I have a gaping hole in my life right now, and I don't see it being filled anytime soon. It's everything that I want, but don't have access to. I can taste the juice but can't actually see the fruit. I can hear about it's glory, but never be connected to its realness. And finally I can see its wonderful advertisement's, but can't buy into its programming....

That's right Heavy Souler's....I'm talking about ESPNU!!!! It is driving me crazy right now (the next two night's worth of NU/OU baseball games being on it aren't going to help any either) that I can't see this wonderful station. I am absolutely thrilled that ESPN has a dedicated College Sports only station, but I am miserable about not being able to get it. I dream of nights in the future of seeing such wonderful spectacles as hockey's "Frozen Four", the NCAA Lacrosse Championships, and maybe even a men's volleyball game. It's going to be grand if I can ever get access to it.
Which brings me to my real point of this.....WHY IN GOD'S NAME IS FRIGGIN' ESPNU ONLY OFFERED ON THE GODDAMN DISH NETWORK???????? This is my biggest annoyance in life right now.

After my final yesterday, I decided I needed to buy some movies to cheer myself up after getting so profusely kicked in the balls. The three movies I bought: Spanglish, Ocean's Twelve, and Blade Trinity. Now, I know what you guys are thinking, "Why in the hell would you buy a really crappy Wesley Snipe's movie?" I'll let you guys in on something. Ryan Reynolds is the coolest guy in Hollywood. For those of you not familiar, he played Van Wilder in National Lampoons Van Wilder. Granted Blade movies overall are pretty much dogshit. However, Reynolds not only made this movie watchable, he gave me several laugh out loud moments. The scenes between him and Parker Posey, who plays a bitchy head vampire, are simply superb. How this guy isn't catching a million lead roles is simply mind boggling. He was great in Van Wilder and the tv show Two Guys and a Girl, which still airs on Oxygen or WE or one of those stations. Just thought I'd share my immense love for this guy's humongous talent. And no, I'm not gay. And yes, I would have sex with him.

EDIT: And yes, you know what programs they run on Oxygen and WE. Holy shit, Big Boi. Don't put this kind of stuff out on the flipping INTERNET! This is something you say in confession, for God's sake! GA HILL

I know you have all probably seen or heard about this, but how about Ozzie Guillen's recent comments about Magglio Ordonez. This has to set some record for most [bleeps] in a single story:

http://www.suntimes.com/output/sox/cst-spt-maggs22.html

I saw Larry Boa and Brently talking on Baseball Tonight about how wrong this was of Ozzie and at the very least he should know better than to start a fire within his own division, but I think it is hillarious. In a day where coaches and managers are often so white bread, rifling off any and all cliches they can think of while giving pre and post game interviews, it is refreshing to see a manager not affraid to tell it like it is. I would think it would be easy to rally behind a manager like this.

If you don't like this [bleepin'] post, you can [bleep] yourself, you piece of [bleep].

In case you were wondering, here is Chad Fox's DL History:

July 16-September 3, 1996
May 11-June 30, 1998
April 21, 1999-remainder of season
March 28, 2000-entire season
March 30-May 31, 2002
June 8, 2002-remainder of season
April 28-June 29, 2003
April 28, 2004-remainder of season
April 26, 2005-????

But I guess his run as Cubs closer was good while it lasted. I for one would like to complement Dusty on his decision to blow out his new closer's arm, pitching for the 3rd time in 4 days, with a 7 run lead....well played.

Here you go...the episode that is on next Sunday. I haven't been able to check it out myself, but this was posted on Okayplayer.com, and was followed with a lot of posts of people who DID watch it, and it is supposed to be fantastic.

http://www.vicentefox.net/North%20by%20North%20Quahog.rm

Right click that ish and save it. Enjoy.

Howard Dean. Yet again, I pose this question to fellow posters and readers: when are the Democrats going to figure out that this crazy name-calling and attacking DOES NOT WORK?

