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Friday, September 05, 2008

The Tunnel Walk: Vol. II, Issue II: San Jose State

Sweet Lord, it's already Game Day Eve? These shortened weeks always affect people, even The Tunnel Walk. Thankfully, it is just San Jose State, so we should be able to do this on short notice.

(Wait, you're telling me that San Jose State isn't worried about coming into Lincoln? They're using this to soften their schedule? We should take this seriously? I guess we'll get to this later.)

Ghostbusters: The Husker Edition

This is admittedly just an excuse to geek out about Ghostbusters 3 reportedly being in development (being written by writers for The Office, and starring the original cast plus the Judd Apatow/Seth Rogen crew! Hot damn!), but we thought we could break down the Huskers--thus far--by way of Ghostbuster quotes.

"I'm gonna take back some of the things I said about you, Egon. [pulls out candy bar] You... You've earned it." - Dr. Peter Venkman

This honor is bestowed upon running back-turned-linebacker Cody Glenn. Even some commentors on this very blog voiced concern about Glenn actually being a viable candidate to play this year, let alone start. All Big Cody does is come out and contributes 12 tackles and 3 pass break ups to the cause. Yes, it was against Western Michigan. But Glenn, for the most part, looked like the most active and perhaps most athletic player on the field for either team. Here's to hoping the Education of Cody Glenn continues against the Trojans, er, Spartans.

"I feel like the floor of a taxi cab." - Dr. Egon Spangler

The Recruit Files

Already Committed: Dontrayevous "Tray" Robinson, RB. 6-1, 215lbs. Euless (TX) Trinity. Robinson is a big back in the mold of recent Huskers Cody Glenn and Quentin Castille. Oh yeah, he plays on the No. 1 ranked high school team in the nation. Suffice it to say, Tray plays against some decent competition. Robinson, along with his teammate DT Siosaia Tuipulotu, will be visiting Tom Osborne Field at Memorial Stadium as the SJSU Fightin' Dick Tomeys come to town. Robinson scored 2 TDs in his team's opener. He has prototypical size, but probably lacks the home run potential. Very solid commit for the Big Red.

Wishlister: Kraig Appleton, WR. 6-3, 190lbs. East St. Louis (MO) East St. Louis. Ranked by Rivals as its No. 11 WR, Appleton is the type of WR (4-star, St. Louis product) that The Tunnel Walk had hoped current Husker Chris Brooks to be. Appleton still lists all of his suitors, including NU, as Medium interest, but wethinks the Huskers' chances are considerably less than that. Marvin Sanders is the lead recruiter for Appleton. While he isn't mentioned in the same breath for his recruiting prowess as say Tim Beck or Mike Ekeler, it will be interesting to see what Marvin can come up with on Appleton.

Where Are You Now, Clint Finley?

The last time The Tunnel Walk saw Clint Finley in person, it was in the Astronomy 103 Final with Dr. Martin Gaskell. That was also the only time The Tunnel Walk saw Clint Finley in person, at least that close. Originally recruited as an option QB, Finley developed into a more than serviceable safety for the Huskers. In fact, ol' Clint was a four-year letterman from 1997-2000. Hailing from Cuero, Texas (home of the elusive chupacabra), Finley went on to play for the Kansas City Chiefs from 2002-2003, amassing one career tackle. Finley resurfaced with the Dallas Cowboys' practice squad for two months during the summer of 2005. Clint Finley's younger brother, Joe Jon Finley, played collegiately for Oklahoma as a TE and that angered The Tunnel Walk. It could be said that the Fighting Finley Football brothers did alright for themselves, but it could also be argued that these Finley brothers are the most successful Finleys of them all. The Tunnel Walk's extensive research found nothing on the current whereabouts of Clint Finley. We sincerely hope he is in the BBQ business or owns a chain of classy car washes.

"You know who you look like..."
This week it's NU placekicker Alex Henery and the guy from Back to School. Henery went to high school at Omaha's Harry Burke High School. This guy, named Keith Gordon was a high school geek named Arnie in the 1983 Stephen King thriller, Christine. Then, he gets to rock in The Legend of Billie Jean with Christian Slater. And if that's not enough, he rounds out the resume by playing Rodney Dangerfield's son in the classic coming of age tale, Back to School.

Captain Profiles
Speaking of Alex Henery, he gets the special teams nod for captain this week. The Tunnel Walk believes it has something to do with the fact he hit a career-long 44-yard field goal and then duplicated it three more times.
Being named by the coaching staff as the Defensive Player of the Week earned Ty Steinkuhler the nod for this week's captainship. He led an inspired defensive front four with 8 tackles himself while the unit garnered 4 sacks. Keep in mind that the entire Nebraska defensive accumulated 13 all of last year.
All Nate Swift did to earn his C was catch 5 balls for 121 yards and two touchdowns (one of which was a 61-yarder. So much for the lack of a deep threat.). With his efforts against Western Michigan, Swift moved into a tie for second place with Irving Fryar on the all-time 100-yard games list. He is five behind The Jet, so it's not outlandish to see him dethrone Rodgers. Swift needs just three more TD receptions to land at No. 2 on the all-time list and 35 more receptions to take the lead on that list.
Todd Peterson is from Grand Island, Nebraska. He plays wide receiver for Nebraska and is of above average height and athletic ability. This makes him a good choice for captain.

