpose (special teamers): The Tunnel Walk seems to feel that most special teamers would be fired up if Enya was played prior to the kickoff, but thankfully for everyone involved it’s not. For sheer make-you-wanna-run-through-a-wall-ability, we gotta give it to The Dark Prince. Advantage: Crazy Train

Guitar Skills: This is not a slight to Keith Richards in the least, as the Tunnel Walk is a huge fan of his licks, particularly on “Tumbling Dice”, “Honkey Tonk Woman”, and “Can’t You Hear Me Knocking”, but guitarist Randy Rhoads was on the fast track to becoming the greatest metal guitarist in history before he died in a plane crash. Crazy Train is his swan song and signature riff, while Start Me Up is maybe in the top 20 of best Stones’ guitar songs. Advantage: Crazy Train

Extracurricular Activities of Artists: Ozzy Osbourne once bit the head off of a bat, pissed on the Alamo, snorted ants for the hell of it, and tried to kill his wife. All this and he still had time to father two of the most annoying children on the planet. But then there is Keith Richards, who snorted his dad’s ashes, has been banned from entire countries numerous times, arrested for drugs more times than Robert Downey Jr., and fallen out of a tree that he was sitting in for no apparent reason. Throw in the rest of the Stones, and this one is probably no contest. Advantage: Start Me Up

Careers: Ozzy was in Black Sabbath and a bunch of solo stuff, and also had a very popular reality show. The Stones are the fucking Stones. Advantage: Start Me Up

Most Effective at Psyching Opponents Out: Start Me Up kind of fires people up in a non-menacing way, like ‘Pump up the Jam’ without the Techno or ‘Rock and Roll, Part II’ without the pedophilia. Crazy Train tells opponents that their kick returner will be decapitated. Big Advantage: Crazy Train

Originality: Start Me Up gets played at practically every sporting event, and while Crazy Train is hardly obscure, after all, it has been covered (and well) by Tom Jones, The Tunnel Walk feels a little less pervasive. Advantage: Crazy Train

So there you, have it, by a slim 4-3 margin, your winner of the Kickoff Classic: Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne, which would certainly get Tom Osborne’s approval.

Top 5 Beers of Spring

1. Sam Adams Boston Lager
2. Blue Moon
3. Old Style
4. Busch Light (perfect for grilling)
5. O’Douls (because Spring is the perfect time to quit drinking, you know, if you were so inclined.
6. Bonus: Top snack of Spring: Cheetos with hot sauce. Seriously.

Other Spring Position Changes of Note, besides Cody Glenn

1. Greg Sharpe to really good play by play guy
2. Steve Pederson to antichrist
3. Iowa State to official Big 12 doormat, replacing Baylor
4. Danny Woodhead to NFL
5. Coach Mike Anderson from also-ran to semi-god of Haymarket Park

Rosey, Don’t Let The Door Hit You In The Ass On The Way Out

Ah, spring. Hope springs eternal, does it not? Indeed.

There’s a lots of reasons for optimism this Husker season. Gone are the no-looking-back-while-defending-the-pass-while-playing-roughly-80-pounds-overweight defense. Gone is Bill Callahan and his inability to fire up a meth head hopped up on a case of Red Bull (and his “too complicated for you!” shit attitude). Gone are Steve Pederson and his North Platte-rep-killing.

This all should be enough. However, there’s one extra treat for you, Husker fan: no more Jim Rose.

Jim Rose and his own special brand of complete insanity and lunacy can be found on 1110 KFAB on their “Good Morning Show.” Thankfully, it will not be gracing the broadcast booth at Memorial Stadium.

In fact, the only thing that concerned us about Rose “leaving” the booth was that the hilarious skits on Unsportsmanlike Conduct would fade away. Well, they haven’t. It’s literally the best of both worlds-situation here, folks.

We were going to do some more on this part of the Tunnel Walk; however, upon beginning to fire up the ol’ Google, we found this. This is the home page for one Jim Rose, who lives in Wickford, RI. It might tip the unintentional comedy scale all the way past 10. It will take you about 3 minutes to look at everything on his site, so make sure to do so. You’ll be happy you did.

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, Adrian Fiala!

Prediction

Prediction time! Considering it is impossible to predict the final score of a inter-squad practice, we will say this: Tunnel Walk is a pretty big fan of Coach Pelini splitting the teams up equally. It should be a lot of fun to watch, and we think there will be a lot of pent up aggressiveness on display after 4 years of Cosgrove systematically ripping these players' will to live away.