This is from the Washington Post:

"Dean has suggested that they are "evil." That they are "corrupt." He called them "brain-dead" during a stop in Toronto -- and while the Terri Schiavo case was still in the news. He has tagged Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Pa.) as a "liar." Last week, the Minneapolis Star Tribune reported that he mimicked a "drug-snorting Rush Limbaugh" at an event there."

Now, I suppose I could be wrong, but doesn't this just turn people off? It does me. What you needed in the role of the National Chairman of the DNC was someone who is going to communicate what Democrats are trying to do for our country--not what they think of Republicans. Especially after this strategy clearly did not work in the elections.

So, what do you think?

I have hit the age in my life where I have began to rethink some of my life decisions. You may ask yourself what brought this on, it was a comment that ‘The Rod’ a fellow KC fan dropped on me last night. He told me that he is secretly hoping that a KC Royal player is busted soon for steroid use. I was hooked I wanted to know why ‘The Rod’ would want this to happen to an already thin line up. His answer was simple, if a Royals player was on the juice it would mean that they actually care about playing baseball and that they are sacrifice suspensions to become better. Son of a Bitch if that did not hit home has anyone seen these ass clowns play, can anyone name four players on this team.

We all know that David Glass and Allard Baird are laughing their way to the bank, but I will be damned if this in not a lovable bunch of losers. Angel Berroa who was ALROY in 2003 was sent up to KC not because he was ready but because he was a victim of one of the Dominicans favorite pastime of lying on the birth certificate, the front office was willing to groom this 19 year old for a couple years, but when they found out he was 25 he was on the first bus out of Omaha. Then there is John Buck, this time last year Mr. Buck was playing Double A ball for Houston, now he is the face for the Royals last week the Royals had a t-shirt give away, it was a John Buck T-shirt night, that is who KC sees as their f***ing star, it is disgusting (on a side note I do enjoy John Buck, but in no way should this guy be considered a star.) It is more then evident that KC has turned into the farm system for the MLB so here is a scouting report for you, David DeJesus lacks power for a center fielder but is four tool player, Zack Greinke has amazing control for a 21 year old not overpowering stuff but a under used 60 mph curveball that keeps batter true. Then there is one player I have problems understanding and I wish we can trade him to a contenter this summer, and that man is Mike Sweeney, I have been told numerous times I should like this guy, I do not see it that way, (I did enjoy seeing him blow up the Twins catcher on Thursday) but I see this guy who has played almost 200 games the past two seasons and is just eating up 1/3 of KC record setting $36 million payroll. He is a mediocre fielder, above average bat, and a back the Fred Taylor’s groining taunts. My favorite memory of Mike Sweeney is when then Manager Tony Muser said and I quote “I would rather have a player who stays out late taking tequila shots then a player who baby sits teammates children” damn I like Pena but I miss Muser.

On a side note I do enjoy the Chiefs Derrick Johnson draft even though Carolina stole Thomas Davis moments prior.

This could be great news--the official Fox website for Arrested Development says on the top left "Arrested Development Returns This Summer!"

Sweet Merciful God, please let this mean that they are keeping it on the air!

Also, make sure to take the "Arrested Development Loyalty Oath."

On another note, today might go down as the slowest Friday of all time, so hopefully we'll get some posting going here today.

Peace

Two quick musical nods to last night's OC. Say what you want about the show, but the music on there is always good.

1. Death Cab for Cutie concert - seems pretty cool to me.

2. When Summer was being stoned, I'm pretty sure she directly quoted Ben Harper's "Burn One Down." I'm going to have to go to TiVo for replay confirmation on this, but I believe it happened.

Random note, but I just borrowed Dinosaur Jr's album Where You Been the other day to burn onto my iPod.

I forgot how much ass Dinosaur Jr kicked, and promptly got a musical punch-to-the-face when I heard "Start Choppin." (By the way, what do these guys have against punctuation?)

I don't know how these guys don't get mentioned in the same light as Nirvana and Pearl Jam. In every way, I think they were better for a minute there.

Something that hasn't been discussed much (if at all) on this silly little blog we have is movies. I read some news on THE movie for next year, The DaVinci Code.