Locks of the Week (YTD 2-1)

Cincinnati +21.5 over OKLAHOMA
Central Michigan +24 over GEORGIA
WAKE FOREST -7 over Ole Miss
KANSAS -20.5 over La Tech

(These picks are dedicated to EZT, who could use some tough love after a dismal performance last week. Let these get you back on the horse, EZT!)

Real or Fake Bars?

1. The Crow Bar, Mason City, NE
2. Sweaty Betty’s, Boelus, NE
3. Nightcrawler’s, Worms, NE
4. The Shady Lady, Stapleton, NE
5. The Catch Pen, Hyannis, NE
6. The Rusty Rooster, Yutan, NE
Answers: 1. Real 2. Fake-The Golden Nugget is in Boelus 3. Real (and awesome) 4. Fake, but used to be real 5. Fake, but that’s what I would name a bar in Hyannis 6. See picture at right

Maybe we can finally answer the question: What is a Hawkeye?

The Tunnel Walk enjoys Chris Fowler’s weekly college football round-up tremendously. This week, Chris discussed five non-conference, neutral-site matchups he would like to see played annually. Among the five was Nebraska-Iowa in Kansas City. The Tunnel Walk finds it extremely appropriate that this subject was tackled during the week our beloved ‘Skers take on San Jose State.

We advocate hopping on this bandwagon immediately. Not only would it give The Tunnel Walk another chance to make fun of our neighbors to the east on an annual basis, it would be a great 2nd week of the season game for presumably the rest of our lives. Now is most likely not the time to get this done, as The Tunnel Walk predicts that Iowa will not only not have a football coach by the end of this season, they may not have a football program at the rate they are going. As it is, though, it’s a natural geographic rivalry with no downside for either program.

All of this fails to consider the extreme coolness of playing an annual game in Arrowhead Stadium, which is always a great time. Let’s do this, Iowa!

Top 5 Things to Do at Memorial Stadium During a Blowout

1. Find a portly gentleman surrounding you (no small feat in Memorial Stadium), and challenge him to a Fairbury-eating contest

2. Wager on how many people will be carried out on stretchers during the game

3. Guess how long Nebraska has been using those ugly, brown chair-seat things? (Our guess: since 1961)

4. Try and figure out what the hell is going on with this year’s cheerleading uniforms

5. Tell someone to sit down

Drinking and the A.M. kickoff

A dangerous combination, to be sure. Nothing can be less enjoyable than the early-morning puke followed by the 3 o’clock pass out followed by the 8 p.m. hangover. To avoid such a fate, The Tunnel Walk recommends you plan your day like this:

7-8: One or two bloody marys to get a quick buzz
8-11: Red beers! Nurse that buzz into a solid, but not extreme, inebriation
11-3: Sober up at the game, and make sure to get a Runza or Valentino’s or both
3-7: Go watch some football at a sports bar and have about five pints of domestic
7-8: Amigo’s and quiet reflection. See also: water
8-??: The world is your oyster, buddy

This Week’s Dorothy Lynch-capade

Tater tots. That’s right, suckas, The Tunnel Walk knows that fried potatoes and the orange yummie are the peas and carrots of the trans-fat world. Dip these fried nuggets of bliss into the deep orange ocean of love and St. Valentine himself will blush.

The Tunnel Walk always finds it inspiring when people are actually doing what they are put on this planet to do, such as Michael Jordan and basketball, Genghis Khan at ruling empires, and Dustin Diamond at being a douchenozzle. To this, we salute tater tots being dipped in Dorothy Lynch, like they were born to do.

Prediction Time

The Tunnel Walk feels strongly that Nebraska has better football players than San Jose State. All this talk about the spread offense is irrelevant if you have players running the plays in clownshoes. The Spartans are overmatched by the Huskers, no matter what question marks remain. Callahan and Cosgrove would not lose to San Jose State; they would probably win by around 6.

Look for Nebraska’s defense to fool everyone into thinking they are a lot better than they actually are, and for the offense to remain strong. We also predict a Niles Paul punt return for a touchdown.

Nebraska 55, San Jose State 6

Enjoy the game at a cost of $29.95.

The Tunnel Walk encourages our NFL fans to look forward to Heavy Soul's own Prickly Pete the Prognosticator's NFL Picks of The Week coming this Wednesday. As a preview, here's what The Tunnel Walk would guess he would pick:

New England over the Chiefs. Saints over Tampa Bay. Philly over the Rams.

From The Tunnel Walk, Hail Varsity.

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Jason Melon. That was the character's name in Back to School. I'm not sure if they were all high and decided naming them Melon would be funny, but it was.

Also, I would never take three home favorites like that in week one. My official picks, if we are limiting ourselves to those games, is Chiefs, Eagles, Tampa.
Also, please pay close attention to the painstaking detail with which the pile of Dorothy Lynch was painted.
Marvelous and delicious, thank you for the description.
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