So who wins? You, Husker fan. Enjoy watching your beloved Cornhuskers take the field with some pride once again.

See you in the fall.

Labels: Bo Pelini, Nebraska Cornhuskers, Nebraska Football, Spring Game, The Tunnel Walk

Fire up the KRVN, Nebraska, because it's time for a special turn-back-the-clock edition of the tunnel walk in honor of the radio broadcast of Iowa State (traditional Big 8 foe) this week. In this edition you will see several mentions of Nebraska football and drinking without the words Kevin Cosgrove ever appearing past this point. Well, maybe once.

But mainly we are merely trying to get over last week, as it seems most fans are. Our lasting concern does not lie with the fans or the players, but rather with the coaches, who are not acting with any urgency whatsoever after the loss. Are they remaining calm in the face of stormy weather, or are they simply oblivious? Something tells us a dismantling of the Cyclones will go a long way in answering that question.

The Tunnel Walk was concerned last week after, well, The Tunnel Walk. There was no real emotion on the sidelines or the stands. The Huskers need to stop making excuses and start playing with some urgency. The opponents do not get much easier. The Tunnel Walk feels that the players need to bring back the classic dogpile to start the game, now curiously absent from the pregame pomp. The Tunnel Walk will now turn briefly schizophrenic in order to discuss last weekend's ramifications:

POINT: How long until the debut of Callahan’s autobiography, “Our Goals are Still Intact”?

The Tunnel Walk feels that the subjective nature of college football is exaggerated. If you are in a BCS conference and you win all of your games, you are most likely going to play for the final prize on the week after New Year’s Day bowl game of the year. Very few teams make it through the entire year without a scare, and teams that merely win their games do not suffer in the long run. A high-profile program such as Nebraska would not be the exception to this rule.

Are we happy that Ball State should have beaten us at home? No. But at the end of the season, our record will not reflect anything but a win. The loss cost us a few spots in the polls, but these are relatively insignificant on the heels of the loss to USC, which cost us considerably more. Even the voters grasp that wins against mediocre teams are more valuable than losses to the best teams.

Bill Callahan’s NFL background has been spoken of to no end, but his philosophy of getting victories, no matter how grotesque, is not as blasphemous as most would have you believe. While this may not be true for certain coordinators from who sport awful glasses on the sidelines, a head coach is mostly judged by his record. Ball State counts as a win.

The Huskers, at this point, SHOULD celebrate every win, because frankly, they are not coming as easily as they used to. Our goals are still intact.

COUNTERPOINT: Is a win really a win? No, Goddamn It, And Quit Whining.

Are we in fucking Kindergarten here? "It doesn't matter who wins or loses, it's how you play the game." That is the mantra for losers.

As Christian Peter would tell you, "this is Nebraska." And he's right, damn it. You've got 85,000 fans, playing Ball fucking State, and you give up 600 yards of offense? How, on any level imaginable, is this acceptable?

And don't think Husker fans are the only people noticing--the national media is, too. In today's Seattle Times, the college football notes article has a headline of "Cornhuskers Hear Catcalls." The first sentence of the article says "The Nebraska Cornhuskers are feeling unloved," then follows with this Corey McKeon quote:

"This is the first time in my career that we haven't had the support," senior linebacker Corey McKeon said Tuesday. "It's hard enough to win ball games in today's college football."

Tunnel Walk wants to know this: would ANY player from the Devaney/Osborne/Solich era EVER think of uttering a quote like this? No. NO! You know why? Because they weren't pussies. They didn't blame the fans, they didn't blame the other team's offensive game plan, they'd blame themselves for making Nebraska look bad. Those guys had so much Nebraska Pride that they shitted it after a trip to the training table.

These guys we have now? They say things like "I don't care if we would have given up 1,200 yards to [Ball State], because we won." That's great, Cory. Way to care about what you do.

A game like that--and quotes like that following said game--allow one ringing adjective to shine through to anyone paying attention: soft. The Huskers--especially on defense--are incredibly soft. There is no fire, no passion, no pride, no...nothing. And, season by season under the leadership of Cosgrove and Callahan, Nebraska loses any kind of traditional intimidation and luster they have ever had. And the Ball State game was the crown jewel.

So, there you have it. A win is a win...except when you give up 600 yards to a team from the arguably worst football conference in America, who hasn't had a winning season since 1996, and you're AT HOME DOING IT!