Scott Weinberg writes: "Variety brings news of two new additions to Ron Howard's upcoming "The Da Vinci Code." Already on board were Tom Hanks, Jean Reno, and Audrey Tautou, but those crafty casting directors were just getting started. Seems that both Sir Ian McKellen ("X-Men") and Alfred Molina ("Spider-Man 2") have recently signed on for a pair of supporting roles.

Jean Reno (from Ronin) is the absolute perfect pick for the "Captain Fache" role. I have my reservations about Tom Hanks as "Robert Langdon," but then again, Tom Hanks is Tom Hanks. I'm sure he'll pull it off. I don't know what rolls McKellen and Molina got, but I'm guessing that Molina is maybe "Silas," the albino monk? I personally don't think that works, since the way it is written, Silas sounds like a professional wrestler.

Anyways, I am really excited about this movie, and hope it does well enough (and it will) to get someone to green-light Angels & Demons.

Is it cool to go to prom as a 20 year old? Is it cool to go to a college formal as a 25 year old? Is there a difference?

And yes it sucks about Nomar, but maybe spending some time at home with Mia rubbing his groin will remind him how to hit.

Rough break for GA and the rest of the Cubs fans last night. Nomar going down really hurts that lineup, but that's not really the point of this post...I want to write about being a man.

Last night hurt me as a man....watching Nomar pull that groin was one of the most painful things I have ever witnessed. To watch a grown man, not to mention and all-star shortstop, roll around in agony while holding his crotch is just not something any of us should ever have to witness. I think I felt his pain by just watching it. For anyone else that has ever pulled a groin you might know what he feels like but for those of you who have never had to go through it (congrats), here is the description I'd like to give you...(my background: severely pulled a groin the summer between my freshman and sophmore years of h.s. playing in a soccer tourney).

-Let's set the scene...on a soccer field in Kearney, NE...playing defense and a harmless long pass comes rolling towards me...I jog towards it and see an open teammate a mere 20 yds away from me...I pull my right let back in anticipation of making perfect contact for a perfect pass....a split second before the ball and my foot meet, the ball hits an unexpected bump and veres in a slightly different direction....trying to adjust in midkick i stretch a little further to my right side to try and make better contact...but to no avail, the ball has vered to far....I barely make contact and my vicious follow through continues at a very high speed....what happened next is something that I wish i never lived to tell about and I am sure Nomar feels the same way this morning.
-Yep I completely pulled my groin on the near whiff...I personally don't think a pulled groin is quite descriptive enough for the pain it causes...its more like a thrashed groin muscle that is ominiously close to your pelvis.
-Similar to Nomar I rolled around screaming in pain holding my groin...(On a side note this completely embarrassed my mom and I'll never forget her quote to me as she came to check on me once they carried me to the bench....)
Mom-"are you OK?"
EZT-"No mom this really hurts, it hurts to move in any direction, coach Whitney says I pulled my groin"
Mom-"I'm sorry honey, i'll get you some ice.....(now in raised voice) BUT there is NEVER an excuse for you to touch yourself in front of hundreds of people..."
EZT-"But mom thats where it hurts..."
Mom-"shhht...TRAVIS JAY, I don't care how bad it hurts, you will never rub yourself in public again like you just did or I will kick you in the groin and make it hurt twice as bad"
HONEST TO GOD! That last quote is exactly what my mom told me...it worked, i only touch myself in private now...Thanks for the lesson mom...

Now back to the pulled groin part....
-The day it happens its extremely uncomfortable, you just can't move in any way without a sharp pain shooting up your pelvis and down your leg
-But its even worse the next morning....When i tried to take my first step the next morning I literally fell to the floor...when that baby stiffens up, you might as well just lay in bed for the next week.
-To make matters even worse its the coloring of your pelvic region the following days that is really embarrassing. I by two days after the incident I was literally black and blue from my hip bone to a 1/3 of the way down my thigh and all around the privates....not cool.

The point of this post....as a man I feel terrible for Nomar. What that man is currently going through deserves the sympathy of all grown American men... Nomaaaaaaaaaaaah get well soon, if not for my sake....for Mia's.