BAGS

After racing home from the debacle that was the David Letterman U. game at halftime, we headed down to Beer and Loathing in Dundee to catch the second half (don't ask why The Tunnel Walk left the game early...long story). Between the drive and the stress-induced headache from our defensive play and listening to Jim Rome for 40 minutes, Tunnel Walk needed a release. This came in two forms:

1. Busch Light.
2. Bags.

For the uninitiated, Bags is a video game in the same mold as Golden Tee and Silver Strike Bowling, only the game is...Bags. As in the game of Bags (or, as we prefer it, Cornhole), only a video game version. We can already hear what you're thinking, dear reader--Tunnel Walk is funny AND clairvoyant!--"isn't Cornhole like, the easiest and laziest of all tailgate games? How can you turn that into a video game?" Well, we don't know who was the visionary that came up with the concept, nor the executive that was ballsy enough to sign off on the production of it, but they were right. It's as simple as picking your type of shot, the degree of the angle you want to throw it, bring the track ball back then roll it forward...BOOM! Three points.

Tunnel Walk could not recommend it enough, and is strongly considering putting down the $5K for our own.

Help wanted: Linebackers with souls, spines

It’s hard for The Tunnel Walk to decide which linebacker we are more disappointed in: Corey McKeon or Steve Octavien. Octavien has been the better player but apparently doesn’t care if fans come to the game or not, which he later, and rightfully, retracted, while McKeon has been a six year old on the field and a three year old off of it.

The Tunnel Walk acknowledges that these are amateur athletes, but also acknowledges that these amateurs want all of the perks of glory (which include, off the top of our head: ass, free drinks, free school, people who are in the program to literally make sure you stay academically eligible, and having an NCAA 2008 character that was built into the game, not added later-The Tunnel Walk incarnated itself as one excellent option quarterback) but when things are going poorly (see Ball State) want none of the criticism.

We feel that these guys both need to focus less on their feelings and more on tackling, then the applause will come. Nebraskans are a forgiving lot who will forget about last week if havoc is raised on Iowa State this week. On a somewhat related note, we are excited for the Phillip Dillard experience.

A Forgotten Era

The Tunnel Walk went to Amigos on 14th for pre-game breakfast before Ball State, and promptly had about 10 oz of ranch--and some tacos, too. This reminded the Tunnel Walk of those magical years where soft tacos and crisp meats were sold in Memorial Stadium. In honor of the turn-back-the-clock theme that is brought up approximately twice this week, The Tunnel Walk suggests Amigos be sold at Memorial Stadium again. If they are going to make us listen to the game on the fucking radio, it's a small bone to throw.

The Sandman Is Back, and Boy, Does He Sound Pissed

Speaking of recommendations, The Tunnel Walk could not possibly recommend Broderick Thomas' 22 minute rant on Unsportsmanlike Conduct on Wednesday enough. So stop what you're doing and click here. Then find "Sept. 26 Seg 4: Kevin and Mike'l With Broderick Thomas." Don't let the picture fool you: he's not a happy man. And if we were Steve Pederson, we would watch my back, because The Sandman is coming to put him to sleep!

We would also recommend listening to the segment before that one, titled "Sept. 26th Seg 2&3: Kevin and Mike'l's Blackshirt Roundtable." It is also really good, featuring a panel of Mike Minter, Christian Peter, Steve Warren, and Jerry Murtaugh. The highlight: when asked of Carrot Top McKeown's comments about the team not being excited and fired up at Tuesday's press conference, he said "you know what, he needs to walk off the team. We don't need guys like that on the team...honestly, I don't feel like talking about it. It's a disgrace. Playing against a Division III team giving up 40 points? Don't you guys have any pride?" You can't buy soundbites that good, friends.

Haven't I Seen You Before?

Enough about last week--to the task at hand, being Iowa State. Again.

Why do we say "again?" Because Tunnel Walk swears to Christ these guys have been around since we were in college. Todd Blythe? Really? We're pretty sure this guy is 28 now. Alvin Bowen? We would hope you could lead the nation in tackles per game when you've got 5 years on everyone else on the field.

*Side note: Look at ISU's depth chart here. It is awesome, because it has little tidbits on some of the players, like how G Tom Schmeling's "Related to German boxer Max Schmeling." Or Deep Snapper Matt Purvis, who "started deep snapping in back yard at age eight." What?? Come on...we could not make up comedy like this.*

So this got us thinking: who else feels like they've been around for freaking ever? The list:

Aleks Maric
Don Rickles
Major Applewhite
Dick Enberg
Cliff Robinson
Clinton Childs

Speaking of Todd Blythe...

Top 5 Best Nebraska Receivers Since 1990 (White):

1. Tom Beveredge
2. Jack O'Holleran
3. Todd Peterson (you can't really be surprised by this pick, can you? It's Tunnel Walk's cousin!)
4. Matt Herian (um, well, before the whole...leg thing. And yes, we know he's a tight end.)
5. Eric Crouch

What are the Fucking Odds (WATFO)?
It was brought to our attention as early as Wednesday that Ball State’s next opponent is…Buffalo. While The Tunnel Walk has no clue how the hell this happened, we nonetheless thank the football gods. Not the Buffalo Bills, who would lose to Ball State, but the Buffalo Braves and their head coach Turner Gill. Although Buffalo is not expected to win, all hell would break lose if they do, which would please The Tunnel Walk to no end.

What we do know is that Husker fans pay attention to this kind of thing, and if that score is any better than 41-40, shit will hit fans from Chadron to Rulo. Stay tuned.

In Defense Of...Halftime Beers
It's a question that Tunnel Walk finds itself asked every home game Saturday: "you wanna meet up at halftime?"

There's usually no debate here, our answer always being "Where?" and all (and yes, we're aware that we sometimes answer questions with another question, and that can be really annoying). But it is a debate for Husker fans. "Do we want to go get a beer at halftime?" It's a question that is wrestled with by roughly 70,000 people eight or nine times a year. Well, Tunnel Walk is here to help you process the decision with a little section we like to call:

"Why You Absolutely Should Get Beers At Halftime"

First, we have to establish two constants:

1. Beer is awesome.
2. Husker fans are awesome.

Now that that's established, it is actually quite easy to find a logical path to Barry's or Cliff's or your tailgate at half:

1. You are a Husker fan.
2. Husker fans are awesome, and do awesome things.
3. Beer is awesome.

Therefore, you, in order to be awesome (because you're a Husker fan), it is your duty to find something awesome to do to maintain your rep. Drinking beer fits this category.Thus, halftime beers it is.

Counterpoint: Halftime is not long enough to add to your drunkeness, but the rest of the night is

Halftime beers are either stupid or a myth, but they are not a good idea. By the time you get the hell out of the stadium and get to a place with beer, it's time to go back. Basically, you go to the parking lot or Cliffs, slam whatever is handed to you, and then a decision has to be made. Does our hero:

a. Make the trek back to your assigned seat in Memorial Stadium and brace for headache that comes from slamming one or two drinks after two hours since pregame drinking, or

b. Stay at the bar and start slow, yet enjoyable, progress towards an awful Sunday morning?

So this "halftime beers" we speak of is not a reality. If you return to the game, you are most likely missing most of the third quarter and therefore these beers have become "halftime and third quarter" beers. Which will not be enough to get you drunk and ultimately lead to an awful second half of football with the onset of a hangover. And if you do not return to the game, you made the decision to watch one half of football and go get wasted.

And The Tunnel Walk is fine with that. It's your ticket, your money, and your liver. Just don't blame halftime beers, you knew what you were getting into, you drunk asshole.

Fire up the Victrola

2007. Wanted to make sure that everyone, including Steve Pederson, knew what year it is. So why are we unable to watch this week's game game on television, an invention that has been prevalent for more than 50 years?

Philo Farnsworth, who is credited with inventing the first electronic television in 1927, would be ashamed at the state of Nebraska for not pulling the trigger on a TV broadcast. HuskerVision is essentially its own TV network and, as evidenced in past seasons, fully capable of broadcasting a game on its own for Pay Per View.

The Tunnel Walk feels that more views would have been willing to shell out for Iowa State as opposed to Ball State, so financial excuses be damned. If this is a conspiracy to get people to listen to the radio broadcast, then they win, but begrudgingly so.

After all, Jim Rose will be acting as our eyes, although we'd prefer Ray Charles. We know he's dead, but The Tunnel Walk stands by our choice.

Top 5 Ways to Kill Time while Listening to Game on Radio

1. Operate combine during corn harvest
2. Take a bath
3. If taking a bath and game or Jim Rose invokes suicidal rage, place radio in tub beside you
4. Eat something with Dorothy Lynch on it
5. Formulate answers for "guess the coachspeak cliche" before postgame press conference

Do not attend a Nebraska game if:

...you are wearing a shirt with a Confederate flag on it, and not named Larry The Cable Guy. Actually he should lose it as well.