I know it is early, but has anyone noticed the White Sox sitting atop the American League (#2 in the majors behind the dodgers) with 10 wins. Four of those wins have even been against the Twins -- alot of people's preseason favorite to win the central and maybe even the series. The team has the best ERA in the American league and even their number 5 starter Jon Garland went perfect through 6 1/3 on his last start. They have had some trouble scoring runs, but Paul Konerko's major league leading 7 homeruns is helping that cause. Carl Everett also isn't too far behind with 4 dingers. As long as the pitching staff can keep it together, I think the offense will come around. A return for Frank Thomas may not be too far off also, and I think he still has some swing left.

Anyway, I know it is early and things will probably go down hill at some point, but as a fan I have to be excited during this early part of the season. Especially since the Sox get no love.

Jeez, you got to feel bad for this guy, but at the same time, this is one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

http://www.1620thezone.com/links.asp

Click on "Bad Sportscast."

Didn't see this until after I posted the "Ramblings," but did anyone else see Magglio Ordonez's contract with the Tigers? $105 MILLION OVER 5 YEARS??? $15 MILLION A YEAR?? FOR A GUY WHO HAD TWO KNEE SURGERIES (including one that he snuck OVERSEAS to have) AND WILL BE 37 BY THE TIME THIS CONTRACT FINALLY, MERCIFULLY EXPIRES?

Well, it is official: Scott Boras has somehow invented a mind-controlling device. What an asshole. That guy is everything that is wrong with professional sports, bundled up in an Armani-suited package.

Some things that I have really wanted to post about the last few weeks, but either:

A) Was in no mental shape to do so at the time, or
B) Have somehow been too busy at work to do so.

Without further ado..

1. Baseball salaries. FoxSports.com just published (it was on the AP wire 5 days ago) updated payrolls for every team. I know that this conversation has been beaten to death over the last few years, but this is just shocking stuff. Do you realize that the Yankees have a payroll that is 6.89 times bigger than the Devil Rays (who they, laughably, have the same record as)? Are you serious??? For that matter, the Yanks have a payroll that is 2.37 times bigger than the Cubs! And the Cubs have the 5th highest payroll in the NL! Another interesting note is the New York Mets' payroll. They have the THIRD HIGHEST PAYROLL IN ALL OF MLB. Are they even going to make the playoffs? I don't think so. Another surprise (to me, at least) is the Phillies with the fourth highest payroll in all of baseball.

All of that stuff is suprising/shocking/offensive, whatever. But the absolute, most-disgusting, no-excuses thing on this list is the Kansas City Royals. In 2004, they had a payroll of $47.6 million. In 2005, they have opened the season with a payroll of $36.88 million. They are the ONLY TEAM IN BASEBALL since revenue sharing started a couple of years ago to actually have their payroll go down. And attendance has been up in Kansas City the last few years, including a record Opening Day attendance last week! Kansas City fans should do everything they can to get owner David Glass run out on a rail (side note: Glass is the former CEO of Wal-Mart--obviously, he probably could care less about the fan/winning side, as the guy is probably some sort of robot who only looks for lots and lots black ink on his balance sheets). It is bad enough having the Tribune Company run your favorite team--I can't imagine rooting for the Royals with this d-bag running the team (sorry, Delusional).

Oh, and Jose Macias makes $1 million from the Cubs this year. JOSE MACIAS.

2. The Nebraska quarterback situation. I guess most people aren't as fired up about this as I am. First of all, I am glad that Joe Dailey is not going to be our starting quarterback. I really hoped that he would come back this spring with a better grasp on things and show improvement. According to the spring game, he did not. He looked the exact same. All that aside, the way he has been treated by Bill "I still can't figure out the difference between the college game and the NFL" Callahan is a joke. Let me get this straight: you're going to use the kid the first year you get here, make him go out there for every down no matter how badly the game is going, make him a CAPTAIN, and basically blame him for everything that went wrong last year--then you're going to make him fourth-string THE FOLLOWING SPRING??? Wow, nice job of throwing a great kid under the bus. Yeah, he's not a good quarterback for the West Coast Offense. But you know what? This isn't the NFL, either. You can't just cut a kid like you can there. And Callahan essentially did so by releasing their spring game roster.

Again, I know he is not good. But throw the kid a bone--at least list him at number 2. When Harrison Beck comes to town in the fall, drop him to number 3--people will understand. But to treat a kid that went to war for you every Saturday last fall and played for a coach that REFUSED to work his system to Joe's strengths like this is terrible. The "family" that Callahan talked so much about coming back to watch the spring game (almost every NU player in the NFL was back, along with a lot of old players) is quickly eroding when you make moves like that. I want a National Championship-caliber team, for sure, but not at the expense of completely destroying everything that Bob Devaney and Tom Osborne built here. I guess it is probably a case of "you can't have your cake and eat it, too," but that doesn't mean I can't bitch about it, either.

3. Dusty Baker might be the worst in-game manager ever. OK, obviously he is not that bad, but the moves he makes are just unbelievable. This deserves its own post by itself, plus I know that NPGage has been wanting to write on this as well, so we'll discuss this at a later time.

4. Derek Lee is BLOWING UP! He is a lifetime .230 (or something like that) in April, and so what does he do this April? He only hits .364 with 2 home runs and 16 RBI! That's only the third-best RBI total in all of baseball. Great stuff--maybe he'll finally get himself in the All-Star game and solidify himself as one of the best 1st basemen in the game.

5. NBA Playoffs. Has there ever been a time where a tried and true mantra has been completely and totally shot down as much as the "if you have a superstar, you have a team that is a threat?" I mean, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Garnett, and LeBron James are going to be watching this year's playoffs on their 100 foot plasma screens this year. Also, going back to team payrolls, I have reassessed some of the things I said at the beginning of the post after looking at NBA team/player salaries. I'll give you a guess who has the 1st and 3rd highest payrolls in all of the NBA. Need a hint? Their combined record this year is 58-102. Still nothing? OK, I'll give:

1. New York Knicks ($104,657,559)
3. Portland Trailblazers ($78,777,151)

How appropriate is it that these two teams have 2 of the 3 highest payrolls in the league? Seriously? And when does Isiah Thomas receive his "Kenneth Lay Lifetime Achievement" award? How does this guy keep getting jobs? And you know who gets $45,056,511 of the Knicks money? Allen Houston, Penny Hardaway, and Tim Thomas. Not only can I not believe that I just typed that, but that might be the funniest thing I have ever seen. I mean, I didn't know that for ONLY $45.1 million, you could buy 31.4 ppg, 7.0 rpg, 5.7 apg, and 4.1 turnovers p/g! Holy crap! OK, let's compare their combined line with a certain second-year player:

Fabulous 3: 31.4 ppg 7.0 rbg 5.7 apg 4.1 turnovers/pg
L. James: 27.1 ppg 7.3 rbg 7.1 apg 3.0 to/pg

So could LeBron go into contract negotiations with these numbers and demand $45 million/year? Of course not. How does 'Zeke get away with this? Sorry, Pete, but your team is going to be done for a while, my friend.

Finally, do you know who the highest-paid player is in the NBA? Shaq. Understandable. But it is who comes in at number 2 on the list that is just hilarious: DIKEMBE MUTOMBO. That's right, the same Cookie Monster center who has not averaged anywhere near a double-double since 2001, the same guy who is currently logging 10 minutes a game and contributing 4 ppg and 5.3 rpg, is making almost $19 MILLION DOLLARS THIS YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!

The lesson, as always, is the NBA is a joke.

Well, I have officially made this about 4 times longer than I planned, so I'll wrap it up. Peace.