Locks of the Week (Year to date: 4-1)

WISCONSIN (-7.5) over Mich St
Colorado St (+10) over TCU
Air Force (+2.5) over NAVY
TEXAS A&M (-16.5) over Baylor

Half-assed prediction time

To us, this looks like a pretty good game to get some mojo back. If this team doesn't fire it up now, it's not going to happen this season. They've been hearing about how terrible they are all week, and if there is ever a time to get angry, it's probably now. The coaches do not sound angry enough, which is of some concern.

That said, The Tunnel Walk is taking an optimistic turn for the prediction. Iowa State is fucking horrible, and we don't need a defense to destroy them. I predict they get one or two big plays, but other than that, it's all Skers, all the time. Nebraska wins and covers the spread.

Nebraska 49, Iowa State, 20

Tune in next week when hopefully the North championship is still an option.

From The Tunnel Walk, Hail Varsity.

Labels: Iowa State Football, Its 2007 Steve Pederson, Nebraska Football, The Tunnel Walk

Welcome to the Week Four edition of The Tunnel Walk. Contained herein, there will be no more than three paragraphs devoted to TJ Simers, but there will be several mentions of last week, where the Nebraska Cornhuskers did not allow themselves to slip into mediocrity. Actually, not much more needs to be said.
Your mainstream news sources have been all over it. Unsportsmanlike Conduct, Matt Perrault, Tom Shatel, Lee Barfknecht (note, we have no idea if we spelled his name correctly, and we refuse to check. This guy needs a stage name. Leave an idea in the comments section or else The Barfman wins) and others have basically said what needs to be said about the unacceptable home loss to the Trojans. We will put it at succinctly as possible: the Huskers are not back, but:

Thankfully, an emphatic beatdown will happen Saturday:
Ball State is not going to win in Lincoln. That’s not to say they are a bad team. Presumably, they have a solid quarterback, a good tight end, and an NFL level punter who will hopefully be on the field a lot. We wouldn’t be surprised to see them hang with the Big Red for at least the first quarter, and possibly the first half. We will get to the predictions later, but we don’t think we’re sparing you any drama down the road by saying the Skers will fucking beat Testicle Tech.

"Practice in game-like conditions? Who wants to do that?"

This week came the revelation that our Huskers have not practiced in full pads since training camp.

When you put on full pads, you get a little bit more cutting, a little bit more lower body work, but when you're in half pads, you can get just as much done. Every pro team in the NFL practices in half a pack. - Bill Callahan

"When you put on full pads, you get a little more cutting, a little bit more lower body work..." Um, and hitting, and having to put moves on people, and blocking, and practicing AS THOUGH IT WERE A GAME!

Jesus jumpin' Jahova Christ, are you serious, Bill? We are about to play the most physically imposing team in the country--not to mention fastest--and you don't practice in a game-situation scrimmage? Not once? Not even for, like, 15 minutes?

We will tell you that--while we never played college football--going "half pack" (aside: Tunnel Walk thinks it is safe to say that Callahan is a robot, right? A football jargon spitting robot programmed to show little emotion and answer questions in ways humans never would?) absolutely DOES NOT get as much done as going full pads. When a coach says to you "shoulder pads and helmets today," your brain says "hell yeah, easy practice today!" Period. And speaking to a former Husker, he was STUNNED to hear this story. He said they would go balls out 2 or 3 times a week.

We don't know. We guess reading quotes like this makes everyone in the state of Nebraska say in unison "IT'S NOT AN NFL TEAM, BILL!"

Voices From The Grandstand

One of our favorite features in the OWH Sports section. Letters to the (sports) editor! You can go here to read them, but to save you time, we will give you two examples of the typical VFTG letter:

"Sure, we got throttled at home by USC. The holes their running backs could run through were a bit problematic. Watching our guys on defense play like they are a high school football team is slightly off-putting. But the only thing here to be embarrassed by is our so-called 'fans.' Who do they think they are to publicly criticize them? They're just kids! If you have to criticize our players and our wonderful robot coaches, you should just keep it to yourself. Or do it very quitely and rationally at home, after the kids go to bed, after they have done their class reading, finished eating their roast and apple pie, around 7:30 pm." - Dawn Pavelka, Ashland

"ARRRRRRGGGGGGGG!! Thanks a lot, Steve Pederson! I thought we were going to win at least one National Championship a year with this new coaching staff! Now just another team! Pederson, Callahan, Cosgrove, and Harvy Perlman [sic] need to be fired now!" - Biff Pitner, Cozad

Labels: Nebraska, Nebraska Football, The Tunnel Walk