Tonight, quote, "Why is it every time I beat someone up I get arrested?" Went out to the Benson bars tonight with OC & Rick, fight broke out, & I drank with some fifty year old, who is a professional shuffle board player with cops,ambulance, and fire truck outside. More white trash than you can shake a stick at. Guy got arrested & we witnessed. Really drunk night but hit the unintentional comedy scale at about a 9.0. Sorry if this is choppy, I'll fill in the rest tomorrow.
Part II
So I found a computer in the middle of Benson, so I don't have to use my goddamn phone. Great night tonight. We went to little OC's house, drank a lot, and then went to some random Benson bar to play shuffle board to finish off the night. Six different fights broke out while we were there, not sure why or how, but it was fun to watch a bunch of dumb necks rock each other. We then were told we had to leave, but guess what? I'm a huge pussy and decided I wasn't going to leave until the brawl on the street was done. We then befriended the pro shuffle boarder and continued to hang out until closing. Not only could this guy throw with his elbow and nose, but he wore Raybans in a dark bar at 12:45. Finally, after MIB stole some birthday cake from some random barmaid, we decided to walk back to Kyle's. On the way home we passed the guy who evidently had nothing to do with the fight, but he pleaded while being handcuffed by Omaha's finest "Why is it that every time I beat someone up I get arrested?" Someone please award this man with the Nobel prize, or at least a Darwin award. This guy was so tatted up I thought he couldn't say anything that wasn't already printed on his body. No disrespect, but I seriously thought I was in western NE and was going to get my ass kicked tonight. Instead, I got a good laugh and a possible client, as this guy couldn't afford anything better than me.
Side note: Zach Taylor is good. Our defense sucks. And the prediction is one win better than last year. Oh yeah, Why does NE baseball lose every time I watch? I'm not going to pay attention to college baseball anymore, maybe they'll win the whole thing.
Well, that's about all for tonight. I have finals here in the next couple of weeks so the Big Boi might be out of commission. But with my roommate. who knows? Be excellent to each other, Party on DUDES. NE football rocks!

Dear God,

I am sorry about my inebriated post the other night. I don't recall creating it. I have it narrowed down to possibly being at Pete's house because as you all know, I have no consistent internet access. I am also sorry about calling you the son of God. I mean, how can you be your own son? Metaphysically impossible. For you maybe not. I don't care how drunk you are, if you can't discern between members of the Holy Trinity, you are going to hell.

It was also childish and immature to ask you to make me a girlfriend. I know you aren't into those cheap miracles like the good old days. I'm better than that and more importantly, so are You.

Normally I might not have issued a public apology, but that night you made me puke...hard. I had a couple of blood vessals burst around my eyes. That was hardass. It got me thinking, and I have a question to ask you. Did you make my lung collapse or come down with what I now refer to as Terry Francona Syndrome? I thought so. You are so badass.

Well, tell the original J-Hova I said hey.

Yesterday's Cubs double-header could not have summed up the Cubs more perfectly. Play one game just awfully, next game look like one of the best teams in all of MLB. God, they're frustrating.

In particular, Kerry Wood is frustrating. Good Lord. Here's his line from yesterday:

6.2 IP 9 H 7R 6ER 2 BB (wow, that is shocking--good work) 6 K 3 HR.

Now, I have never been a pitcher, so I'm not going to act like I know everything about it. I understand that you're going to have a bad outing now and again. But for the life of me, I do NOT understand Kerry Wood. How can you have some of the most electric stuff in the world, and not be able to string together 2 (2!!!) good starts in a row? All I know is, as much as I hate the guy, the Cubs need to pay Roger Clemens whatever amount of money he asks for after he retires to do nothing but work with Kerry Wood (hat tip to sambuca84 for this idea). That's it. "Roger, here's $2 million, all you have to do is tell Kerry how to pull his head out of his ass. Can you do that?" Anyways...

Second game, as I mentioned, was a totally different game. The Cubs dominated from the beginning, and, as is their method of operation, used up all their offense in one day. Derek Lee, of the Cubs and Glenallen Hills, brought in 5 RBI's, including a home run. But, obviously, the real story was Mark Prior. Here's his line:

6 IP 4 H 0 R 0 ER 1 BB 6 SO 0 HR

Granted, I am waiting for "BREAKING NEWS" on the Score in Chicago today, saying that his elbow fell off overnight, but I'm pretty happy for right now. He had great stuff, and really wasn't even throwing his breaking pitches. He was just locating fastballs and pitching pretty dominantly.

I also liked what I saw from Jerry Hairston, Jr. He plays real hard, seems to be pretty talented on defense. Of course, he came over in a trade, which means he is not one of "Dusty's Guys," and Neifi Perez gets starts in front of him. In front of a PROMISING ATHLETE WHO IS FAST AND GETS ON BASE! Anyways, Jerry went 2-4 in the double-header, also drawing a walk and scoring twice.

So, I'm sorry that I told everone that I had a collapsed lung. Turns out I did not have one. Boo fucking hoo. Thanks for all of the support. I would rather be wounded. Which leads to me to the ideas:


Dear God,

Please make me a girlifriend. I would ask outright but it asks further questions. I would ask you to buy me a girlfriend but it is illegal and against your morals as the son of God. Also, making a girlfriend would seem a little close to Gary and Wyatt from Weird Science. Kelly LeBrock would do the job. Not this dirty hooker you have now trying to remember your middle name.

I mean look. I'm hot. I use Axe Body Wash. I mosturize my face. I've shaved down to my neckline. Anyone who doesn't like me know has only the music to like me for. And that's fine because I like more music than you do. So bring it.

Interesting story lines here. As if there weren't enough pressure on Kerry Wood because:

1. He has been hurt two straight springs, and basically every year of his professional existance,

2. It is the home opener,

3. It is a mildly "must win"--you don't want to start your season with a win followed by a three-game losing streak.

He says he feels great, and supposedly, the last time he threw in Arizona he was incredible.

All this means that his arm is literally going to fly off his body by the fifth inning, of course.

Secondly, there's Derek Lee. Derek Lee last year for the month of April hit .233, had 11 RBI's, 2 HR's, and struck out 21 times. So far, through the first three games (I know, it is only three games) he is hitting .500, has 5 RBI's, 1 HR, and has struck out twice. I like these stats much more than the ones before. He should go ahead and keep doing what he's doing. He seems a lot more focused on getting off to a good start, and that is exactly what happened.

Third--Aramis Ramirez and Nomar Garciaparra are both hitless in their last two games. If I had the time, I would like to see when the last time that happened was, but I'm guessing never. My guess is that they both have HUGE games in their first game at Wrigley this year. 61 degrees and sunny? Yeah, they're due.

Lastly, NPGage is running around Wrigleyville somewhere today. Hope you found a ticket, buddy. Either way, you're drunk in Wrigleyville on Opening Day--have an Old Style for me.

Turns out, I have a collapsed lung. No shit. My doctor in training friend, P--- K---man told me that it could be a collapsed lung. God, am I relieved. It started two nights ago as the feeling you get when you are really full. A little discomfort in your ribcage. It will pass, you say. Well this motherfucker didn't. I awoke in the middle of the night lying on my right side and groaning like a cat being humped by a dog. My breath was short. Granted, I'm not a miler or anything, but I never woke up sweating or out of breath. I felt embarassed. I thought it was my back fat gettting the best of me. My gut folding in on itself. The next day, as my alarm rang, I could not muster a yawn. It hurt too badly to breathe that far in. I worked through it, 11 hours and all. Only 11 complaints. Later on in the night, as with most ailments, I felt better. But once I laid my fat ass in bed, the pain persisted. Today, it hurt more. I'll post more later because my roommate is going home to watch The Office.

Tough 1.2 innings for the fierce fireballer in the ATL. My guess is that he was just a little too wound up to be on the mound today. Historically, both he & the ATL are not good on day 1, but Braves fans, today's outing from old Smoltzy has to make you wonder: 1. Can Smoltz be effective again as a starter? 2. Can he stay healthy enough to start all year? 3. What is he more concerned with: his ERA, or his handicap on the links?

The guy is very tough, and one would give him the benefit of the doubt for the rest of the year, but you just never know.

Has anyone else been compelled to try the Tender Crisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch? Someone back me up here, between Hooty, the dancing midgets dressed in cowboy attire, and all the extremely hot chicks in that commercial...how can you not try this carb & calorie loaded BK wonder?

So I tried it, and it's pretty average, and I probably won't have another. But hey BK, your marketing worked on this guy, not in the long run, because next time I'm going back to the Whopper Jr.

Maybe Pete can fill us in on how the TCBCR compares to the Angus Burger.

So I'm on the road this week, just like the normal roadie I fly in, rent a car, drive around a lot to visit customers, eat at restaurants, and stay at Hampton Inns. But this week is just a little different, and different in a tremendously excellent way. Monday morning, as I'm driving to my first appointment, I start surfing the AM band, looking for Imus or Stern, no luck. So I pull out the CD booklet, but first decide to see what's on the old FM, so I hit the mode button, conveniently located on my steering wheel (a terrific invention.) To my surprise, instead of going from AM to FM, I go from AM to XM. That's right baby, satellite radio.

Now other than playing around a little bit with GA Hill's Sirius unit in his car, I've never experienced this invention. So I start surfing, and to my surprise, it's just heavenly. Slightly overwhelmed at first, not knowing any of the stations, I focus on some of the essentials. ESPN & Comedy to name a few, both great selections. After two full days, I've found a very solid pre-set rotation, which I'm quite proud of, and there's still plenty of exploration to be done. The great thing about this week is opening week of baseball, which is fully covered from channels 175-189 on your XM dial. On 175, you'll find the lost, but not forgotten, Rob-Ron-Raja-Reshaun-Rex Dibble, formally of the Dan Patrick show, currently hosting a 100% baseball show with Kevin Kennedy, and doing a fine job. Channels 150-151 are both comedy, and let me tell you, I've had (for you internet acronym nerds) dozens of LOL's in the past 2 days. This morning on 150, Comedy xM did a tribute to Cheech & Chong, then channel 151 came in with a tribute to the Great White North (Bob & Doug McKenzie). From 10-4 (EST) you're pretty well covered with the Herd & Dan Patrick, both are tough to listen to non-stop, but both have their moments of entertainment.

As for Music, I haven't explored all of the XM options yet. I can tell you that channel 47, known as Ethel, is extremely solid (They played Janes Addiction - Classic Girl, which might be the key to my heart). Channels 7, 8, & 9 (70's-80's-90's) are all disappointing.

Normally, this road trip would have sucked. I've logged in 900 + miles in 2 days so far, almost a record for me. But I have to admit, it's almost been the best 900 miles of my life, thanks to XM radio.

I know that a lot of people on this board are going to tell me that Sirius is better, which it might be, but you're going to have to convince me of that before I go out & buy my very own satellite radio.

Somehow I have now assumed the mantle of most irresponsible and drunkest of our friends. Now I won't make such a bold statement without backing it up, and granted half of you are far enough away that I shouldn't make such broad generalizations. Tonight, Therick told me he needed to leave after A BEER because he had to work tomorrow morning. GA Hill had already gone home by that point. Delusional KC and Pete didn't even want to come out tonight. I stayed out with Paul (Fucking Paul!), who drank Pepsi and played darts with me (and stayed out later than I did). Granted I'm home by midnight, but I have class before MIB has to work and he goes home early from the bar. I'm not in the least blaming the MIB, because I totally respect the fact that he wanted to go home and go to bed. I'm questioning why it is that I'm willing to stay out when GA Hill and the MIB aren't, and I have to get up earlier than either. In college it was always the reverse. Maybe it's because I'm still in school, whereas they have to work long hours. It's really not that big of a deal, nevermind. (On a humorous note, GA Hill was stumbling when he left)
On to something more positive, tomorrow is the big UNL v. CU game. For all who are coming, we are setting up a tailgate, call me for details.
Finally, for anyone missing the pure sound of a random white guy singing gangsta rap, check out Ben Folds' version of "Bitches Ain't Shit." Also, O.A.R.'s live cd, "34th & 8th," is pretty good if you don't already own it.
Long live the 7:30 class!
Love, your friend,
Big Boi